oob: Kippei and Shinji

[shattermelt]

Shinji still wasn't talking. Not talking to him, Kippei realised, just like he'd said. God, he was stubborn. Kippei had no idea how to fix this, because he just didn't know how to give Shinji what he wanted. There was somewhere a sharp, screaming edge of terror that said he couldn't, that if he gave in on this one point then everything was going to fall apart. People were going to get hurt. Shinji would get hurt. He couldn't do it.

It wasn't like Shinji was ignoring him completely, either. He just wasn't talking. Kippei found him curled up on the daybed in the sunroom, and sat down beside him in silence for awhile, holding Shinji's hand and playing with his fingers. Silence, because he'd said hello and Shinji hadn't answered him, and obviously wasn't going to.

"I'm sorry," Kippei told him finally again, frustrated and feeling guilty for making Shinji upset, but not knowing anymore than he had before how to change the way he felt. It was too much a part of him. Kippei sighed, reaching for him, wanting to hold him even if he wouldn't answer.

"I don't know how to do this. I can't. I'm sorry." He wondered grimly if maybe Shinji was just never going to talk to him again.

Comments

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji was quiet a long time, letting the sense of warmth and safety sink in to ridiculously cold and scared bones. He hadn't just not spoken and lazed around; he had been thinking and while he didn't actually like what he was thinking about he thought Akira and Kippei were pretty damn good reasons to get to thinking about it. Because he couldn't keep hurting them just because he was afraid of getting hurt. He would rather get hurt than know he was hurting them anyway. So a lot of thinking, and remembering, had been in order. And he had been right...thinking was bad. Not thinking was bliss.

"......she's really cute. Not like Sada, but...she is."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei went completely still, and then his hands started moving again, long slow strokes up and down Shinji's arms, on his back. He didn't know what to say, didn't want to say anything for fear of breaking whatever spell it was that had Shinji talking again and thinking about this, like Kippei had wanted him to so badly. He murmured something reassuring and held Shinji closer, wanting to hear more but not wanting to ask.

"Yeah, she is," he agreed softly at last, when Shinji didn't speak again.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji frowned, not knowing what to say but that was half the problem with this; he never knew what to say and then hadn't said anything and then, forgot completely that he was supposed to be saying something...But he couldn't forget when Kippei didn't want him to. He had to remember and talk and do the right thing.

"I...she...you knew about the shirt. That's why you were upset that day you came home."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei drew his breath in sharply, not having expected that, surprised that Shinji had put that together, but obviously he had been doing a lot of thinking here the last few days.

"I...yeah," he admitted when he could breathe again. "I knew about it." He wanted to say more, but he wasn't sure he could and he didn't know exactly what was going on here, what conclusions Shinji had come to with all his thinking, so he just waited.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"I...mmm." He went quiet again and tried to think. He wanted to show Kippei, but he couldn't; could never admit he had kept both shirts and that the proof had been there all along. He just hadn't seen it. But that was past and now he had to accept that some things were real. Like little sisters.

"...Someone should have told me. Even if I got mad, or...whatever. They should have. Its annoying that they didn't, like they all knew this thing the whole time and I was just...ignorant. I must have said so many things without even knowing, and it would have hurt them, and they never said anything."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei lifted his chin, tilted his head up and kissed him gently on the mouth. "You didn't know. They knew you didn't know. Yeah, they should have told you, but you can't beat yourself up for not knowing. They didn't know how, or what to say. They didn't want to hurt you, either." He paused, trying to put what he was feeling into words, something that he didn't think Shinji was going to like, but needing to say it anyway.

"It's their choice," he said softly. "If they'd rather let you hurt them, than hurt you by telling you, that's their choice. And you have to let them."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

That made sense, and Shinji after all wanted the same thing; to hurt himself before he hurt the people he loved, but...

"But that just hurts everyone more..." The pain of knowing what he did, combined with the pain of knowing they all hid it and tried to make it seem like he was a good person and had done a good thing...it made him sick.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei studied him silently for a minute. "You know," he muttered. "We keep doing this." He sighed, feeling Shinji's weight rise and fall on his chest; a familiar, comfortable weight. "It's not that it hurts more. It's just different. No matter which way, it's still going to hurt. Sometimes you can't change that. It's not your fault, Shin," Kippei insisted, seeing the changing expressions on his face. Shinji was convinced that he'd done a terrible thing. This only made it worse. Kippei wasn't sure that he could be made to see differently, any more than Kippei himself could see that he was allowed to make mistakes.

"We're quite a pair, aren't we?" he murmured wryly, and fell silent, absorbing himself in running his fingers through Shinji's hair.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Mmm....but it works. We work." He closed his eyes and just enjoyed the feeling of fingers in his hair, letting them soothe and giving in to the decision he had already made. He'd made it, sitting in their closet staring at two bloody shirts and the little bloody handprints on them. Two sisters and he had bloodied both their memories. He had to make it right.

"I'll see her. I mean...properly. Without...I won't panic. I'll talk to her and stuff. We can have her over to dinner or something."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei closed his eyes, allowing himself a small breath of relief. He hadn't really quite been sure, yet, that they could do this, that Shinji could do this, could get to the point where he could even talk to his sister, without the panic and the screaming and the fear. Whatever thinking Shinji had been doing, Kippei was deeply grateful for the results.

"You can do it," he said, soft and sure. "You'll do just fine." He kissed Shinji again, for thank you and I'm proud of you and I love you so, so much.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

The kiss soothed the feeling of unrest in Shinji and he exhaled slowly, not even aware he had been holding his breath. He didn't like the idea, but he would do it, and it would be right and nothing horrible would happen and then he would be worth that kiss that said I'm proud of you. He smiled at the thought and kissed back, saying I love you too and I promise and...nearly, almost, I'll try harder, but Kippei never liked it when he said that so he didn't. Not with a kiss, because Kippei liked kisses and Shinji never wanted him to not like them.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei could tell that Shinji still didn't like the idea, didn't want to do it, but he was willing to try, anyway. He was going to. Kippei knew it was going to be hard for him, but he intended to be right beside Shinji every step of the way.

"It'll be okay," he said again. "I'll be there. You want to have dinner, then? Invite them all here?" That would be good, Kippei thought. They could all come together--Ashi and Sada and their dad, and it would really, really be okay. But maybe that was a little too much all at once, for Shinji. "Or just her?" Either way, Kippei was just relieved that he'd been thinking about it, that he was trying, that he wanted to. Whether he actually managed it or not, Kippei was still damn proud of him.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Just her," Shinji damn near squeaked, immediately terrified of the idea of trying to deal with Sada and his dad and Ashi all together, like a family. Like that was normal and he hadn't done anything wrong.

Kippei's voice had the same effect on him as always though, soothing and calming and so exactly what he wanted and needed.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Mhmmm," Kippei agreed, apologizing with his fingers in Shinji's hair, running another hand down his spine and soothing him like a cat with its back up. "Okay. Just her." For now, though he wanted to have everybody sometime, but of course, that was going to be a little much all at once. One thing at a time, he reminded himself, kissing the top of Shinji's head.

"Good for you. You'll make her very happy. And me," he added, because he wasn't sure Shinji believed the first part, or whether he cared if he did.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji couldn't really care about whether or not it made his little sister happy, though he was glad it would. Better was that it would make Kippei happy. Not just happy; very happy. He smiled and snuggled in close against Kippei, delighted by the sun and being close to Kippei and knowing he was finally doing something right.

"Stay here with me til the sun goes down?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei thought this was a rather obvious question, but okay, whatever. He wrapped Shinji up close and sighed, a deep, happy sigh of relief and contentment and enjoying this feeling, of being together, of Shinji in his arms and holding on as if Kippei was his anchor in a storm.

"Til then and after," he said in a slow, comfortable drawl, kissing Shinji's hair again, starting to feel a bit drowsy in the sun and warmth and Shinji. Until forever, of course.