xp: kippei and shinji

[shattermelt]

That was Shinji. That hurt.

Kippei stumbled a bit and froze, wanting to run and help Shinji right now, but he didn't know where he was. He shouldn't have left him alone, stupid, stupid, he should have known better. He'd come out to play basketball for a little while, by himself because he couldn't be bothered rounding up random people for a game, and also because he hadn't wanted to take the time for a proper one.

Apparently, even this was too much. Stupid. He cursed himself again as he looked around, moving off the basketball court because at least he knew Shinji wasn't here. He must be fairly close, he thought, if it had been that strong. Taking Kii out, maybe, since Kippei hadn't been there to do it. He immediately felt guilty, worry creasing his face as he kept going, making a circle around the grounds, looking for Shinji.

He spent a good fifteen minutes covering all the areas outside the main building where he thought Shinji might have been, but there was no sign of him. Fucking stupid, he should know where Shinji was, hell, he should have been with him. Whatever had happened, it was all his fault. Shinji had been resting and Kippei had been wanting to play some basketball ever since that Ryuhana idiot had made a post suggesting it, and by himself was better than nothing, but not at this kind of price. He was really worried now. What if Shinji was lying hurt somewhere or passed out or... his brain could think of too many disasters.

Finally he gave up, heading back to their room in the faint hope that Shinji might have managed to drag himself back there from wherever he'd been. To his surprise and immense relief, Shinji was actually there, and yes, passed out cold, or at least sleeping. Jesus. Kippei crossed the room in two seconds flat, dropping to his knees beside the bed and touching Shinji's arm, taking his wrist to check his pulse.

"Shinji?" he whispered, not wanting to think at him because he must have a hell of a headache. "What happened, Shin?" He wasn't really expecting an answer.

Comments

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Nagging. Shinji winced, shifting in his sleep to try and escape the stabbing pain in his head but it followed him where he moved and he realised, somewhere in the back of his mind, that it was because it was in his head. But there was something outside his head too, but he had to listen, and it was loud even though it was soft and he didn't want to listen to anything. Frowning darkly, Shinji woke groggily and immediately wished he hadn't, but he had becaues some small part of him had recognised Kippei.

"...'Pei?" He barely got out the choked whisper before he doubled over, and puked over the side of the bed.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Whoa, fuck. That was worse, even than he'd thought. Kippei dodged but not in time, handicapped by the fact that his first instinct had been to catch Shinji when he fell forward.

"Shinji?" he asked again, insistent and a bit panicked now, wondering what the hell he'd missed. He knew Shinji was in no shape to tell him, but he couldn't help asking. "Never mind. God. Take it easy, okay, lay down..." he pushed Shinji back down on the pillows and went to the bathroom to get him a drink to rinse his mouth, stripping off his messy shirt on the way. He'd have to change his jeans later too, but most of it was on the shirt. He balled it up and tossed it in a corner of the bathroom, and grabbed the glass to take back to Shinji.

Fucking. stupid. bastard. He should never have left, he knew it. He handed Shinji the glass with a worried frown, helping him sit up a bit to drink it.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Dont drop the glass... Shinji held it in a shaking hand and frowned, concentrating hard on just getting the glass to line up with his mouth and thank god, clean water, get rid of that taste. Kippei was asking things but they just weren't processing in Shinji's head. He was barely aware Kippei had said anything, pushed back down into the pillows and fed a glass of water. It was a weird way to wake up, all in all.

"'Pei?" He clenched his eyes shut, the wobbly vision making him feel sea sick and the light only making his headache worse.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Shhh, I'm here. Don't talk." Kippei wanted fiercely to know what had happened, but Shinji was too sick and he didn't want him trying to explain right now. He watched carefully, noting the shaking of Shinji's hand as he drank, and felt again the abject helplessness that had been killing him ever since Shinji had come back from the quiet room. There was nothing he could do about any of this, nothing at all.

He set the glass on the floor when Shinji was finished with it, and went to find a clean pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Then he settled carefully onto the bed beside Shinji, wanting to be closer but afraid to disturb him too much. God, he looked like hell. He took Shinji's hand and held it silently, sitting on the edge of the bed and resting his elbows on his knees. He hated this whole situation so. fucking. much.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

That was good. Shinji just sat for a while, waiting for the pain to ebb off a little. It took a lot longer than usual. He became aware, after a while, that his hand was in Kippei's, limp like a fish. He slowly looked sideways, letting his eyes slide open enough to look at it. It didn't feel like his hand, as if it were not part of him at all. Odd. The more awake he got, the more aware he became of how shit he felt.

"Kippei...I'm gonna be sick again."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei's head shot up in alarm, and for a split second he was torn between getting out of range and reaching out to help him make it to the bathroom or something. He doubted Shinji would make it.

"Awww, Shin," he groaned, more because Shinji was miserable and it was awful seeing him like this than because it bothered him that Shinji had been sick on him and was about to do it again. As a compromise he lunged for the wastebasket in the corner, holding it by the edge of the bed and reaching to hold Shinji's hair back for him. "I'm sorry," he muttered helplessly, though for what he couldn't say exactly.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

It was funny somehow, throwing up in a bin while Kippei held his hair and Shinji started chuckling a little once his stomach was empty and he was just dry wretching. But the laughter gave way to tears and he couldn't even hide it. He was hurting Kippei, and everything felt weird and his head hurt and nothing was how it was supposed to be. Kippei, of all things, was saying sorry.

"You didn't do anything!"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Shhh," Kippei told him again, stroking his hair as he set the bin down and reached for the glass of water again; it was still half full. Shinji had tears in his eyes, and Kippei gently wiped them away with the back of one finger.

"You're pretty when you cry," he said with a crooked smile, trying for teasing because maybe it would hurt less that way.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"No one's pretty when they cry," Shinji argued feebly, guzzling the water then wondering if it were a bad idea when his stomach jumped a little. "People just look stupid when they cry," he noted miserably, feeling very stupid indeed. He sat for the longest time, letting his mouth get over the burning sensation and his stomach settle, but the headache didn't fade any. Eventually he moved, slowly as all hell, to lie in Kippei's lap, curling up and wondering if he was dying. This was what dying must feel like, surely; this bad. It couldnd't get worse, surely.

"This sucks."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"You're pretty when you do anything," Kippei told him gently, and he was, but that didn't mean it didn't still tear his heart out to see Shinji so miserable. "You never look stupid."

He wrapped his arms around Shinji when he moved, shifting to get more comfortable and trying to curl up around him, but moving probably wasn't going to make Shinji feel any better, so he just rested one hand on Shinji's hip, and kept stroking his hair with the other. "Yeah, it does," he answered quietly. It sucked a hell of a lot.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Pretty? That was kind of embarassing. Shinji wanted to be sexy or hot, or something. Wasn't pretty for girls? Maybe not, since Kippei had said it. The hand stroking his hair felt nice...relaxing, soothing, and the hand on his hip was reassurring. Shinji let his eyes slide shut again, and was blissfully thankful Kippei was keeping all thinking to a minimum.

"Kippei...can you take us to the quiet room?" He could get better there and he knew it. At least, he could improve without the constant onslaught of thought from everyone. But he was too scared shitless to go alone, and couldn't get there by himself anyway.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei froze, a stab of sheer terror spiking in his gut, guilt and anger hard on it's heels. God no, he didn't want to do that. "Shinji..." he protested, torn, but he didn't know how to explain. Please, no, anything but that. But Shinji needed the peace and quiet, and no way was he going to make it if Kippei tried to take him far enough away for it not to matter.

The idea of Shinji going right back where they had done this to him was enough to turn his stomach sick with fear, and it made him blindingly angry as well that in spite of everything, Shinji still thought he needed it and maybe he was right. Kippei hated the thought that something which could do this to him could help him. And Kippei couldn't.

"I'm staying with you this time," he told Shinji grimly. No way in fucking hell did he agree to this without that.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Said...Us," Shinji murmered, wincing at the sudden onslaught of thought from Kippei. He frowned, not liking the fear he sense in Kippei. Kippei was terrified.

"It didn't do it to me," Shinji reminded him wearily. "I did it to myself."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Because you were there," Kippei retorted, trying not to lose control of his anger because the last thing he wanted was for it to get directed at Shinji even in passing. But jesus, he was frustrated and angry and hurt and this was not cool at all. "Because they asked you to. Because my fucking sister destroyed it in the first place." And whoa, where had that come from?

He blinked, and looked away, still frowning in angry confusion. Why should he feel guilty for something someone else did? "You're scared too," he muttered finally, his hand still restlessly moving on Shinji's hair as much to comfort himself as Shinji.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Huh? Kippei wasn't seriously blaming himself for his sister destroying the quiet room? Or for what Shinji had done? ...damn. Shinji struggled to sit upright, wrapping his arms as tight as he could manage around Kippei's neck and nuzzling against his throat before whispering in his ear.

"I believe in you, stop doubting." Because Kippei was right; he was scared and if Kippei was terrified too they had no hope.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"It's not that," Kippei growled, and it wasn't, exactly, but it kind of was. "I can't keep you safe," he said, frustrated, leaning down to curl himself further around Shinji, resting his cheek against Shinji's hair. Believe. Believe what?

"I couldn't keep you safe," he whispered, and it tasted like ashes. He was terrified of living in a world where anything could happen to Shinji and he couldn't stop it. That was his job. How could he trust himself if he couldnt' even do that?

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

God, Shinji couldn't think straight enough to think of what to say or do or anything! He just clung to Kippei and his fingers stroked the back of Kippei's neck, trying to soothe. The world wasn't safe, that was just...life. Kippei shouldn't blame himself for that.

"You keep my soul safe."

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

Kippei almost bit through his tongue trying not say something, and blanked his own head completely so he didn't even think it. It wasn't true, no matter how frustrated he was. That would have to be good enough.

He took a deep breath, calming himself, trying to remember that this wasn't helping Shinji either. The words did make him feel slightly better, but he still felt shaken and worried and he didn't want to let Shinji out of his sight for one second.

"Okay," he said finally. "Okay. Let's go." But he didn't move for a minute, just holding Shinji tightly against him and breathing deep and slow.