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tp5: Kippei and Ojii
Jun. 30th, 2006 07:31 amKippei was restless and angry and bored. Also worried and tired and lonely as fuck, but mostly he was angry. And restless. And bored. He missed Shinji with a sharp, intense ache that only got worse as the weeks dragged by and what little news coming out of the station was never good. He hadn't seen Shinji for a month. An entire damn month, and the last time that had happened, he'd gone a little crazy. Hell, he was a little crazy now, and it wasn't entirely about Shinji.
He hated being stuck out here, away from the action, away from any possibility of doing anything, with a sentence of death if he tried anything. He'd try something anyway, but now he had more than one reason not to die and he'd never considered that it might not be a blessing before. Not that he would trade it for anything, but he was feeling the cramp of restraint biting into him and he hated it. A lot. Not having anyone or anything to care about, not having a reason, living damn near suicidal for as long as he had was a hard habit to break, and he almost wished he had that freedom back. He spent a whole week staring at it, the fact that this was what he'd been afraid of with Shinji, when he'd worried that getting involved might make it harder for him to do his job. Maybe he shouldn't be sitting out here waiting. Maybe if there wasn't Shinji to think about, he wouldn't be.
He wrestled it out with himself and finally decided that it didn't matter, because he was still that selfish and even if it was true, he still wanted Shinji more than anything else. He'd been ready once to leave his whole life behind and just go with it, and he would still do that in a heartbeat if it meant staying with Shinji. If he had to. In the meantime, he was caught in the middle, and the unclear choices bothered him more than the single, clear cut decision. He really, really needed to find Shinji, to make sure he was fine, or at least to see him. Talk to him. Failing that, he needed a distraction.
It took him awhile to get desperate enough to hail the one other ship that seemed to be skulking around out here, and ask Rokkaku's ambassador if he had any news. Knowing him, the old man probably had all kinds of inside sources.
He hated being stuck out here, away from the action, away from any possibility of doing anything, with a sentence of death if he tried anything. He'd try something anyway, but now he had more than one reason not to die and he'd never considered that it might not be a blessing before. Not that he would trade it for anything, but he was feeling the cramp of restraint biting into him and he hated it. A lot. Not having anyone or anything to care about, not having a reason, living damn near suicidal for as long as he had was a hard habit to break, and he almost wished he had that freedom back. He spent a whole week staring at it, the fact that this was what he'd been afraid of with Shinji, when he'd worried that getting involved might make it harder for him to do his job. Maybe he shouldn't be sitting out here waiting. Maybe if there wasn't Shinji to think about, he wouldn't be.
He wrestled it out with himself and finally decided that it didn't matter, because he was still that selfish and even if it was true, he still wanted Shinji more than anything else. He'd been ready once to leave his whole life behind and just go with it, and he would still do that in a heartbeat if it meant staying with Shinji. If he had to. In the meantime, he was caught in the middle, and the unclear choices bothered him more than the single, clear cut decision. He really, really needed to find Shinji, to make sure he was fine, or at least to see him. Talk to him. Failing that, he needed a distraction.
It took him awhile to get desperate enough to hail the one other ship that seemed to be skulking around out here, and ask Rokkaku's ambassador if he had any news. Knowing him, the old man probably had all kinds of inside sources.
