potg: shinji and kippei

[shattermelt]

Kippei slept hard for a few hours, and then he woke up early, when it was barely light out, not quite sure what had woken him. Maybe it was just the feeling that he didn't have time, not enough time to sleep. He was wasting time, missing something, and Shinji was a warm weight against him that reminded him exactly why. He shouldn't be sleeping when Shinji was here, not when he could be watching and drinking him in, storing up the sight for the long, lonely days without him.

Kippei hadn't really let himself think much about the fact that someday, probably soon, he was going to lose Shinji for good. A year, he thought, at most, and that was only a vague guess since he had no idea what it was that was killing him--it could be much less. But he'd gradually come to the point where he couldn't escape the fact that Shinji wasn't just blind. He was sick, and he was dying. Some kind of cancer, most likely. Kippei couldn't figure out why Shinji didn't want to tell him, but if he didn't then Kippei wasn't going to ask.

And sometimes he didn't care, blindly, fiercely did not care what was wrong because if there was no way to stop it he didn't want to know, Shinji was perfect just the way he was and Kippei couldn't love every second of it more than he already did. It didn't matter, maybe, because no matter how much time they had, he wanted it, wanted it all, and there was no question of him deciding that he couldn't do this, that he didn't want to, because there wasn't a choice. He was Shinji's for as long as Shinji was here to have him, and after that... he couldn't think about after that, because there was nothing after that. He knew, somewhere underneath everything else, that losing Shinji was going to kill him, and he didn't care about that either. Why the hell would he want to keep living without him?

He let Shinji sleep for a few more hours, just watching him, taking his thoughts out and putting them back in where they belonged, because now was not the time to be thinking about that. Shinji was here, now, and he would make the most of it. "Morning, angel," he told Shinji with a lazy smile when he finally kissed him awake. "You slept a long time."

Comments

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji blinked blearily at Kippei, sightless, wondering if it was light or dark or what the hell ever. It was strange, having no idea how long he had slept. He reached out and found a shoulder, letting his hand slide around the back of Kippei's neck to pull him back down for another kiss because he doubted there was a better way to be woken up. He blinked a little and realised he wasn't completely blind again; that he could see the vague shape of Kippei and the touch of light sneaking into the room and it made him smile. Kippei made things better. Sometimes, when he was with Kippei, he thought he might not die after all; that maybe Kippei was some miracle cure and the people at the island weren't so insane after all and actually knew what they were on about. But then he would remember that he just wasn't like everyone else; that he was sick and that was that.

"What time is it?" How long was a long time? Kippei better not have let him sleep all day, because that would mean he only had one more and he would have to go and he wanted two days with Kippei.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Morning," Kippei repeated, smirking a little. He kissed Shinji again because he couldn't help it, and then relented. "Not too late. I wouldn't let you sleep all day." He nuzzled Shinji's temple and snuggled up around him, relaxing because Shinji was awake and talking to him and things were good. He wouldn't mind just staying in bed all day, just like this.

"So," he said, sounding amused, "How do you feel? Still worn out?"

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Mmm...a little, but its a good worn out..." he murmured, enjoying the kisses and kicking a little at the sheets to get his legs free. "How long have you been awake?" He frowned a little, not sure he liked the idea of Kippei being up alone. He should have woken up sooner.

"You okay?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei studied him, wanting to say yeah, fine, because he was, mostly, but then again he didn't exactly like it that Shinji wasn't telling him things. He shrugged and smiled a little.

"Is there any reason why I wouldn't be?" He grinned a little more, stretching out on his back and tucking his hands behind his head, looking faintly smug. "I seem to remember telling you that I had the best sex of my life last night, so yeah, I am pretty damn good." He avoided the question of how long he'd been awake, because it didn't exactly follow his argument. By rights he should have slept good and long after sex like that, so obviously he'd had some other reason to be awake.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"No reason," Shinji laughed, pushing himself up so he could flop across Kippei's side and chest, resting his chin on the backs of his hands as he studied the smug look on Kippei's face. The very awake, smug look. Yeah, he had been up for a while. Damn.

"Do you want pancakes?" Because it was breakfast and Shinji sure as hell didn't know how to make anything else.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei grinned easily at him. "Maybe later. Come here," and he reached out, pulling one hand from behind his head and wrapping it around Shinji's arm, tugging him closer. "Come here and kiss me."

He wasn't really hungry right now, and in no hurry to get out of bed. He had Shinji here, warm and beautiful and alive and maybe he was hungry after all, but not for breakfast.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji grinned and slid further up Kippei's body so he could kiss the quirky little smile on Kippei's lips, deepening it deep and hard until he was gasping for breath. It was nice, knowing Kippei wanted to kiss him more than he wanted pancakes and he really wasn't hungry so it was all good, though breakfast in bed was fun.

"Mmm...I like mornings like this."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Mhmmm," Kippei agreed, feeling slow and lazy as he turned his attention to kissing his way down Shinji's throat, murmuring against the skin as he answered. "Mornings with you are the best. I like waking up with you." He left unsaid the fact that he would love to wake up next to Shinji every day, that he wished more than anything that he could.

"Don't be in a hurry, angel. We got all day."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji did his best not to shiver as he wondered how many 'all days' they had left. Deciding it was far too early to be thinking morbidly, he just enjoyed the soft kisses that were doing a lot to wake him up. God, Kippei knew how to make him want just about anything, without even trying that hard.

"Exactly how many people have you done that to?" He asked jealously, more than a little covetously, but there was a smile in it because it didnt matter if it meant Shinji got to enjoy it now.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei looked at him, blinking. Done what to? Kissing? Waking up together? He wasn't entirely sure what he was being asked about, but Shinji was jealous, and it was incredibly cute. Kind of hot, even.

"Nobody else but you," he said finally. "I never woke up with anyone like this before." Not anyone that he was glad to see in the morning, anyway. Not like this, with the kissing and the contentment and affection and just... Shinji. "There's never been anyone else like you."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Good," Shinji purred, meaning the answer and the kisses and the waking up to this and everything. Shinji pushed Kippei down into the pillows and returned the favour, kissing down Kippei's chin and down his chest, turning his attention to one small nipple, delighting in the feel of the skin changing under his tongue.

"If I burn down my apartment, will you come save me? I bet you're hot when you're all sweaty and gorgeous...That's one of those funny fantasies; being rescued by a fireman. My mum had a romance novel about a fireman years ago and told me all about it. Turned me off romance novels for life...though maybe the fireman bit stayed."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei's breathing roughened, getting quick and hoarse as he carefully did not reach for Shinji's hair--well, he did, but aborted the movement as soon as he realised he was doing it again because the last thing he wanted was for Shinji to stop and glare at him again and tell him to stop touching his hair. At least he could feel it falling and sliding over his skin as Shinji moved.

"God, Shinji," he muttered, "your hair is so damn sexy. Why'd you have to hit your head?" Because yes, it was, really that hard to stop touching his hair, and he didn't like it that Shinji was that hurt anywhere, but it was really annoying that it was his head. Kippei couldn't even make Shinji--or really, himself--feel better by petting his hair.

"I'd save you if I knew where your apartment was," he told Shinji absently after the question actually filtered into his brain.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji blinked, ignoring the reply because he couldn't tell Kippei where he lived anyway, and focussing instead on the first comment. His hair?

"You...my hair is sexy?" He frowned, pondering that. His hair was just hair; he wore it long because he liked playing with it when he was bored and it gave him something to hide behind when he was nervous or scared.

"I'm sorry...next time I'll be sure to stub my toe instead."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei gave him a dirty look, as much of one as he could manage when it was a) directed at Shinji, and b) Shinji was still doing distracting little things with his fingers.

"That isn't what I meant," he muttered, and then he fell silent, not wanting to say that he wished he could be there to keep Shinji from getting hurt at all, regardless of where.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"I know," Shinji murmured, amused, running a hand down Kippei's chest soothingly, knowing what Kippei wasn't saying but unable to offer any solace. Where he went home to, Kippei could not follow and he wished he could explain that. Really, truly explain it. He sighed, disgruntled by the limitations, then grinned, leaning down to kiss Kippei playfully.

"Mmm but angels cant take mortals back to heaven," he pointed out playfully, letting the joke of it wash away the hurt of the truth.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei stared at him, still breathing hard, the aching pain and frustration surging up because Shinji was making a joke out of this, and it wasn't funny, dammit.

"If it was heaven I wouldn't mind so much," he said bitterly, feeling suddenly angry at whatever place it was that kept his Shinji away and didn't keep him from getting hurt. "If you were really an angel, if it was heaven you went back to, I wouldn't worry about you." He shut his mouth, nearly biting his tongue in his haste to not say anymore stupid things. They weren't talking about this, right?

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Startled by Kippei's vehemance, Shinji just watched him for a minute, wishing he could see better, before he sighed and pet the pretty hair and kissed the corner of the unhappy mouth.

"You dont need to worry about me. It was just an accident. I'll make sure I dont do it again."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"I always worry about you," Kippei muttered, sighing heavily as Shinji kissed him again. This wasn't helping, wasn't making things any easier on Shinji, but Kippei was really starting to hate it that he couldn't be there and keep him safe.

"If it was an accident," he pointed out, "You can't make sure you don't do it again. Accidents happen."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Stop making it harder," Shinji mumbled half-heartedly. He got it; he knew it was wrong, that he had ever responded to Kippei at all, but how could he not? It was Kippei and he was everything Shinji never knew existed and he wanted it, more than anything else. And he knew it would hurt Kippei and he did it anyway. It hurt, knowing he was hurting Kippei; hurt more than he was willing to admit.

"I'm sorry. I'll try harder though, I swear. Please don't worry, I'll be okay."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei didn't say anything, didn't know what he could say that wouldn't do more harm than good. He shouldn't have brought it up, shouldn't have let it get to him like that.

"I'm sorry too," he said finally, rolling onto his side and tucking Shinji in against him, wrapping him up and god, it just hurt. Knowing that he couldn't have this, couldn't keep this, that Shinji was going to keep leaving and eventually, be gone for good. He wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world--but it still hurt.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji sighed and just let Kippei have his cuddles and enjoyed the warmth. He wanted to give Kippei everything, and the truth most of all, and it was stupid that it was impossible. It wasn't like it would make it hurt him any less anyway, so he settled down and let Kippei wrap him up however the hell he wanted underneath him, wrapping his own arms loosely around the broad torso and just enjoying holding him and inhaling the familar scent of smoke and water and Kippei.

"Kiss me some more?" He was almost afraid to ask, afraid Kippei might have come to his senses and realised it was more trouble than it was worth.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Always," Kippei told him, and bent to do just that, kissing him warm and fiercely, deeply as if he were trying to crawl inside him. Maybe a little desperately too, since there was definitely a tinge of that in his words. "I love you," he whispered. "I love you so much." It didn't make sense, but it didn't matter. It just was.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji smiled at the words and the wild way Kippei kissed him, wrapping his own arms tighter around him and kissing back with the same desperate fierceness.

"Me too," Shinji gasped, almost laughing because it made him feel so damn good. "I love you too. I love everything about you. The way your hand fits around mine, and the way you smell...really love your smell, and the way your skin feels and the way you sound...I could listen to you every second of every day and not get enough, and I love your hair, and the way you touch me, and that you let me use your special mug, and I love that you know all the good things in the world and you fight against the bad things, and you're not afraid to get hurt if it means someone else doesnt...I love all of you, more than everything else put together."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei stared at him, breathless, not having expected that at all and not know what to say. All of that... just. wow.

"Me too," he whispered, soft and husky and not a little wondering, amazed to hear exactly how Shinji felt about him. That, somehow, made it worth everything. No matter what, for however long they had this, it was theirs, it was what they wanted, and it mattered more than anything. "More than everything." He kissed Shinji again, more gently, slow and soft and sweet.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Mmm...maybe I should tell you I love you more often, if it means I get kisses like that?" He smiled, more than a little impishly and settled into the pillows, feeling much more awake. Tentatively, more than a little curious, he waved a hand in front of his eyes and snorted a little at the vague impression of it he got. At least there was something there other than black, it was better than before.

"What do you want to do today? I'll do anything, as long as its with you."