oob: kippei, ashi, and shinji

[shattermelt]

Kippei had been serious about going to see Ashi--Shinji was obviously not ready for that yet, and it was probably going to be awhile before he was, and Kippei felt that if she couldn't have one brother, albeit the one she wanted, she should at least have another.

He wasn't sure when he'd decided that she was his responsibility to a point, but he did feel responsible for this, maybe because he'd started it. He'd been the one to say, bring her home, and he still believed it had been the right thing, but he'd hoped that it wouldn't take this long to sort out. At least Shinji seemed to be making progress, and he hadn't completely shut down so Kippei was still hoping that things would be okay, eventually.

But he decided to go see her and let her know what was going on and maybe just spend a little time with her, to make up for it all--if she wanted him to. He was only a substitute and he knew it, but she deserved to have whatever he could give her. And hanging out with her and Sada for awhile was hardly going to be difficult. Kippei loved them both, and they were good company. He headed over to the Ibu house for the afternoon, and in spite of himself felt slightly nervous when he knocked on the door.

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[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei wrapped his arms more tightly around him, holding him and brushing a kiss on his temple, wishing he knew some way to reassure him. But there really wasn't any way to make this better.

"She is," he agreed, and carefully did not tell Shinji that she'd gone through his things. Shinji obviously did not like the idea of her being in there at all. He wasn't quite sure what to say, and was more wary than ever of asking Shinji what he wanted to know.

[teagoblin.livejournal.com]

It should not have been such a big deal and Kippei was worrying about...everything, and that just wasn't fair, so Shinji forced himself to calm down. He pushed away the desire to march over there and demand she get out, that it was his and she wasn't welcome there. It wasn't his anymore; his home was here. He didn't need anything from there, and she did. This was better, or so he tried to tell himself.

"It's okay," he murmered softly to Kippei, trying to be reassurring. Trying not to worry him. "Was just...not expecting it. It's okay."

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

Kippei eyed him, a bit skeptically, because Shinji had relaxed a bit but whatever it was, it was obviously not 'okay'. Not completely. But it didn't look like Shinji was about to bolt or explode or anything, either, so it might be okay, eventually.

"Are you okay?" he asked after a minute. That was the more important question.

[teagoblin.livejournal.com]

Shinji nodded before he could even have a chance to think about it. Yeah, he was fine. There was nothing at all wrong. Everything was good. So why was he shaking his head and wrapping his arms tighter around Kippei and trying to crawl under his skin to get away from himself.

"Sorry."

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

Kippei just held him, and he could feel the tension in Shinji's body as he tried desperately to be alright, but it wasn't and he wasn't and Kippei sighed and kissed his hair, holding him tighter and rocking him gently.

"I'm sorry too," he said softly. "I wish it could be, I wish I could make it easier for you."

[teagoblin.livejournal.com]

It was enough to at least make Shinji relax, being reminded that Kippei always wanted to take it all away and make it better, even if he couldn't. It was...nice. He hated knowing that he was hurting Kippei, even just a tiny bit, but it was nice to know he wanted so badly to take anything away that upset him.

"It's okay. If it was easy it wouldn't be worth doing."

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

"Mmmm," Kippei agreed, nodding against him, his cheek still resting on Shinji's hair. And it was worth doing, unquestionably, to try to mend the broken pieces of Shinji's little family, to get back part of what was lost so long ago. But not easy. Never that.

"Do you love her?" he asked after a minute, a slightly absent question born of slowly forming thoughts.

[teagoblin.livejournal.com]

Love her? Shinji felt weak and vaguely nauseous and wished he hadn't drunk that juice. Did he love her? Where the hell had that come from? Just what the hell had they talked about? Oh god...Kippei had spoken to her. Twice now that Shinji knew of. Two long conversations and he had no idea what had been said. And now did he love her? What the hell. And why didn't he know the answer?

"I...Yes? No..." He frowned, thinking that was a question you were probably meant to know the answer to. Did he? "I don't know...I don't even know her. I never knew her." He hadn't known her, had he?

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

Kippei knew Shinji loved Sada, they loved each other in their own strange way, and Ashi certainly loved Shinji too, but he had no idea how Shinji felt about her. He'd loved her once, Kippei was pretty sure, but now.... now after he'd spent years blaming her for his grief, years in which he not only hadn't seen her but hadn't remembered she existed, he could well believe that Shinji did not know. Kippei thought it was about time he thought about it.

"You did," Kippei told him softly. "You did once. She's older now but she hasn't changed much." Kippei was pretty sure of that. "She's still smart and quiet and she still adores you. She knew you, too, you know. She knew."

[teagoblin.livejournal.com]

Shinji didn't want to hear it; didn't want to think about it, but everyone seemed to want to remind him. Worse, he knew she was going to blame him for something. All girls blamed boys for something and he couldn't face it, even if it was just stealing a cookie; he didn't want to see how disappointed with him she was going to be. Which was the answer. If he didn't love her, didn't know her, he wouldn't care.

"I...do."

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

Kippei rubbed his back, long slow comforting strokes up and down his spine, wishing he knew the right words to reassure him that it was okay, it was going to be fine.

"Nobody blamed you," he reminded Shinji gently. "Nobody blamed you but you. Not even her."

[teagoblin.livejournal.com]

Shinji thought he was going to be swallowed up by some invisible force that was pushing at his chest. He grabbed on to Kippei so hard he thought he was probably hurting him, but no way was he letting go, and he pressed himself so firmly against the familiar body he wasn't sure what was Kippei and what was himself.

"I don't want people to know, but they do, and I don't want them to think I'm weird or crazy or cruel or...I don't want them to blame me, but I did it. I pushed her away and told her the wrong thing and it was my responsibility to make sure that sort of thing didn't happen but I did it. I did it to her, and I hate it. I hate that I did that!" For that, he hated himself.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei winced, understanding so much better than Shinji knew, exactly what he meant. I did that. I hate it. I hate that I did that. And especially, it was my responsibility to make sure that sort of thing didn't happen.

Yeah, he'd been there. Some part of him still felt that way, somehow. Knowing that no one else blamed you wasn't always enough, when you blamed yourself. When you knew, or felt like you knew, that you'd failed. That it had been your responsibility and you'd screwed it up.

"I know," he said simply. "Everyone can forgive you, even the one you wronged the most, and you'll still never forgive yourself." The words were soft, almost whispered against Shinji's hair and mostly to himself, only half about Shinji. Or rather, all about Shinji, and only half about the current topic.

[teagoblin.livejournal.com]

Kippei...was incredible. He always knew what Shinji wanted to hear, and said it just right, and it didnt matter if it was weird or sappy or nonsense or sensible, it mattered just as much to Shinji. He seemed to know, all the time, how it felt and what he needed to hear, and a small part of Shinji worried about why or how, but another was just a little glad that anyone understood.

"I'm sorry...I love you. And I'm sorry, and I know it was wrong and I should never have said that, but I meant it...back then I did. I don't now, but...I just wish I could take it back but I cant and I don't know what to do anymore." He looked at his fingers wrapped in Kippei's shirt and sniffled. "It was easier when I didnt know."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei blinked, utterly confused. Said what? He held on, rubbing Shinji's back in small circles and rocking him again, holding him as tightly as possible.

"Take what back, lover?" he asked gently, sounding perplexed. "What did you say?"

[teagoblin.livejournal.com]

"I...should never have said it was her fault. It was just a stupid accident, I know that. I dont know why I said...I should never have said that and now you have to deal with all this crap. You're always dealing with my crap. You shouldn't have to put up with me." He didn't have to. He could leave whenever, but he didnt and that was a damn good thing because Shinji was pretty damn sure he would die the day Kippei walked out the door.

"I love you....so dont hate me."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei was for some reason vastly relieved. He decided not to examine why too closely at the moment.

"Never," he said firmly, kissing Shinji soundly on the mouth. "I could never hate you. Ever." He was distantly surprised to realize how absolutely true that was. And wow, there were some more things he was so not thinking about right now.

"I love dealing with your crap," he told Shinji, looking him intently in the eye to make sure he got it. "It's yours, it's you, it's who you are. I love everything about you. I'm not putting up with anything. I that you means everything for always, I want to be there. I want to," he repeated with emphasis. The less time Shinji spent thinking this was any kind of sacrifice or hardship on his part, the better.

[teagoblin.livejournal.com]

A slow, relieved and ridiculously happy smile wobbled on Shinji's face. He met Kippei's gaze and felt as if he were drowning in the dark and it was just where he wanted to be. He leant forward more slowly and kissed Kippei again, not wanting to stop; not caring if he died kissing Kippei. That would be a damn good way to go. And if Kippei wanted to be there with him then that just made it perfect.

"I That you."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei kissed him back, wrapping both arms around to hold him tightly, glad that he'd apparently said the right thing. He didn't want to lose this, ever, and he never wanted Shinji to feel guilty about letting him share it, the good and the bad. He couldn't help worrying when Shinji was unhappy and it made him hurt inside when Shinji was dealing with issues he couldn't fix, but he wouldn't trade a single second of it for anything else. It was Shinji and it was the way it was and it was perfect. This, all of it, was exactly what he wanted. Just to be there. No matter what.