xp log: kippei and shinji

[shattermelt]

Kippei did finally manage to sleep, but he woke up feeling stiff and sore, as if he'd been tense and restless all night. He woke up early, and at first didn't remember why he felt so sick and cold--he rolled over and reached for Shinji, and then froze. Right. No Shinji. He struggled to breathe for a moment, then panicked as he heard the low rumbling sound that was the first sign he was losing control of his powers. Fuck. He clamped down on his emotions, blanking his mind until everything calmed down. Stupid. Really stupid. He hadn't had this much trouble keeping a hold of himself since... well, since he met Shinji.

He swallowed hard, tasting acid, and stared through the dimness to the other bed where Shinji was curled up with Kii. So far away. He needed Shinji, needed him like he'd never needed anyone or anything in his life, and Shinji didn't know him anymore. It hurt like nothing else ever had. This was, literally, one of his worst nightmares come to life.

Comments

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Something was nagging at Shinji. He didn't know what it was, but chased after it, trying to catch it, which was hard and sort of annoying but he got it and heard...

Worst nightmares come to life. Blinking, Shinji sat up and looked across the room, frowning, trying to figure out what that was.

"You...that was you...you don't want me here?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei sat up so fast he got dizzy. "No! I mean yes, I want you here," he corrected fiercely, desperately. Don't leave, please god don't actually leave. What the hell was Shinji talking about? Didn't want him here?

"What was me?"

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Don't leave, please god... Shinji jerked back against the head of his bed at the ferocity of the thought and tilted his head to the side.

"I can hear you..." That was what Kippei had told him, but still it was sort of weird. The cat squirmed into his lap and he pet it absently. "I'm not leaving..."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei shivered once and dropped his head, breathing hard as if he'd been running through the halls or something. Jesus fucking dammit. He was going to do some damage for serious if he didn't get this under control, but he felt completely adrift, unfocused and chaotic and all of his emotions were tumbling wildly over one another--fear, worry, pain, anger, love, despair, confusion.

Shinji was his anchor, his center, his soul, and without him Kippei was coming completely ungrounded, the empty ache inside of him threatening to swallow him whole. It was like being constantly on the edge of a crumbling cliff and fighting to keep his balance. How had he ever lived without Shinji? But then, his powers were stronger than they used to be, and he knew that had something to do with it. The physical disorietation was almost as bad as the emotional gash bleeding out with the knowledge that Shinji didn't love him anymore. And wasn't he just a selfish bastard, because Shinji had to be just as lost and confused, probably more so, not remembering anything at all and stuck with Kippei who was probably scaring him half to death.

"I'm sorry," he said finally, rubbing tiredly at the sweat dampening his forehead. "I just... miss you." The words tore out of him against his will, and he gritted his teeth.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji ducked back down in the covers as the walls shook a tiny bit, but it was more the sense of it he was getting from Kippei's thoughts. He peeked out from under the blankets and watched Kippei, listening to the confusing turmoil going on inside. He still didn't know all the words, but he understood the ideas. He slowly climbed out of bed, petting Kii and telling him to stay there while he padded cautiously over to Kippei's bed, watching him. Kippei really missed him and Shinji felt hellishly bad about it. Kippei seemed...really nice, it was just that Shinji had no idea who Shinji was, let alone Kippei. Still..He reached out and pet Kippei, like he had the cat and smiled faintly.

"You'll be okay. I dont think...well, I don't know but I don't think I would have done it, if I didn't think you would be okay."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei let his breath out in a rush, feeling hollow and blank, like someone had punched him in the gut. He wanted to laugh, or scream, or maybe cry. "Goddammit, Shin," he breathed finally, rough and hoarse as he shook his head and tried not to shake under Shinji's hand. Tried not to reach out and hang on to Shinji hard and let his world make sense again, even a little bit.

"You didn't have a choice, or you didn't think you did," Kippei told him at last in a ragged voice. "But I wouldn't be surprised if you thought I would be okay." He set his jaw and looked away, blinking hard, fighting down the stupid emotions that were threatening to make him lose control again. No, he wouldn't be at all surprised if Shinji thought that. Thing was, no matter how much Shinji read it in his head, he never really got that Kippei really couldn't live without him. And he was a long, long way from okay.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Startled, Shinji pulled his hand back and stepped away, feeling immediately like he wanted to cry, but he didn't. He didn't like it when Kippei spoke to him like that; when he sort of swore and told him he was wrong and looked at him like it was his fault, but apparently it was. He felt terrible, because he had hurt Kippei, and badly by the looks of it, and yet he didn't even know what he had done. It wasn't him really, it was that other Shinji that Kippei kept talking about. That Shinji didn't even really exist and Shinji was getting tired of getting blamed for stuff the other Shinji did. He plodded his way back to his bed and climbed back in, curling up with the cat, who seemed to like him just fine even if he wasn't the other Shinji, and tried to convince himself that boys didn't cry. Why, he had no idea.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Shinji stepped back and Kippei felt cold all over, missing the one spot of warmth that Shinji's hand had been. He looked up just in time to catch the stricken look on Shinji's face and hated himself immediately. Shinji had no idea what he was talking about, didn't remember, didn't remember anything and no matter how much Kippei wanted him to he wasn't coming back. He wasn't.

It was pure, raw grief that choked him then, and he clenched his fists and gritted his teeth because he couldn't afford to feel things like this when he didn't have Shinji to help him stay in control. What he should probably do was go out, a long way out like he used to take Shinji and just let it all out, where it didn't matter if he made a small earthquake or a large one, where there was nothing but rocks. Yeah. He should do that. Just thinking about it made him feel a little better, even if he knew he couldn't leave Shinji here alone for that long.

He sighed, feeling drained, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, then carefully got to his feet and went to stand beside Shinji's bed. Shinji? He had no idea if Shinji was even listening or not; it was his instinctive reaction. "I'm sorry." He reached hesitantly to brush Shinji's hair back, then pulled away, feeling guilty. "It's not your fault," he said awkwardly. "I can't, just... get over it like that, but I will." God, he had to. Somehow. Shinji was still here, and he was still Shinji, more than ever in some ways. But it was never going to be the same again. He closed his burning eyes and reminded himself that earthquakes inside the school were bad.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"I'm not him," Shinji sniffled into the pillow, and was more than a little upset to realise he wanted to be. He wanted to be the other Shinji and know what to say to make it better and know what to do so Kippei wouldn't get mad at him and he wanted to know anything at all and not have this weird empty nothing in his head! But he wasn't the other Shinji and it just made everything worse. "I'm not him, but I am, and it's not my fault but it is. I don't get it; I don't get any of it, I don't know anything!" Suddenly all the fear came flooding back and he was at a loss as to what to do with it and despite not wanting to and fighting against it, he ended up just curling up around the pillow and crying. He felt smarter than yesterday, but still knew nothing; a little kid with no idea what to do, or where to go, or how to get there, or when or why. Nothing. He wanted...everything, and couldn't get anything.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Really. Seriously. Was Shinji trying to kill him here? Of course he wasn't, he had no idea, but how was Kippei supposed to watch him cry and not want to hold him? How was he supposed to just stand here and not want to kiss the tears and wrap Shinji up in his arms and make it all safe and better--but Shinji didn't want that, not anymore.

"Shinji," he murmured helplessly, desperately but fucking hell he wasn't going to tell Shinji not to cry, not when Shinji would probably do his best to do just that and it wasn't fair at all, god none of this was fair. "I'm sorry," he muttered, over and over, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," because he couldn't help it, he wasn't that strong and he couldn't just stand here and watch and he was going to shatter in a million pieces if he tried to move away so he stayed where he was and watched his hand move on it's own, unable to help the need to give some kind of comfort, gently stroking Shinji's hair while he cried.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji bit his lip as a hand soothing pet his hair and he tried not to reach out, he really did, sensing that Kippei didn't want to reach out; was trying really hard to make sure he didn't and Shinji didn't want to do something Kippei didn't want him to, but he couldn't help it and he let go of the pillow and wrapped his arms tight around Kippei's waist, burying his face against Kippei's stomach and howling, miserable. He wanted to know stuff, and not feel stupid and empty and just, to have something, anything to tell him what he wanted, and what he was supposed to do now. Worse, he had no idea why Kippei was apologising when it was Shinji who kept making mistakes and making a mess of everything. This whole thing was his fault and it just made him cry harder.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei felt instantly relieved and settled and sane when Shinji wrapped around him like that, the clarity hit him like a ton of bricks, like gravity suddenly kicking in and he took a deep, shuddering breath of relief. Oh god. Automatically his own arms went around Shinji, holding him closer, and just kept breathing. He could think again, and it was amazing.

"Shhh, it's okay," he told Shinji, tenderly rubbing his back in soothing circles. It wasn't okay, but it was going to be. They could do this. Shinji wasn't dead, and... they just had to start over. It was really, really hard to remember that far back, to when Shinji was a fascinating new thing and almost as clueless as he was now. Kippei had no idea how they were going to do this, especially since he apparently couldn't think unless Shinji was touching him. "We'll figure it out. As long as you're still here, that's all that matters."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

It took a while but Shinji eventually calmed down and settled and realised he was perched kneeling on the edge of his bed, with Kippei's waist in an iron grip and his head buried against the poor guy's stomach. He sniffled loudly and pulled back, but not completely, much like a young child never pulled far away from comfort, keeping one hand fisted in Kippei's shirt as he scrubbed quickly at his face in a vain attempt to get rid of the red splotches from his mini breakdown.

"Im still here," he mumbled, more to reassure himself than Kippei. He could learn if he was here. He would learn; he would relearn everything. "Kippei...teach me something."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei's mouth quirked in amusement and he looked down at Shinji speculatively. "Teach you something?" he mused, his eyes drifting down to Shinji's mouth. He was pretty sure Shinji wasn't talking about kissing, but Kippei thought that was a very important thing to relearn. With some regret he decided that should not be the first lesson, and nudged Shinji, nodding at the bed beside him.

"Mind if I sit down?" he asked carefully. Kippei was damn well not going to take advantage of him, which meant asking and explaining everything.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji looked at the space next to him and scooted over, giving Kippei plenty of room to sit down. He tugged his knees up against his chest and rested his chin on his knees, but his hand still clung to Kippei's shirt, as if the other mutant might suddenly run away.

"Anything. I don't know anything so teach me anything."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei took a seat, silently, measuring his words, trying to decide where to start. He was glad Shinji was still holding on because he was pretty sure it was the only thing keeping him sane right now. He covered Shinji's hand with his own, curling his fingers around it. "Don't let go, okay?" he murmured. "I can't think when you let go."

He took a deep breath. "Okay. Lesson number one. This is the first thing you should know, and never forget it, alright? I'm all yours. Anything you want, anything you need, you got it. I'll always be here for you and I'll tell you anything you want to know. You're the only reason I'm still alive and I'll do anything for you."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji blinked. That was...weird. He expected to learn why the sky was blue, because he saw ouside that it was. Or why the grass was green, because it was too. Not, hey look I'm basically your slave. Which really, there was only one answer to.

"Why?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei smiled a little, a bit sadly, rubbing his thumb over the back of Shinji's hand, back and forth, reassuring.

"Because," he sighed, and took another deep breath before he continued. It was weird, just coming out and saying this stuff, but Shinji didn't remember and he needed to know. "I love you, okay? Even if you don't remember, I love you more than anything. I need you and I want to... I want to help. I want to do anything I can for you."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"But I don't know what that is," Shinji mumbled, embarassed but wanting to tell the truth. He didn't know about love and helping and having people do things for you for no reason. He sighed glumly and wondered if he was ever going to understand.

"I'm not very good at this." His fingers tugged a little at Kippei's shirt before settling again. "How do I take care of Kii?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"I'll show you," Kippei told him, smiling a little. He knew Shinji didn't know what it was, but it didn't matter if he didn't understand the reason, so long as he remembered that it was true. "We'll take him out a bit later. First, lesson number two, and this is important. You have powers. Use them. You can hear things and do things with people's minds and you'll have to relearn some things, but right now you don't have to know how they work. They just do."

This was probably a bit dangerous, telling Shinji to use his powers with no training whatsoever, but it would go a long way toward helping him relearn things. "You can't turn it off anyway, so use it to your advantage. I'm used to having you in my head, and I don't mind. I like knowing that you can tell I mean exactly what I say. Whenever you're afraid or confused about something, use that amazing brain of yours and pick it out of someone's head--mine, preferably, but whoever is close or you think might have the answer. It's what you are. Don't be afraid to use it."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji stared, wide-eyed, unable to really understand what powers were, or how they had them, or why or anything, but he did know it was there; could feel it getting stronger all the time and hear more and more. He didn't think he would like it when that got much louder but if it helped him learn things then he supposed that was okay.

"What if I'm comfused about everything? I can't steal everything off someone else...can I?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck, wishing he knew more about Shinji's powers to begin with. There were so many things that could go wrong here, but he didn't know any other way to get Shinji the massive amounts of information that he needed.

"You probably can," he answered. "I dunno if it would hurt the other person or not. Sometimes you just read thoughts and sometimes you steal them. I don't know what the difference is. We should get you back in training, or." He grimaced. "Might should have you spend some time in the quiet room." He fell silent, not liking that idea at all, but it was already set up to handle Shinji and Kippei could stay there with him.

A sigh punctuated his thoughts and he fell backward onto Shinji's bed, keeping ahold of Shinji's hand. "I miss having you in my head," he muttered, half to himself and half to Shinji. "Neither of us do too well when you aren't or you can't for some reason. I miss knowing that you're picking up all the things I'm not saying." He felt lost, suddenly, in the enormity of just how far they had to go here. Shinji didn't remember ANYTHING.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji just stared, because he had no idea how it worked and right then, didn't really care about it as anything other than a way to get information. He felt bad, that he wasn't giving Kippei something he needed, but at the same time, was incredibly embarassed for some reason, by the thought of going through someone else's head.

"You...you make the room shake?" That, at least, he had figured out for himself. It didn't scare him so much as fascinate. How did you make the room shake?

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei looked up again, amused. "Something like that. They're seismic tremors. Earthquakes," he clarified, and was suddenly briefly grinning at the memory of Shinji sitting in his class trying to figure out his interest in geology.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji just stared at him, wide-eyed in awe, like any little boy who finds out superman is real. Kippei was amazing, of that Shinji had no doubts, but it confused him as to why he hung out with...Shinji. Sighing, Shinji reached out and picked up Kii, dumping the furball in his lap and considering.

"Why is my cat blue? Is that normal?"