oob: random thoughts
Apr. 20th, 2006 03:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shattermeltJust some random things about the latest log at oob, since it was rather long and there was rather a lot in it and not everything got resolved or even brought up.
Kippei feels somehow responsible for Ashi, and identifies with her in some odd ways... almost as if she were more his sister than Shinji's. Or rather, that between the two Ibu sisters, Sada is Shinji's and Ashi is his. Like most of his feelings, it's rather irrational. He thinks that both she and Shinji need their relationship reestablished, but he knows better than perhaps anyone else how difficult it will be, especially for Shinji, and he feels a bit guilty for making it happen, even though he's still convinced that it's the right thing.
The shirt she found is really bothering him. He wants to know, he wants to ask Shinji if he saved it and why. He doesn't want to ask, because he thinks not only will Shinji be upset about the shirt itself, but by the fact that Ashi was into his things enough to find it. Slightly, but inconsequently, he also doesn't want Shinji to be mad at him about giving her permission to wear things, although he's willing to take that since he knows it wasn't his right to tell her.
The question about whether he loved her was about him wondering how Shinji and Ashi actually feel about each other after all this time. He's fairly convinced that they both still love each other, which was something else he wanted to confirm and one of the reasons he went to talk to Ashi in the first place. He asked Shinji because he was less sure about Shinji's feelings, after he spent so many years trying to blame her for it. He was pretty sure that Shinji never really thought it was her fault, but he wasn't absolutely sure, and in any case he wanted Shinji to think about it. Whether he still loved her, what he actually wanted. He can't figure out how to convince Shinji that not only does Ashi still adore him like she did, but that she understands why Shinji blamed her.
This tag is Shinji echoing his thoughts about Mori, his feeling that he should still be to blame for all of that. It bothers him less than it used to, after the big fight/dicussion the three of them had about it all back in October/November, but he's probably always going to carry some residual guilt about it. What Shinji said pretty much directly echoed the things he felt.
The tag after that where Shinji is apologizing, saying he never should have said that but he meant it when he did, confused the hell out of him because he wasn't sure what Shinji was referring to. He was afraid Shinji meant something he said to Kippei, and I'm not sure exactly what that was, but whatever it was made him really afraid for a minute there. Thus the relief when Shinji turned out to be talking about Ashi still. (Classic case of separate trains of thought colliding--Kippei assumed one thing because his thoughts went in a different direction while Shinji was still on the same topic XD)
That same tag had several other things in it that he either didn't say or didn't want to think about. Recopied here for reference:
Kippei was for some reason vastly relieved. He decided not to examine why too closely at the moment.
Again, don't know exactly what this was about. Probably have to go back and reread some old logs and try to find it. Something that Shinji said to him or about him, or to or about Mori that Kippei is afraid he actually meant at the time, even though Shinji apologized and regrets having said it.
"Never," he said firmly, kissing Shinji soundly on the mouth. "I could never hate you. Ever." He was distantly surprised to realize how absolutely true that was. And wow, there were some more things he was so not thinking about right now.
This.... gets into more issues about Mori, ones that have never been brought up or dealt with. Shinji is different, the way Kippei feels about him has always been different than anyone else. Mori was an accident, something that Kippei sees as a mistake and a bad judgement call on his part. He was a substitute, something to focus on to keep from thinking about other things, like the way he felt like a bit of an outsider in Shinji and Akira's relationship, and the fear that Shinji was never going to be his the way he wanted.
Kippei's feelings for Mori, while honest at the time insofar as they went, were never as deep or as real as he feels they should have been or as he tried to make them. It was a kind of forced concentration, putting effort into a relationship with Mori that he didn't feel he could give to Shinji even though he wanted to. He thinks that his feelings for Mori were at heart a very selfish thing on his part. He wanted someone he could own, someone that was just his, and Mori wanted that. But Mori was a substitute, and somewhere in the back of his mind where he's usually too angry to acknowledge it, Kippei feels like Mori might have been justified in being angry at him--but Mori never blamed him for it; he blamed Shinji. So Kippei feels justified in his own anger with Mori for blaming the wrong person, especially as that blame turned out to have such severe consequences.
That he did care about Mori once and hates him now bothers him a bit, because it feels inconsistent, and he would like to believe that he never really cared about him at all, but he knows that isn't true. He has trouble reconciling the two things, though, and has in the past tried to convince himself that he never loved Mori at all, partly because he doesn't want to think that he could hate somebody he once loved. He especially doesn't want Shinji to think that Kippei could ever hate him, and he is afraid that Shinji would assume that he could if he knew the details of Kippei's conflict about Mori. The fact that the way he loves Shinji is way beyond love and different than the way he felt about Mori in very key ways, is something that he can't explain or put into words, especially to Shinji himself. He'd like to try, but he's afraid to bring it up at all because he'd rather Shinji just wasn't thinking about it.
"I love dealing with your crap," he told Shinji, looking him intently in the eye to make sure he got it. "It's yours, it's you, it's who you are. I love everything about you. I'm not putting up with anything. I that you means everything for always, I want to be there. I want to," he repeated with emphasis. The less time Shinji spent thinking this was any kind of sacrifice or hardship on his part, the better.
This is all absolute truth. Shinji and all his issues, all the dark and light and broken pieces and strengths and weaknesses are part of a whole, something beautiful, and Kippei wouldn't change a thing about him because he wouldn't be Shinji anymore. He loves the fact that Shinji needs him, that Shinji wants him to be there, that whether Shinji is happy or sad or giving him hell he's still Shinji and Kippei doesn't want to miss a thing. He wants all of it, the good things and the bad things.
And that's all for now. XD
Edit: talan: hmm and now that I think about it... Mori was Inanna. heh
lethanon: o.o?
talan: this is a trend. Kippei has feelings built up inside of him that he wants to give to Shinji, but for one reason or another, feels like he can't. so he finds someone else to be a focus for them. he's done it in every single game so far I think. Inanna might have been the most healthy of them. XD;
lethanon: XD
lethanon: xp?
talan: oh, no. not xp, forgot about that. lol
lethanon: XD
talan: but the others--Mori twice, Ina once and Fuji.
lethanon: XD
lethanon: sooo true
talan: well. in xp kind of--it was before he met Shinji, so he didn't know exactly who was meant to be his focus, but he did try to do that with Dai
lethanon: omg its true! LOL
talan: yeah XD
lethanon: heee Kippei is just adorable lol
talan: the backstory log with Fuji is posted, btw, and you can see it there--the focus. he's carefully not thinking about anything but Syusuke, because he makes a point of not comparing them. he knows that no one else will ever measure up to Shinji for him, so he doesn't try.
He was a little smarter about it with Fuji--he wasn't fooling himself the way he did with Mori. At least, not as much. He still feels guilty about it, for the same reasons. But he's more aware of what he's doing and why, and he's not trying to put Fuji into a place that he knows he can't fill. He knows that would be unfair, which is one reason why he's hurt when Fuji breaks it off, because he was trying to be fair and feels like he failed. Thus, the decision to not date at all. ;D
Kippei feels somehow responsible for Ashi, and identifies with her in some odd ways... almost as if she were more his sister than Shinji's. Or rather, that between the two Ibu sisters, Sada is Shinji's and Ashi is his. Like most of his feelings, it's rather irrational. He thinks that both she and Shinji need their relationship reestablished, but he knows better than perhaps anyone else how difficult it will be, especially for Shinji, and he feels a bit guilty for making it happen, even though he's still convinced that it's the right thing.
The shirt she found is really bothering him. He wants to know, he wants to ask Shinji if he saved it and why. He doesn't want to ask, because he thinks not only will Shinji be upset about the shirt itself, but by the fact that Ashi was into his things enough to find it. Slightly, but inconsequently, he also doesn't want Shinji to be mad at him about giving her permission to wear things, although he's willing to take that since he knows it wasn't his right to tell her.
The question about whether he loved her was about him wondering how Shinji and Ashi actually feel about each other after all this time. He's fairly convinced that they both still love each other, which was something else he wanted to confirm and one of the reasons he went to talk to Ashi in the first place. He asked Shinji because he was less sure about Shinji's feelings, after he spent so many years trying to blame her for it. He was pretty sure that Shinji never really thought it was her fault, but he wasn't absolutely sure, and in any case he wanted Shinji to think about it. Whether he still loved her, what he actually wanted. He can't figure out how to convince Shinji that not only does Ashi still adore him like she did, but that she understands why Shinji blamed her.
This tag is Shinji echoing his thoughts about Mori, his feeling that he should still be to blame for all of that. It bothers him less than it used to, after the big fight/dicussion the three of them had about it all back in October/November, but he's probably always going to carry some residual guilt about it. What Shinji said pretty much directly echoed the things he felt.
The tag after that where Shinji is apologizing, saying he never should have said that but he meant it when he did, confused the hell out of him because he wasn't sure what Shinji was referring to. He was afraid Shinji meant something he said to Kippei, and I'm not sure exactly what that was, but whatever it was made him really afraid for a minute there. Thus the relief when Shinji turned out to be talking about Ashi still. (Classic case of separate trains of thought colliding--Kippei assumed one thing because his thoughts went in a different direction while Shinji was still on the same topic XD)
That same tag had several other things in it that he either didn't say or didn't want to think about. Recopied here for reference:
Kippei was for some reason vastly relieved. He decided not to examine why too closely at the moment.
Again, don't know exactly what this was about. Probably have to go back and reread some old logs and try to find it. Something that Shinji said to him or about him, or to or about Mori that Kippei is afraid he actually meant at the time, even though Shinji apologized and regrets having said it.
"Never," he said firmly, kissing Shinji soundly on the mouth. "I could never hate you. Ever." He was distantly surprised to realize how absolutely true that was. And wow, there were some more things he was so not thinking about right now.
This.... gets into more issues about Mori, ones that have never been brought up or dealt with. Shinji is different, the way Kippei feels about him has always been different than anyone else. Mori was an accident, something that Kippei sees as a mistake and a bad judgement call on his part. He was a substitute, something to focus on to keep from thinking about other things, like the way he felt like a bit of an outsider in Shinji and Akira's relationship, and the fear that Shinji was never going to be his the way he wanted.
Kippei's feelings for Mori, while honest at the time insofar as they went, were never as deep or as real as he feels they should have been or as he tried to make them. It was a kind of forced concentration, putting effort into a relationship with Mori that he didn't feel he could give to Shinji even though he wanted to. He thinks that his feelings for Mori were at heart a very selfish thing on his part. He wanted someone he could own, someone that was just his, and Mori wanted that. But Mori was a substitute, and somewhere in the back of his mind where he's usually too angry to acknowledge it, Kippei feels like Mori might have been justified in being angry at him--but Mori never blamed him for it; he blamed Shinji. So Kippei feels justified in his own anger with Mori for blaming the wrong person, especially as that blame turned out to have such severe consequences.
That he did care about Mori once and hates him now bothers him a bit, because it feels inconsistent, and he would like to believe that he never really cared about him at all, but he knows that isn't true. He has trouble reconciling the two things, though, and has in the past tried to convince himself that he never loved Mori at all, partly because he doesn't want to think that he could hate somebody he once loved. He especially doesn't want Shinji to think that Kippei could ever hate him, and he is afraid that Shinji would assume that he could if he knew the details of Kippei's conflict about Mori. The fact that the way he loves Shinji is way beyond love and different than the way he felt about Mori in very key ways, is something that he can't explain or put into words, especially to Shinji himself. He'd like to try, but he's afraid to bring it up at all because he'd rather Shinji just wasn't thinking about it.
"I love dealing with your crap," he told Shinji, looking him intently in the eye to make sure he got it. "It's yours, it's you, it's who you are. I love everything about you. I'm not putting up with anything. I that you means everything for always, I want to be there. I want to," he repeated with emphasis. The less time Shinji spent thinking this was any kind of sacrifice or hardship on his part, the better.
This is all absolute truth. Shinji and all his issues, all the dark and light and broken pieces and strengths and weaknesses are part of a whole, something beautiful, and Kippei wouldn't change a thing about him because he wouldn't be Shinji anymore. He loves the fact that Shinji needs him, that Shinji wants him to be there, that whether Shinji is happy or sad or giving him hell he's still Shinji and Kippei doesn't want to miss a thing. He wants all of it, the good things and the bad things.
And that's all for now. XD
Edit: talan: hmm and now that I think about it... Mori was Inanna. heh
lethanon: o.o?
talan: this is a trend. Kippei has feelings built up inside of him that he wants to give to Shinji, but for one reason or another, feels like he can't. so he finds someone else to be a focus for them. he's done it in every single game so far I think. Inanna might have been the most healthy of them. XD;
lethanon: XD
lethanon: xp?
talan: oh, no. not xp, forgot about that. lol
lethanon: XD
talan: but the others--Mori twice, Ina once and Fuji.
lethanon: XD
lethanon: sooo true
talan: well. in xp kind of--it was before he met Shinji, so he didn't know exactly who was meant to be his focus, but he did try to do that with Dai
lethanon: omg its true! LOL
talan: yeah XD
lethanon: heee Kippei is just adorable lol
talan: the backstory log with Fuji is posted, btw, and you can see it there--the focus. he's carefully not thinking about anything but Syusuke, because he makes a point of not comparing them. he knows that no one else will ever measure up to Shinji for him, so he doesn't try.
He was a little smarter about it with Fuji--he wasn't fooling himself the way he did with Mori. At least, not as much. He still feels guilty about it, for the same reasons. But he's more aware of what he's doing and why, and he's not trying to put Fuji into a place that he knows he can't fill. He knows that would be unfair, which is one reason why he's hurt when Fuji breaks it off, because he was trying to be fair and feels like he failed. Thus, the decision to not date at all. ;D
