potg: shinji and kippei

[shattermelt]

Kippei was impressed; this hotel had really nice beds. Nice, big, soft beds, big enough for him and Shinji and Shinji's wings. Those wings. They still gave him an awed sense of disbelief and wonder every time he looked at them, but they were undeniably real. Shinji was an angel. It was just incredible.

They were really, really warm, too. Kippei didn't think he'd ever slept better in his life than he had last night, on Shinji's bed with the wings tucked around them both. He reached out to stroke the back of one, fully feathered now and sort of glowing in the faint light from the window. Not white. They weren't white. He hadn't really seen them in daylight yet, but he was pretty sure they weren't white even then.

"Hey, beautiful," he murmured when he sensed Shinji stirring, starting to wake up. He hadn't meant to wake him but he supposed when you had a human mucking around with your wings you might get twitchy.

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[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Hey," Shinji mumbled, not really awake at all or he would have picked up on the beautiful part of it and protested. Instead, he snuggled closer to Kippei, wings shifting to sprawl out lazily, one hanging off the side of the bed, the other across Kippei like a blanket. Shinji realised he was no longer dreaming, and that Kippei was playing with his wings and frowned. The whole not even being able to open his eyes thing was really starting to suck. Sooner the bandages came off the better, blind or otherwise.

"You don't mind them do you?" He bit his lip a little nervously, wondering what Kippei thought. He hadn't asked him and it must have been a shock. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei chuckled wryly. "It was a surprise," he admitted--understatement of the freaking century. "I don't mind at all, just takes some getting used to." He kept stroking softly along the arch of the wing, marveling at the texture of the feathers under his fingers and the fragile bones beneath.

"They're gorgeous," he said softly.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji snorted at that, feeling too happy and soothed by that touch to argue. He did sigh though, because it wasn't his favourite topic.

"My sisters have silver wings. My parents have silver wings. Me? Hello midnight. I used to hate them...then I realised your eyes were the same colour and I don't hate it anymore. I don't feel like the odd one out. I feel like I belong." And this was way too deep a conversation, or sappy, to be having first thing in the morning.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei blinked at that, and then smiled, hiding it in Shinji's hair. Blue then, dark blue, and definitely not white. He'd thought maybe it was just the lack of light that made them look so dark, but apparently they were always that way.

"You belong," he agreed firmly, because that was definitely true. No matter what, Shinji belonged with him. "You're all mine."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Mmm that's good, since you're all mine. Well, mine most of the time and then you belong to the fire station. I can't believe you haven't been at work; you love that job like crazy." But it made him feel stupidly happy, because the amount that he knew Kippei loved firefighting had paled into nonexistance with the need to know Shinji was okay. Kippei was a worrywart, but with good reason.

"You really love me."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei was silent for a minute, wrapping both arms around Shinji again and holding him close, feeling Shinji's slight weight rising and falling with his breath.

"Yeah," he said finally. "Yeah, I really do." It was still scary, admitting that out loud. He'd never felt this way before about anyone, and knowing just how far he would go for Shinji, what he would do to stay with him was something that he avoided thinking too closely about, because it was really fucking scary.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"I love you too," Shinji whispered, as if it were a secret, which was so far from the truth it was stupid. He would give up anything for Kippei, even his desire to just die already. Surely it was worth fighting, since they wouldn't let him die any sooner anyway. It must be better to fight it and try to get better, impossible as it seemed, just for an hour, a day, a week, or even a year more with Kippei. Just more.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei laid still for another long minute, just listening to him breathing, his hands moving slowly up and down Shinji's back, feeling out the battered ribs and wincing slightly at the thought of how sore Shinji must be after what they did last night. He probably shouldn't have let it happen, but it was way past too late now to worry about it. God, so easily broken, even more easily bruised, this fragile lover in his arms and it made him ache inside to think how easy it would be, and how inevitable it was, to lose him altogether.

"I don't want to lose you," he admitted hoarsely at last. His voice was rough and raw, scraped open and bleeding. It was a stupid thing to say, something that neither of them could do anything about, but sometimes it was just the central truth of his life that he couldn't help but think about.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Give me your blood," Shinji blurted out. Then he stared at the back of his lids, stumped. It took a moment to remember the story they told in First Realm about what prompted them to build the gate.

"Some of the doctors, they think we can get better. That's why they built the portal. There was an angel and he came in contact with human blood and he got better. I get better here. I feel stronger, but then I have to go back or I get even worse. But if I can take you with me, even just a tiny bit of you..." A vial of blood would be good, right? And it wouldn't hurt Kippei.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Yes," Kippei agreed immediately, before he'd even processed what Shinji was asking and why. Shinji rarely asked him for anything, and he wanted to, whatever it was. Blood? Sure.

Then the rest of it sunk in and in spite of himself, a spark of hope flared inside his chest. If it might help him get better? Hell yes, absolutely. "Fuck yes, as much as you need."

After a minute he added softly, hardly daring to ask, "You really think it might help?"

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"It hurts to go back," Shinji admitted. "I feel weak and stupid and ridiculous and I try to take bits of you with me but they're stupid things. Voice messages on my phone, or one of your shirts. They're not you. But blood. That's you. It's not the same as being with you but it's still taking a tiny bit of you with me." He shrugged, not sure it would help.

"I want to try anything. It doesnt matter what it is, if it works. I want to stay with you."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei shivered, but not because the words sounded as creepy as maybe they should have. He wanted to keep anything he could of Shinji, too. The idea, though, that it might possibly work, that Shinji might be able to stay, or at least stay longer... he wanted that so fucking badly. And he shivered, because--if it didn't work, even something this drastic, if nothing worked... but he wasn't going to think about that.

"I wish it didn't hurt," he said, sighing. "I wish I could make it better."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Silly," Shinji laughed a little breathlessly, because it made his ribs ache to laugh. His smile was wide as he shifted, pushing himself up and straddling Kippei, leaning down to kiss the corners of his mouth. "You make it better than it's ever been before. You make everything better. That's why it hurts to have to go away, even for a moment, even for just a day...I want to be able to stay with you always, so I just have to get better." It sounded so much simpler than it really was.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei smiled, even though it hurt, because it was nice to know that Shinji thought he made things better, even if, for him, it wasn't better enough. He wanted to make Shinji happy, really truly happy all the time, and never hurting. Of course, that was an impossibility, no matter what he couldn't do that, even if Shinji wasn't a sick angel there would be things that Kippei couldn't keep from happening, things that hurt him or made him unhappy. But that didn't mean he didn't want to.

"I'm glad," was all he said. "I want to stay with you too."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Mmm really?" Shinji couldn't stop smiling, leaning down to lie on top of Kippei and kiss him, over and over because it was just the most perfect thing ever. Kippei was the real angel; God just got it wrong.

"Are you gonna stay with me all day then?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, really." Kippei had to smile, himself, feeling warm all over at the sight of the smile he'd put on Shinji's face.

"As long as I can. When do you have to go back?"

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Tonight," Shinji smirked. "Which gives us...mm...about ten hours? What do you want to do? We can order room service, but their pancakes aren't as good as mine." Actually he had no idea if they were or not, never having ordered any, but Kippei should just agree because Shinji made pancakes for Kippei was obsessive love, and nothing beat that.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei sighed. Only ten hours. God, that didn't sound like any time at all.

"I'm not hungry," he decided. "They wouldn't be yours and I don't want to eat. How about you tell me.... everything. Where you really come from and... your family, and where you live when you're not here, and..." He had so many questions, wanted to know so many things, he didn't know where to start.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"About me?" Shinji just lay there, stumped. He wanted to know everything? About Shinji? There really wasn't that much to say, was there? He supposed they didn't really know anything about each other. It hadn't seemed important, but now that he was staying around Shinji wanted to know everything about Kippei.

"Um...I have two sisters, both younger than me...they're not sick so they live with my parents. I live in a centre for treatment. It's new and on a special island. I have one roommate...he's kind of insane. Everyone has different syptoms and he's suicidal so he likes to cut himself up."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei listened intently, absorbing the details and filling out his picture of Shinji's background, which was mostly a big blank hole. He knew Shinji, but he didn't know anything about him--and until now, that had never seemed to matter, but now he found himself gathering each bit of information like jewels, something precious.

"Sounds like you could use a new roommate," he commented, but of course, Shinji belonged here with him and Kippei wouldn't like his roommate no matter who it was. "So," he said slowly, after he thought about it a bit. "This sickness, it doesn't run in families?" If it really was a... a soul thing, he supposed it wouldn't. That part was still really hard to believe.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Nope. Totally random. And the symptoms are a really long list. They didn't realise I was sick until I was eighteen, because...well, I had funny symptoms when I was younger and they didn't notice." Really didn't want to be thinking about any of that.

"Kirihara isn't so bad. He needs someone to hold his hand and pet his stupid head every now and then but he's okay."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei sighed, unhappy with the idea of a random mystery disease that had, for some reason, attacked his Shinji for no reason. It was true that if Shinji hadn't been sick, he would never have come here and Kippei would never have met him, but Kippei didn't like to think about that. He hated thinking that Shinji might have been sick for a reason--because of him. Even if that was a stupidly arrogant and fated way of thinking and he thought it was crap, the idea still made him uneasy.

"I should be your roommate," he grumbled. He didn't like this Kirihara at all, no matter what Shinji said.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Mmm that would be really cool, but that would also mean you were sick and I don't want you to be sick. Besides." He grinned and wove his fingers through Kippei's hair thoughtfully, enjoying the way the strands clung to his fingers.

"I like you much better when you're my home."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei had to smile, half laughing as he buried his face in Shinji's hair and hung on tighter. God, yes. Much worse if he was sick too, and he couldn't take care of Shinji. But if he'd been sick, at least he would have been there with him, would have known what he was going through, would have been able to share it. Even if he'd been sick too, he was sure he would have found a way to take care of Shinji.

"I'll always be your home," he whispered finally, swallowing hard past the sudden tightness in his throat.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, you will." Because no matter what else happened that was certainly never going to change. Shinji rested his chin on his hands, watching as if he could actually see.

"What about you? I want to know everything about you."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei chuckled. "There isn't much to say about me. You know where I work, I've been doing that since I was old enough to get accepted. I don't see my family very often--my sister's married and we're both busy, but we keep in touch. Sort of. I work and on my off days I ride my bike or I go hiking or climbing or just hang out somewhere. Play a pickup game of basketball with my friends or something." He paused, hesitating. "Sometimes I go up to the university library and spend the day there," he muttered, a little embarrassed.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Ah yes, Kippei's oh so embarassing reading habit. Shinji grinned and kissed him, a reward for his little story. So Kippei was the big brother too? Maybe...he hadn't said that but Shinji got the feeling Kippei definately wasn't the younger sibling. It felt like one more thing they had in common, silly as it was.

"Can I meet them? Can I meet your friends?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei blinked at him, a little taken aback. He hadn't expected that question, though he didn't know why not.

"Ummm... sure, I guess," he said, a little reluctant for some reason. It wasn't that he didn't want Shinji to meet his friends, but... he didn't want to have to share him.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Ummm? You sound hesitant, but not against the idea." Which fascinated Shinji and only made him more determined to meet them. They were part of Kippei's life and so Shinji wanted to meet them and talk to them and get to know that part of Kippei he had never seen.

"I want to meet them. Maybe not right away...I want to meet them without a bandage on my head and my eyes taped shut...but I do want to meet them."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei shrugged, a little uncomfortably. "Well, I haven't told them much about you. They just..." He sighed. "They'll give me so much shit for this," he muttered. He knew perfectly well that it would all be good natured and even affectionate, but they would give him no end of a hard time for hiding away with a 'looker' like Shinji.

"You can meet them, just. You know. They're guys, and they don't mean anything. They're nice." But he still felt a bit apprehensive about what in the hell they might say to Shinji or about him.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji pondered that, but it didn't scare him off. He might get joked about or made fun of, but they were Kippei's friends so Shinji didn't think it would be in bad humour. Kippei was just afraid of being made fun of, which really came as no surprise.

"So I get to be your dirty little secret?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei snorted. "Something like that. They know I've been seeing someone, but not who or anything else about you." Didn't even know it was a guy, although he'd never made any secret of his preferences.

"It's not that you're a secret, exactly. I just... was busy and wanted to spend my time with you when I had it, and... didn't want to share you," he muttered. They were going to get all over him for not introducing Shinji sooner, but he'd been too focused on Shinji himself. It hadn't been in the priorities when he had so little time with Shinji to begin with.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"But I liked being a secret," Shinji mused quietly, almost to himself. "I liked having you all to myself and not having to deal with anyone else and just...it was like living in a dream, don't you think? It was just us. It is just us. That's pretty neat. But I want to know everything, and everything has friends attached. You already met the one friend I made...so now I get to meet yours." Though he doubted Kippei's friends were anything like Eiji.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei grinned. "Yeah, it's pretty neat," he agreed. Having their own little world with just the two of them in it, what more did they need? It was perfect. But the rest of the world, or both worlds, he supposed, since Shinji wasn't actually from this one, still existed, and couldn't be ignored forever.

"You'll meet them," he assured Shinji. "When you're feeling better and you can go out again, we'll go see them. Meet them, anyway," he corrected, thinking that see wasn't quite the right word.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji grinned at that, because he liked the way Kippei never tip-toed around it. He often forgot Shinji couldn't see or seemed disappointed in it, but he never tried to avoid it deliberately like some people did.

"I'm feeling better now. I'm with you. I always feel better with you. Mmm but I can wait since I don't think they would appreciate me breaking the rules and just walking out. I wonder how far I would get before they pounced on me. It took them long enough to get me when I was sick. But I guess they were busy."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei winced slightly at the reminder--not a great memory, standing helplessly by and watching strangers he only hoped could help him take his boyfriend away, no guarantee that he'd ever see him again or even know what had happened to him if it was something bad. Standing by because even with that uncertainty, it was still more of a chance than he'd had, sitting there alone watching Shinji dying in his arms.

"You can wait," he said firmly. "We're not doing that again." I'm not doing that again.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"I can wait," Shinji agreed, sensing the immediate disease in Kippei and stroking a hand gently down the side of his neck and across his chest, trying to soothe away the hurts he had inadvertantly given Kippei. It was, perhaps, the only thing he regretted.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei sighed, not even knowing what to say to that. How could Shinji not have known that it would hurt him? How could he have thought that losing Shinji so suddenly, like that, would be better than waiting and trying gain as much time as they could, take as much as they could get? He didn't really understand Shinji's reasoning, why he'd wanted or thought that it would be best, but the fact remained that it had hurt, although he believed that Shinji hadn't meant it to.

"It's always going to hurt, Shinji," he said quietly. "No matter how, no matter when, losing you is going to kill me." Literally, but Shinji didn't have to know that. "Nothing that you do is going to change that--but I want it to be later rather than sooner. I don't want to lose you any sooner than I have to."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji swallowed past the lump in his throat, feeling hurt because he had hurt Kippei and it was almost funny that he had inadvertantly hurt himself too. He placed his hand over Kippei's heart and could feel his pulse criss-crossing over Kippei's through his fingertips and wished they were beating at the same time, but that was stupid.

"I know...I just didn't want it to but it was too late. It's okay...I'm going to stay. I'm going to stay with you." No matter what it took, he was staying with Kippei.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei silently kissed his temple, and let his hands wander slowly up and down Shinji's back, broad flat strokes of his hands, both comfort and idle exploration. Shinji was here right now, and that would do for the moment. He didn't know if Shinji meant stay as in, stay as long as possible, or if he was wishing that something might change, wanting to believe that he would get better and be able to stay forever. Kippei didn't think he could bring himself to hope for that, but he wasn't going to call Shinji on it, either.

"You know I miss you every time, right?" he asked after a minute. "Every time you go, I always miss you. It's always better when I'm with you, too."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Every time?" Only, he didn't need Kippei to answer that question, so Shinji just smiled and snuggled in closer to Kippei, sneaking his hands around Kippei's shoulders to hold him closer.

"Every time," he agreed for Kippei. Every time was like a little death, only not really because there would be a tomorrow but then seeing Kippei was like heaven, so Shinji wasn't so sure he didn't die every time he left. In a weird metaphorical sense, of course.

Kippei chuckled when Shinji agreed for him, rubbing his cheek against Shinji's hair. "You're so perfect," he said contentedly, simply loving the way he felt when Shinji was with him, the safety and rightness and sense of completion that he'd never experienced before. He wished it could last forever, wished he could keep Shinji with him all the time, but just knowing that he was still alive out there somewhere was a hell of a good thing. "I can't imagine how I ever lived without you." He bit his lip then, having come a little too close to saying that he knew he couldn't do it again.

"I hope not, it would suck if you knew how to live without me since I don't know how to live without you, so it's only fair. You're not allowed to suddenly remember either, not anymore. You have to want me for good." As if that wasn't exactly what Kippei was saying. Only Kippei said it with weird words like 'perfect' that made Shinji blush and hide against Kippei's incredible body.

"Mmm...Most boys say they want to grow up to be a fireman. I think I got the better deal. I get to keep one. And I can take off your uniform as many times as I want."

Kippei laughed at him, the tension in his chest easing as Shinji failed to pick up on the unspoken meaning of his statement. "God, no. I want you forever." He kissed the top of Shinji's head, still chuckling.

"You get to keep me," he agreed. "And you can always take off my uniform since if you were there I wouldn't want to be wearing it anyway." Or anything else, for that matter.

"Mmm is that right." Shinji smiled and idly stroked Kippei's shoulder, amused and enjoying himself and just damn happy to be back with Kippei even if for only a few hours. Any time was good time with Kippei.

"It's hot," he suddenly complained, frowning and concentrating on his wings, letting them retract, leaving the two of them lying in a pool of dark feathers that slowly began to fade. It was cooler, and he sighed in relief at the lost pressure of wings. He felt more himself with them out but god he hated carrying them around.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei sighed, a little regretfully, when Shinji put his wings away, but it made it easier to turn a little on his side and curl up around him, wrapping him up and stroking his back and shoulders where the wings had disappeared.

"Does it hurt?" he asked curiously. "When you take them out or put them away?" It was a little unsettling to see them burst out of Shinji's back and pull back in the way they did. It looked like it would hurt, but he supposed angels did it all the time.

"No...just burns a little. Like carpet burn and it doesn't last long." Not that he cared when Kippei was rubbing his back like that. Shinji damn near purred, pressing in close and cuddling Kippei, loving the warmth and the proximity and really getting used to the lack of smoke in his scent.

"I like when you smell like water. Just water and earth."

Kippei blinked at him, a little amused. "Like water?" he asked curiously. Why the hell would he smell like water? On the other hand, Shinji smelled like rain, and that was probably just as incomprehensible. He tucked his face against Shinji's shoulder and breathed in, sighing a little because yeah, that was perfect. He loved the way Shinji felt in his arms, small and slender and cuddling, holding on as tightly as Kippei held on to him. Safe and warm, fitting as perfectly as if he'd been made to, as if he'd been born for just this, both of them made for each other, and it was the best feeling in the world.

"Yeah, like water. It's in your skin. Usually its smoke and water but now its just water. You smell clean. I really like it." He yawned, a little amused that Kippei's idle stroking and cuddling was putting him to sleep. He licked at Kippei's throat playfully, amused.

"You're making me sleepy. I don't want to sleep when I can spend time with you so you should keep me awake."

Kippei chuckled wryly, amused that the difference in his scent that had bothered Shinji at first ended up being something he really liked. "If you like it that much, maybe I should go ahead and quit," he said, thinking out loud, something that he'd been thinking about for a long time.

"Shinji..." He stopped, not knowing how to ask what he wanted to know.

Shinji frowned, not liking that at all. Kippei loved his job; had adored that job before Shinji came along.

"But you love your job, and I can't always be here, so you should work and we should make sure that I always come back when you have time off...then you can have both the things you love. I don't want you to miss out on anything you love."

Kippei nodded, still thinking. "I probably won't quit," he admitted, because he couldn't really imagine leaving his job forever, but... how long did he really have to keep doing it? Would it even matter if he didn't quit?

"How long do we have, Shinji?" he asked quietly. "If this doesn't work, you taking my blood, if you don't start getting better.... how long?" He hated to ask this now, when he'd just finally gotten Shinji back and they had so little time before he had to leave again, but he had to know. If he only had a few months left, or even less, it was going to change things considerably.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Shinji shivered, not wanting to think about it which was ironic when it was all he could think of just a few weeks ago. But he wanted to stay; wanted to get better. Still, Kippei deserved to know, since it was going to screw them both over.

"Twenty five...they don't live longer than twenty five...but I'm not..." He took a deep breath, trying to calm the wild beating of his heart; the desperate need for it to not be true. "I'm weaker than they were."

Kippei looked at him sharply, having all kinds of questions, not even knowing how old Shinji was now. He felt suddenly old, incredibly old, being an age that none of Shinji's kind ever lived past, the angels with missing parts of their souls. He held Shinji close, rubbing his back reassuringly as he shivered, apologetic.

"So you don't know?" he murmured. What did that mean? A year, two? He closed his eyes tightly, wishing for... anything. After a moment he sighed, looking down at Shinji again. "How old are you, baby?" He reached up one hand to brush gently over Shinji's cheek, over his cheekbone as if to wipe away nonexistent tears.

Shinji just shrugged. He had no idea and it grated, not knowing. Though he thought that maybe it was a good thing since there was the chance, slim as it was, that all this madness would work and he would get better. He had to cling to that hope because he was running out of time.

"I'm twenty one." Going on twenty two and considered too small and weak to do much of anything would breaking something. Stubbing his toe was likely to smash his whole damn foot. "How old are you? It feels pretty dumb asking that...I never thought about it."

Kippei blinked, a little surprised--he hadn't had any real idea how old Shinji was, and he did look pretty young, but hearing it in numbers made him smile, a slow, delighted curl of his mouth, and he couldn't resist leaning down to kiss him soundly. Tiny beautiful perfect little angel and god, Kippei loved him so much it hurt. "Mine," he murmured against Shinji's mouth, still smiling. Kippei wanted to wrap him up and take him home and take care of him forever. And that just wasn't possible.

Still, he breathed a tiny sigh of relief; Shinji being only twenty one meant at least a year, maybe two, he thought he could count on. Maybe more, if they were lucky.

He leaned back, looking down at Shinji and cocking an eyebrow. "I'm twenty five. Old enough to know better and too young to care." He grinned.

Shinji laughed at that, feeling around for Kippei's mouth, then just rubbing his fingertips back and forth across his lips lazily in feather-soft motions, the kisses those lips left still vibrating on his own lips. He liked the way Kippei said 'mine'; it made something in him soften, knowing he belonged somewhere, but it hurt a little too. If the soulmates thing wasn't just a stupid story, why wasn't it Kippei, when Kippei was all he ever wanted? It wasn't fair, but he was used to not fair.

"You're perfect." Just not perfect for Shinji, even though he was.