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potg: shinji and kippei
Jun. 22nd, 2006 07:07 pmKippei slept hard for a few hours, and then he woke up early, when it was barely light out, not quite sure what had woken him. Maybe it was just the feeling that he didn't have time, not enough time to sleep. He was wasting time, missing something, and Shinji was a warm weight against him that reminded him exactly why. He shouldn't be sleeping when Shinji was here, not when he could be watching and drinking him in, storing up the sight for the long, lonely days without him.
Kippei hadn't really let himself think much about the fact that someday, probably soon, he was going to lose Shinji for good. A year, he thought, at most, and that was only a vague guess since he had no idea what it was that was killing him--it could be much less. But he'd gradually come to the point where he couldn't escape the fact that Shinji wasn't just blind. He was sick, and he was dying. Some kind of cancer, most likely. Kippei couldn't figure out why Shinji didn't want to tell him, but if he didn't then Kippei wasn't going to ask.
And sometimes he didn't care, blindly, fiercely did not care what was wrong because if there was no way to stop it he didn't want to know, Shinji was perfect just the way he was and Kippei couldn't love every second of it more than he already did. It didn't matter, maybe, because no matter how much time they had, he wanted it, wanted it all, and there was no question of him deciding that he couldn't do this, that he didn't want to, because there wasn't a choice. He was Shinji's for as long as Shinji was here to have him, and after that... he couldn't think about after that, because there was nothing after that. He knew, somewhere underneath everything else, that losing Shinji was going to kill him, and he didn't care about that either. Why the hell would he want to keep living without him?
He let Shinji sleep for a few more hours, just watching him, taking his thoughts out and putting them back in where they belonged, because now was not the time to be thinking about that. Shinji was here, now, and he would make the most of it. "Morning, angel," he told Shinji with a lazy smile when he finally kissed him awake. "You slept a long time."
Kippei hadn't really let himself think much about the fact that someday, probably soon, he was going to lose Shinji for good. A year, he thought, at most, and that was only a vague guess since he had no idea what it was that was killing him--it could be much less. But he'd gradually come to the point where he couldn't escape the fact that Shinji wasn't just blind. He was sick, and he was dying. Some kind of cancer, most likely. Kippei couldn't figure out why Shinji didn't want to tell him, but if he didn't then Kippei wasn't going to ask.
And sometimes he didn't care, blindly, fiercely did not care what was wrong because if there was no way to stop it he didn't want to know, Shinji was perfect just the way he was and Kippei couldn't love every second of it more than he already did. It didn't matter, maybe, because no matter how much time they had, he wanted it, wanted it all, and there was no question of him deciding that he couldn't do this, that he didn't want to, because there wasn't a choice. He was Shinji's for as long as Shinji was here to have him, and after that... he couldn't think about after that, because there was nothing after that. He knew, somewhere underneath everything else, that losing Shinji was going to kill him, and he didn't care about that either. Why the hell would he want to keep living without him?
He let Shinji sleep for a few more hours, just watching him, taking his thoughts out and putting them back in where they belonged, because now was not the time to be thinking about that. Shinji was here, now, and he would make the most of it. "Morning, angel," he told Shinji with a lazy smile when he finally kissed him awake. "You slept a long time."
