oob log: kippei and akira

[shattermelt]

It felt good to be able to run regularly again. Akira's usual routine had gotten so disrupted by everything that had been happening lately that he'd been worried about getting too out of shape. Shinji would probably have laughed at him for such a thought, but he had them all the same. Not that it mattered. His muscles were humming pleasantly from the exertion, and all he wanted now was a shower and maybe a sandwhich.

And, of course, to relax and spend the rest of his day with his boyfriends. Maybe, if he was lucky, one of them had been bored enough to do the dishes for him. He smiled to himself, toeing off his sneakers as he walked through the front door. And maybe Jason the turtle would come back from the dead and do a little dance on Shinji's head.

Stretching his arms over his head as he walked through the house, he called, "Hey! I'm home!" No one answered, and he paused, peeking into the kitchen. There were dishes piled in soapy water in the sink, abandoned. Grimacing, he ran a hand through his sweaty hair and walked on. "Shinji? 'Pei?" The cat ran through his legs, causing him to stumble back and curse softly.

Scratching the back of his head, he started up the stairs. "Well, don't everyone greet me all at once", he groused to himself, heading for the bedroom.

Kippei raised his head when he heard Akira downstairs, blinking sleepily. It had taken him a long time, but he had finally drowsed off a bit, not really sleeping. Shinji was still asleep. Good. Kippei opened his mouth to call out to Akira, and then thought better of it. It sounded like he was on his way up, anyway.

Kippei rolled over and stretched a bit--he'd been laying in one position for too long, and his muscles were getting stiff. He sat up then, hugging his knees, and looked down at Shinji's sleeping face, just peeking out of the blankets he'd nearly smothered himself in. He didn't want to wake up. Kippei wasn't sure what hurt more, the fact that he and Akira weren't enough to make Shinji want to stay, or the knowledge that he was hurting Shinji by asking him to. But how was he supposed to let him go?

He looked up when Akira walked in, giving him a crooked smile and raising a finger to his lips to tell him to be quiet.

Comments

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei had no argument with that. He would much rather have had Akira there too. He'd been thinking if he ever did say anything that Akira should be there, and this hadn't been the plan at all, insofar as he'd had one.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I wish you would have been there, too."

[daredtygrz.livejournal.com]

"Damn it", Akira growled into his hands, a wave of bitter anger slapping at him. "Damn it. What was I supposed to do?" He asked no one, taking his frustrations and pains out on himself, his voice harsh.

"They told me...I promised never to say a word. Not a word. Like it was easy! Always letting Shin tell me memories from our childhood because I couldn't risk telling him anything...what if I slipped and mentioned her? Making sure our friends and other people didn't accidently talk about her, or his mom. Lying to him and to you, because no one knew if we should tell you or not..." Akira's hands fisted in his hair and pulled.

"It's not just about Shinji...this affects everyone. We all should have been with him..." He couldn't continue, choked up as he was.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei sighed, and laid back again, covering his eyes. He was so incredibly tired. "I know," he said simply. Yes, he knew, he'd fucked it up and it was all his fault and he knew that. He didn't really belong here at all. It was their history, their family, and he hadn't been there. He never should have been the one to tell Shinji at all. But god, what was he supposed to do either? He couldn't help but want to fix things, he hated knowing that things were wrong when they could be fixed so easily. So easily, but it had turned out to be so hard.

"What do you want?" he asked in frustration, looking over at Akira. "I fucked up, and I know it. I'm sorry. You want to hit me, yell at me? You want me to leave? What?"

[daredtygrz.livejournal.com]

It took a moment for any of that to sink in. Akira wasn't even sure who he was pissed off at...maybe it was the old anger. All of the old frustration at having to tiptoe around things, and lie, and spend so much of his time worrying about everyone that it had just become second nature to him.

And Kippei was doing it again. Taking everything onto himself, trying to fix everything and everyone...blaming himself when it all blew up in their faces.

Akira scrubbed his face hard, staring at the floor between his feet for a few heartbeats. Oh, his arm was itching to throw something, and his temper was still formidable.

But oddly, it was like some sort of weight had been released from his shoulders, only to be replaced by an even heavier one. If Shinji knew about Ashi now, there wasn't any going back. They'd have to finish it. And if it ended badly...he shut his eyes at the thought of Shinji turning his back on him, feeling betrayed for all the lies Akira had told over the years. That all of them had told. He swallowed heavily and stood.

He felt Kippei's eyes on him as he moved, but with his hair over his eyes, and his eyes trained on the floor beneath his feet, he knew the other couldn't see his. He stopped at the bed, both hands slowly reaching out to curl fingers around Kippei's shirt.

"Dork", he said softly, a very real and painful pang slicing through his chest, "I want what I've always wanted. I want to go back. I want to go back and...fix everything myself." He pulled the older man closer. "I don't want to hit you, or yell at you. I don't want you to leave. Don't be stupid."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei bit his lip, and he didn't know if he wanted to cry or scream or throw things, but he wasn't angry at Akira and Akira wasn't angry with him. It all just hurt. He latched onto Akira forearms, his big hands nearly closing completely around them, and pulled Akira down beside him on the bed. "I don't want to leave," he said quietly, because more than anything he didn't want to leave.

He tucked Akira in against him, curling up around him with arms and legs intertwined, pressing his face against Akira's hair. "I should have been there," he whispered, admitting something he hadn't even said to Shinji, the guilt of being so far behind everyone else's experience. "I should have been there all this time."