oob: Kippei and Shinji

[shattermelt]

Shinji still wasn't talking. Not talking to him, Kippei realised, just like he'd said. God, he was stubborn. Kippei had no idea how to fix this, because he just didn't know how to give Shinji what he wanted. There was somewhere a sharp, screaming edge of terror that said he couldn't, that if he gave in on this one point then everything was going to fall apart. People were going to get hurt. Shinji would get hurt. He couldn't do it.

It wasn't like Shinji was ignoring him completely, either. He just wasn't talking. Kippei found him curled up on the daybed in the sunroom, and sat down beside him in silence for awhile, holding Shinji's hand and playing with his fingers. Silence, because he'd said hello and Shinji hadn't answered him, and obviously wasn't going to.

"I'm sorry," Kippei told him finally again, frustrated and feeling guilty for making Shinji upset, but not knowing anymore than he had before how to change the way he felt. It was too much a part of him. Kippei sighed, reaching for him, wanting to hold him even if he wouldn't answer.

"I don't know how to do this. I can't. I'm sorry." He wondered grimly if maybe Shinji was just never going to talk to him again.

Comments

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji wasn't sure why he was being so stubborn about it. He didn't really care about it enough to have stopped talking for this long anyway. Rather it was good timing since he didnt want to talk to anyone anyway. It was a reason to not have to say anything without anyone asking him stupid questions. He didn't protest at all when Kippei reached out and dragged him into those arms. Hell, Shinji wrapped his own around Kippei's waist and curled up in Kippei's lap like a kid. He always felt safe with Kippei. Safe and warm. He wanted to say he was sorry too; sorry he was making Kippei think he was still mad, but he didn't want to say that because then Kippei would want to know why when the why was obvious. He would do almost anything to never have to talk again.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei sighed in relief as Shinji curled into him, wrapping around him too. Yes, perfect, like that. Just like that. No matter what else, they had this and they fit together just right and it was perfect. It wasn't that he'd thought Shinji was still mad at him, exactly. Just that he was trying to make a point of some kind, and Kippei wasn't entirely sure what the point was, but he didn't think it would do much good to point out that he wasn't getting it and if Shinji didn't tell him, he wouldn't.

"Mmmm," he murmured, putting aside the question for the moment. "You feel good." Just, good, having Shinji in his arms like this, and Kippei kissed the top of his head and smiled to himself.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji wriggled closer, giving up when he couldn't get close enough for his liking and pushing Kippei back onto the bed so he could flop on top of him and lazily go back to soaking up the sun. Kippei was right; it did feel good. Damn good, in fact. Shinji was more than a little delighted that summer was back and the sun room really was full of sun. It was guaranteed warmth on the day bed and Shinji was making the most of it.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei chuckled a little, letting Shinji rearrange him and the warm sun soak into them both. Maybe if they got warm enough, all the things that were wrong wouldn't matter. Wishful thinking, but he could enjoy this while it lasted, anyway.

"You like that, kitten?" Kippei asked him rhetorically, rubbing Shinji's back and feeling like purring himself. Shinji was like Kafe sometimes, the way he liked the sun would curl up and catnap in it. Even better when he was curled up on Kippei; then they both got to enjoy it.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

A contented hum escaped Shinji despite is determination to stay silent. He closed his eyes and just soaked it up, enjoying having two of his favourite things; Kippei and sunlight. As if to make it even more complete there was a gentle dip on the mattress and Shinji felt a warm tongue lick at his heated skin. It brought a smile to his lips as he reached down and pulled Kafe up to snuggle with him on Kippei.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Shinji was purring after all, and for an instant Kippei was delighted with himself. He'd made Shinji sound like that. It still wasn't talking, but he'd take what he could get.

He reached to pet the cat when Shinji found him, pulling him into the embrace with a soft sigh. "You've been a good cat," he told Kafe softly, rubbing his ears. There had been times when Kafe had been a great comfort--to all of them, but Kippei could remember times when he in particular had been grateful for the simple affection of the little cat. Some of them were really bad memories, but for that.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji couldn't help it; he laughed. Kippei talking to Kafe because Shinji wouldn't talk to him was so outside the usual way things went that it made laughter spill. That, and it was incredibly cute, especially when Kafe was purring happily and making kitty-love to Kippei's hand.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei smiled a little to himself, pleased with Shinji's laughter. That hadn't really been the reason he'd been talking to the cat--at least, not most of it--but he was glad that it made Shinji laugh anyway. God, he missed Shinji's laughter when it wasn't there.

"You making fun of me?" he asked Shinji, mock growling as if he were offended, but his eyes were still shining with affection and amusement.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji was quiet because they both knew he wasn't making fun of Kippei, though he did on occasion, but not seriously. Kippei was just...perfect and too Buchouish to make fun of seriously. Unlike Akira...Where was Aki anyway? Probably in the garden, since it was sunny. If there was one thing Shinji hated about owning a house, it was mowing the stupid lawn and the way Akira spent more time in the garden than with him. But that was just his jealous streak coming out. He would be mad at the cereal Akira ate because it got to be in Akira and have some of his attention, if he didnt also know it ended up in the toilet bowl.

"I love you."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei blinked, craning his neck to look down at him, the soft words so quiet he thought he might have imagined them. Shinji was talking and he'd said that. He blinked again, this time to clear his vision, and wrapped his arms snugly around Shinji's waist, leaning up to kiss his forehead.

"I love you too." He had no idea if Shinji was talking again or not, if he'd just decided to make an exception for this one thing, but he was glad anyway, to hear Shinji's voice, even just barely. He had a couple of nightmares where Shinji stopped talking altogether, forever.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji was quiet a long time, letting the sense of warmth and safety sink in to ridiculously cold and scared bones. He hadn't just not spoken and lazed around; he had been thinking and while he didn't actually like what he was thinking about he thought Akira and Kippei were pretty damn good reasons to get to thinking about it. Because he couldn't keep hurting them just because he was afraid of getting hurt. He would rather get hurt than know he was hurting them anyway. So a lot of thinking, and remembering, had been in order. And he had been right...thinking was bad. Not thinking was bliss.

"......she's really cute. Not like Sada, but...she is."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei went completely still, and then his hands started moving again, long slow strokes up and down Shinji's arms, on his back. He didn't know what to say, didn't want to say anything for fear of breaking whatever spell it was that had Shinji talking again and thinking about this, like Kippei had wanted him to so badly. He murmured something reassuring and held Shinji closer, wanting to hear more but not wanting to ask.

"Yeah, she is," he agreed softly at last, when Shinji didn't speak again.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji frowned, not knowing what to say but that was half the problem with this; he never knew what to say and then hadn't said anything and then, forgot completely that he was supposed to be saying something...But he couldn't forget when Kippei didn't want him to. He had to remember and talk and do the right thing.

"I...she...you knew about the shirt. That's why you were upset that day you came home."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei drew his breath in sharply, not having expected that, surprised that Shinji had put that together, but obviously he had been doing a lot of thinking here the last few days.

"I...yeah," he admitted when he could breathe again. "I knew about it." He wanted to say more, but he wasn't sure he could and he didn't know exactly what was going on here, what conclusions Shinji had come to with all his thinking, so he just waited.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"I...mmm." He went quiet again and tried to think. He wanted to show Kippei, but he couldn't; could never admit he had kept both shirts and that the proof had been there all along. He just hadn't seen it. But that was past and now he had to accept that some things were real. Like little sisters.

"...Someone should have told me. Even if I got mad, or...whatever. They should have. Its annoying that they didn't, like they all knew this thing the whole time and I was just...ignorant. I must have said so many things without even knowing, and it would have hurt them, and they never said anything."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei lifted his chin, tilted his head up and kissed him gently on the mouth. "You didn't know. They knew you didn't know. Yeah, they should have told you, but you can't beat yourself up for not knowing. They didn't know how, or what to say. They didn't want to hurt you, either." He paused, trying to put what he was feeling into words, something that he didn't think Shinji was going to like, but needing to say it anyway.

"It's their choice," he said softly. "If they'd rather let you hurt them, than hurt you by telling you, that's their choice. And you have to let them."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

That made sense, and Shinji after all wanted the same thing; to hurt himself before he hurt the people he loved, but...

"But that just hurts everyone more..." The pain of knowing what he did, combined with the pain of knowing they all hid it and tried to make it seem like he was a good person and had done a good thing...it made him sick.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei studied him silently for a minute. "You know," he muttered. "We keep doing this." He sighed, feeling Shinji's weight rise and fall on his chest; a familiar, comfortable weight. "It's not that it hurts more. It's just different. No matter which way, it's still going to hurt. Sometimes you can't change that. It's not your fault, Shin," Kippei insisted, seeing the changing expressions on his face. Shinji was convinced that he'd done a terrible thing. This only made it worse. Kippei wasn't sure that he could be made to see differently, any more than Kippei himself could see that he was allowed to make mistakes.

"We're quite a pair, aren't we?" he murmured wryly, and fell silent, absorbing himself in running his fingers through Shinji's hair.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Mmm....but it works. We work." He closed his eyes and just enjoyed the feeling of fingers in his hair, letting them soothe and giving in to the decision he had already made. He'd made it, sitting in their closet staring at two bloody shirts and the little bloody handprints on them. Two sisters and he had bloodied both their memories. He had to make it right.

"I'll see her. I mean...properly. Without...I won't panic. I'll talk to her and stuff. We can have her over to dinner or something."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei closed his eyes, allowing himself a small breath of relief. He hadn't really quite been sure, yet, that they could do this, that Shinji could do this, could get to the point where he could even talk to his sister, without the panic and the screaming and the fear. Whatever thinking Shinji had been doing, Kippei was deeply grateful for the results.

"You can do it," he said, soft and sure. "You'll do just fine." He kissed Shinji again, for thank you and I'm proud of you and I love you so, so much.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

The kiss soothed the feeling of unrest in Shinji and he exhaled slowly, not even aware he had been holding his breath. He didn't like the idea, but he would do it, and it would be right and nothing horrible would happen and then he would be worth that kiss that said I'm proud of you. He smiled at the thought and kissed back, saying I love you too and I promise and...nearly, almost, I'll try harder, but Kippei never liked it when he said that so he didn't. Not with a kiss, because Kippei liked kisses and Shinji never wanted him to not like them.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei could tell that Shinji still didn't like the idea, didn't want to do it, but he was willing to try, anyway. He was going to. Kippei knew it was going to be hard for him, but he intended to be right beside Shinji every step of the way.

"It'll be okay," he said again. "I'll be there. You want to have dinner, then? Invite them all here?" That would be good, Kippei thought. They could all come together--Ashi and Sada and their dad, and it would really, really be okay. But maybe that was a little too much all at once, for Shinji. "Or just her?" Either way, Kippei was just relieved that he'd been thinking about it, that he was trying, that he wanted to. Whether he actually managed it or not, Kippei was still damn proud of him.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Just her," Shinji damn near squeaked, immediately terrified of the idea of trying to deal with Sada and his dad and Ashi all together, like a family. Like that was normal and he hadn't done anything wrong.

Kippei's voice had the same effect on him as always though, soothing and calming and so exactly what he wanted and needed.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Mhmmm," Kippei agreed, apologizing with his fingers in Shinji's hair, running another hand down his spine and soothing him like a cat with its back up. "Okay. Just her." For now, though he wanted to have everybody sometime, but of course, that was going to be a little much all at once. One thing at a time, he reminded himself, kissing the top of Shinji's head.

"Good for you. You'll make her very happy. And me," he added, because he wasn't sure Shinji believed the first part, or whether he cared if he did.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji couldn't really care about whether or not it made his little sister happy, though he was glad it would. Better was that it would make Kippei happy. Not just happy; very happy. He smiled and snuggled in close against Kippei, delighted by the sun and being close to Kippei and knowing he was finally doing something right.

"Stay here with me til the sun goes down?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei thought this was a rather obvious question, but okay, whatever. He wrapped Shinji up close and sighed, a deep, happy sigh of relief and contentment and enjoying this feeling, of being together, of Shinji in his arms and holding on as if Kippei was his anchor in a storm.

"Til then and after," he said in a slow, comfortable drawl, kissing Shinji's hair again, starting to feel a bit drowsy in the sun and warmth and Shinji. Until forever, of course.