potg: shinji and kippei

[shattermelt]

Kippei slept hard for a few hours, and then he woke up early, when it was barely light out, not quite sure what had woken him. Maybe it was just the feeling that he didn't have time, not enough time to sleep. He was wasting time, missing something, and Shinji was a warm weight against him that reminded him exactly why. He shouldn't be sleeping when Shinji was here, not when he could be watching and drinking him in, storing up the sight for the long, lonely days without him.

Kippei hadn't really let himself think much about the fact that someday, probably soon, he was going to lose Shinji for good. A year, he thought, at most, and that was only a vague guess since he had no idea what it was that was killing him--it could be much less. But he'd gradually come to the point where he couldn't escape the fact that Shinji wasn't just blind. He was sick, and he was dying. Some kind of cancer, most likely. Kippei couldn't figure out why Shinji didn't want to tell him, but if he didn't then Kippei wasn't going to ask.

And sometimes he didn't care, blindly, fiercely did not care what was wrong because if there was no way to stop it he didn't want to know, Shinji was perfect just the way he was and Kippei couldn't love every second of it more than he already did. It didn't matter, maybe, because no matter how much time they had, he wanted it, wanted it all, and there was no question of him deciding that he couldn't do this, that he didn't want to, because there wasn't a choice. He was Shinji's for as long as Shinji was here to have him, and after that... he couldn't think about after that, because there was nothing after that. He knew, somewhere underneath everything else, that losing Shinji was going to kill him, and he didn't care about that either. Why the hell would he want to keep living without him?

He let Shinji sleep for a few more hours, just watching him, taking his thoughts out and putting them back in where they belonged, because now was not the time to be thinking about that. Shinji was here, now, and he would make the most of it. "Morning, angel," he told Shinji with a lazy smile when he finally kissed him awake. "You slept a long time."

Comments

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji laughed at that against Kippei's warm lips, pushing him back a little and trying to make out the features of Kippei's face and failing, but still amused for some reason.

"You want me even if I'm an ancient old prune? What if I was a bodysnatcher and I just stole Ibu Shinji's body because it looked good, not that it does but whatever. Or what if I'm some life-sucking vampire and I just want to devour your soul into my old prunish one? Personally, I think the story is creepy...who would ever want to know their soul was old?" Especially if they knew it would kill them. "So gross." Dying from the inside out. "Bet it would hurt." A hell of a lot. "Mmm...I'd rather be a new soul." Born in Second Realm.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei didn't like the sound of any of that, though it wasn't the words that bothered him, but the undercurrents of something like bitterness that told him they meant more to Shinji than they did to him. Shinji wasn't telling him everything, again, and Kippei didn't know how to help. His hand hovered over Shinji's hair for a moment, tugging a soft groan of frustration from him when he remembered not to touch it. Instead he let his hand fall on Shinji's shoulder, squeezing gently and drifting down his arm, stroking and reassuring.

"I want you no matter what," he answered, soft and steady and sure. "However old it is, my soul is you."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji just stared, dumbfounded. That so totally made no sense!

"Your soul cant be someone else!" He blurted out, frowning and then snickering a little at his own startled vehemence. God, he was taking those stupid stories too much to heart; grasping at straws in the hope that anything might save him. He had known for years now that he was going to die, and still his stupid heart was hoping for a miracle. Such a stubborn coward.

"Mmm but I guess, if it can, then I'll be yours, and you can be mine."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei shrugged, entirely aware that it could, and Shinji was his. He'd never had much of a soul before, never felt things so truly and deeply, never been so alive. Never been hurt, because he'd never had feelings to hurt with. Now he had Shinji, and Shinji filled him up from the inside with things he'd never known existed, thoughts and intense feelings and a sense of belonging and what was that, if not a soul?

"I'll be yours if you want," he agreed, not sure that it worked that way, but if it made Shinji feel better. He wrapped both arms around Shinji's slight frame, bending to kiss his shoulder in apology for bringing up something that was apparently troubling to Shinji.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"I want all of me to be yours," he pointed out, as if this should be obvious, a little distracted by the kiss on his shoulder and the cool air that brushed over it in Kippei's wake, making his skin tingle. He kissed Kippei's temple, then pushed away far enough that he could lean forward and kiss Kippe's neack, trailing kisses down his throat, thoroughly delighted by the evidence he had left last night and leaving some more along Kippei's collarbone.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Ahhh, Shinji," Kippei sighed, feeling the heat skittering over his skin, prickling like a chill as he turned his head, opening himself to Shinji like he had since they met and really, when had he ever stopped? Letting him in like he'd never let anyone else, letting him see, those clear grey eyes that couldn't see anything else, but they could see straight into him and he'd just let them, hadn't even tried to resist. Laying himself open because the more open he was, the closer Shinji could get, and Kippei wanted him closer than anything, until Kippei felt like he could wrap around Shinji and pull him inside, and that was what he wanted.

He found himself saying it aloud, want you inside me, a soft murmur as he slipped his arms around Shinji's waist again, holding him tightly and pulling him close, without really thinking about how it might sound.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji paused, or really froze, wishing he could see Kippei; needing to know the exact expression on his face because his own head was supplying nothing at all. He had heard about it; that you could do it that way, and when he thought about it now and thought about last night, he would rather it be this way, a little afraid that Kippei was so much bigger than he was; heavier and bulkier and just bigger. Shinji wanted proof it didn't hurt before he even considered the other as a possibility, but apparently Kippei didn't need proof; apparently Kippei knew it didn't and he wanted to and Shinji was suddenly curious. What would that feel like?

"Really?" A stupid question, and yet not. "I...I might be bad at it."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei blinked, not immediately tracking on Shinji's line of thought, then abruptly getting it, that Shinji had taken his words literally. Well, why not? It wasn't like he hadn't thought about it. Probably a much better idea, all things considered. He didn't bother to explain.

"Nah," he answered with a slow, warm smile. "You would be fantastic."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"I'm not sure if you're insinuating I'm sexy as all damn hell, or that you're likening me to a dog in heat," Shinji pointed out with a roll of his eyes, snickering a little. "I don't think I would much like being a dog, they dont cuddle afterward." As if that made all the difference.

"Do you really want to do that? It always sounds...messy. I cant even see it so Im not positive I even know how, but it just sounds...really weird." Squelching and yelling and slapping and...weird.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Did he want to? God. Kippei groaned a quiet breath of laughter, pulling Shinji up for a kiss that was quick and just as messy.

"You are sexy as all damn hell," he asserted, "and hell, yes, I want to. But only if you do." He couldn't imagine not wanting to, but then again, it didn't seem like Shinji had much experience, so maybe he didn't know. Maybe he had nothing to compare it to, to know that it would be unimaginably better than anything else.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

If he wanted to? Shinji lay there pondering. So sex had always sounded seriously weird, but maybe that was because he had never done the whole thing, and never seen it; he didn't know anything about it other than how it supposedly worked and that it sounded seriously weird when it happened in movies. Seriously. One minute there was this heart-rendering string chordal musical monstrosity and all of a sudden some woman was screaming about coming and calling Duke, or whatever the hell his name was, God. Really, really weird. Was he supposed to call Kippei god? That would be weird.

"Do you have...stuff?" This was definately one of those things where stuff was involved.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Yeah." Kippei looked amused. "I have stuff." Shinji looked like he was thinking way too hard about this, and Kippei rubbed his back, reassuring, coaxing. "It'll be good," he murmured, kissing Shinji's shoulder again, a hot, wet kiss from his open mouth that turned into a gentle sucking bite as he moved farther up Shinji's shoulder. "It'll be real good."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"So says he who can actually see what stuff is and where it goes," Shinji muttered darkly, but his temper was soothed by the kiss and sucking bite to his shoulder and he sighed, holding out an expectant hand.

"If you laugh, I will never try again," he noted haughtily, though he rather thought he would try, over and over until it was perfect if that was what it took. Though he would much rather get it right to begin with.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei kept a straight face, though he would much rather laugh again, delighted by the uneasy determination on Shinji's face and his adorable hesitation. "I won't laugh," he promised, sure that he wouldn't be laughing at all in a minute. Even if they didn't get it right the first time, it was sex with Shinji, and even if it was bad it had to be good.

He reached over to the drawer beside his bed, leaning back and pulling out the bottle of slippery lubricant he kept there, but he paused before handing it to Shinji. He almost asked if Shinji wanted him to do this, since he could see, but in the end he'd rather have Shinji's fingers than his own, so he captured Shinji's outstretched hand and squeezed a generous amount into the palm.

"Don't worry about making a mess," Kippei told him. The more mess the better, usually. He turned over, laying on his stomach, since the position would be easier for Shinji and it didn't seem quite fair for him to be able to see Shinji when Shinji couldn't see him.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji started a little at the coldness of the stuff, then dabbed a finger in it and rubbed it between thumb and forefinger curiously. He sniffed it, amused at the fruity scent, and tasted it, still amused. Carefully, he reached out and traced the line of Kippei's back, curious that he had turned over, but feeling less nervous knowing Kippei wasn't watching him. He kissed the little dip of Kippei's lower back in thanks, then let his free hand, the one not full of lubricant, explore the planes of Kippei's lower body, smoothing over arse cheeks and thighs, learning quickly before he rana finger down the centre of Kippei's body, all the way down between his legs, over the puckered flesh and down to his balls, just feeling, mapping Kippei's body in his head. He rubbed the lube between his fingers, coating them liberally, still a little amused by the substance, then he stroked a fingertip over the puckered skin a few times, loosening it just a little before slowly pushing in. It was tight and hot and fasinating, not really like anything Shinji had felt before and he was feeling it; drowning in that single sense as he stroked inside Kippei, making the inside in the same way he had mapped the outside. It wasn't that hard after a few minutes, to fit another finger in, exploring, still stroking and trying to feel the shape and texture of it all, maddeningly curious now that he was actually doing this.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei bit his lip to keep from moaning--holy shit, the kid was a fast learner. He'd obviously not done this before, was more exploring than anything, but damn, that felt good. "Yeah," he gasped after a minute. "Just like that."

Shinji's fingers were long and slender and surprisingly strong, just perfect for something like this really. It had been quite awhile, a couple years at least since Kippei had done this, but he didn't remember enjoying it this much. Somehow it made a big difference to know that it was Shinji's fingers pushing inside him, touching and stroking and god, brushing just deep enough to hit the spot that made it the best thing ever.

Kippei groaned then, torn between pushing back against him and grinding down against the bed, wanting more friction either way because he was hard as hell just waiting and wanting and if he had any coherence left, he would have laughed at himself, that Shinji could deconstruct him so quickly.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

The sounds Kippei was making sounded much like those on the movies he had listened to and it made him smile, because he couldn't be doing too badly if that was what he was getting out of Kippei. He stroked a third finger into the mix and figured that was just about right, so he smeared what was left on his palm onto his dick, hissing a little at the coldness on his hot skin, stroking a few times, pondering while he still stroked Kippei's arse. It seemed pretty damn simple, A went in B and it was all happy days but Shinji had never been more terrified of anything, very much aware he could hurt Kippei. He tentatively nudged Kippei's hip, pulling him up off the bed for a moment and stroking his hand up the length of Kippei's thigh, getting a feel for where everything was, then he pushed his cock against Kippei and nudged his own hips forward, holding his breath as nothing happened for a moment and then Kippei's muscles gave way and Shinji was sliding, mouth wide, a low moan escaping because nothing; nothing at all, had ever felt like this.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Shinji's hands were beautiful, Kippei thought, just beautiful and maddening, teasing even though he thought they were meant to soothe, or maybe to distract him. Well, they were distracting all right, but not so distracting that he couldn't feel Shinji's hesitation. He choked back a strained laugh, remembering his promise, but amused by the thought that Shinji could hurt him. Not like this, never like this.

"Yeah," he muttered again, trying not to rock back against Shinji's hands, restraining himself and waiting for Shinji to find his place and then Shinji was pushing, sliding in and he groaned, deep and low, words spilling out of him in a soft hoarse voice but he had no idea what he was saying. Jesus god, Shinji, yes, come on, please god I told you it's good, it's so good, yeah, fuck. Shinji, god, Shinji.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji laughed softly at the things Kippei was saying because somehow they made sense to him, which was rather odd since he was pretty sure he wouldn't have made heads or tails of it ten minutes ago. He wrapped his arms around Kippei, using Kippei's weight to steady himself and then he slid out, and in...achingly slow, just figuring it out and smirking a little to himself when he had it, working his hips faster while his hands slid down Kippei's stomach, seeking and finding his cock, wrapping slender fingers around it.

"Okay?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Fuck, yes," Kippei grunted, throwing his head back and biting back another groan as Shinji moved faster, and his cock was on fire where Shinji's hand was wrapped around it. "More," he panted, shoving back against Shinji's hips, wanting deeper and harder and just more. "God you feel so good." Shinji was practically draped over him, knowing that Kippei could take his weight and it was the best thing ever, feeling Shinji against him and in him and around him, better than he could have dreamed.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"More?" Shinji smiled and licked a trail of wet sucking kisses down Kippei's spine as he pushed harder and faster, feeling heady and flustered in the heat of the moment, his muscles weakening as his pleasure built and god, he was so sleeping for the rest of the day, not that he cared right then because everything seemed to be making splashes of colour dance behind his eyes, as if he were on drugs, and his face felt flushed with fever. If he hadn't known better he would have sworn he was finally dying and he rather thought it a fine way to go.

"I love you...so much." Shinji gasped the words between fevered thrusts until at last he felt his balls clenching up and he held his breath, thrusting hard into Kippei and staying there, his hands stilling as he bit into Kippei's shoulder and groaned, coming hard in Kippei as the dizzying lights behind his eyes blocked all concious thought from his mind other than that sex was indeed a very weird thing. It made you brainless.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Sex had never, ever felt like this before, and Kippei couldn't even think, let alone breathe, feeling like he was being turned inside out by the heat and the rippling waves of pleasure, soft moans torn from him in response to Shinji's words as he thrust harder and Kippei had never dreamed that could make such a difference. Hearing that, knowing it was true, at a time like this, was suddenly so intimate it was almost painful.

I love you too, he thought, but he was way past being able to say it, and then Shinji's teeth sank into his shoulder and he was coming and wow, multiple sensory overload. Kippei collapsed, uncaring that the sheets were wet beneath him, feeling Shinji's weight settle on top of him and breathing hard, eyes still closed because all he wanted to do was feel.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji felt more than dazed; he was quite certain he had just abused more muscles than he had ever known he had, and his skin was throbbing, but it was a pleasurable, sated form of pain that he didn't mind at all. He shifted only far enough to get off Kippei and not crush him, if such a thing were possible, curling up against Kippei's side in a sweaty, heavy-breathing heap, eyes clenched against the whirling mass of whatever the hell it was in his head. There was nothing like that; nothing at all. He wanted to keep touching Kippei, to not lose contact ever again and was suddenly accutely aware that in a day he would have to. A small whimper escaped him at the thought and his hands snatched at Kippei's reflexively.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei let Shinji take his hand, wrapping the other around his waist as he pressed his lips to Shinji's temple with a soft, comforting murmur. Yeah, he got it. The ache of desperation knowing that this was going to end all too soon. Being torn apart after they'd been as close as two people could be. It sucked, and it hurt like hell, but damn, it was worth it. He shifted onto his side, facing Shinji and holding him tight, feeling the slight burn in his arse as he moved and the slick wetness leaking out, a faint wry smile touching his lips as he remembered Shinji's opinion that sex was messy. Sure it was. That was what made it good.

"It's okay," he said, his voice thick and slow and rough. "It's okay." And it was, but it wasn't, too, and he silently held Shinji closer, because that was all he could do.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji wanted to say no and shake his head but in the end he was pretty sure he might pass out if he did. He felt exhausted and dizzy with delight, proud of himself and feeling stupid for it, but still just feeling hellishly good. He kept his eyes closed and just enjoyed being close to Kippei, letting his breath and senses come back in their own time.

After a while he scrunched his nose in distaste because sex really was messy and it smelt weird.

"Do you have a bath?" Because he couldn't think of anything better to do than be lazy in a bath with Kippei all afternoon.