xp log: kippei and shinji

[shattermelt]

Kippei sighed as they arrived back at the school and had to go in, grimacing a little because it felt more like a cave than the natural one they'd left behind. They'd been out there a long time, far longer than they'd stayed before, and Shinji wasn't blue anymore and they'd painted all over the cave wall and everyone was probably wondering where they were--or where Shinji was, anyway. Kippei didn't really think anyone would miss him. But all good things came to an end, or some shit like that; anyway, Shinji was happy so Kippei couldn't really complain. He smiled faintly when they reached their room and found it exactly as they'd left it.

"Welcome home," he told Shinji, a little wryly.

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[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji blinked because while he had known he could kiss other people he had never actually wanted to. So he laughed a little and nodded, kissing Kippei's cheek, delighted.

"Just us. Only you."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei nodded, satisfied. "That's good, then." He had no idea how one could be sure that a stick figure represented anyone in particular, but as long as Shinji knew, that was all that mattered.

He turned over a couple more pages, wondering if there was writing further on. The pictures and comics were incredibly cute, but he was a lot more curious about what Shinji might have written down as 'Things To Know', or whatever, about himself and Kippei and life in general.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

The comics did contain more writing as they went on until the pictures were phased out and replaced with pages of Shinji-esque monologues, generally all on the one same topic; the only topic that mattered. There was what Kippei looked like when he was feeling good, or bad, or sad, or scared, and so on and there was the fact Kii was a little in love with them and where he liked to sleep the most.

"Mmm...the next page is embarassing!" He said, slamming a hand down. The last thing he wanted to show Kippei was how Shinji had explained sex to himself.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei was a little overwhelmed by all the detail, rather obsessive detail, and while he was glad to know that Shinji was just as obsessed with him as he was with Shinji, it was still rather overwhelming to have it written out in detail.

"Embarrassing?" he asked, raising an eyebrow, unsure as to how something could be more embarrassing than pages and pages of lovingly rambled detail about every little thing Kippei did. "I want to see it. I promise not to laugh." He tugged at the page, trying to turn it over anyway.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji couldn't say 'no'. Not to Kippei. He whimpered softly and let go of the page, ducking behind Kippei so he didn't have to see him laugh, even if he would still hear it.

"Please don't laugh at me!"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Hey, I said I wouldn't," Kippei protested, a little injured that he was not believed. He would probably end up smiling and amused, but he wouldn't laugh. Even if he really wanted to. He turned the page and smoothed it out, reading intently through the scrawled explanation of...sex?

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji peeked around Kippei when he wasn't laughed at, curious. Kippei was just...reading. Tentatively, Shinji sat back up, but ignored the book, just watching Kippei.

"I need to know it's good, sooner next time, so you don't have to wait so long and get scared."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei nodded, a little bemused, wondering why Shinji was so convinced that hearing it from himself, so to speak, was going to make a difference. He'd told Shinji half this stuff himself. But oh well. He flipped slowly through the rest of the book, stopping here and there and blinking in surprise when he came to one page that was nothing but a huge, bold warning... about tying him up. With little sad faces all over. He paused for a moment, staring at it, feeling horribly guilty and bad all over again.

"M'sorry about that," he mumbled.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Mmmummm," Shinji shook his head wildly. "It wasn't your fault, it was my fault, I didn't know you didn't like it and I should have known, but it's okay because I know now and now any other Shinji's will know too." He smiled and stroked Kippei's bottom lip, back and forth like a feather. "I'm sorry I tied you up."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Mmmm," Kippei answered, unconvinced, and no matter whose fault it was he still felt bad for scaring Shinji like that. "I'm really sorry I yelled at you. I just kind of... lost it." And said things he didn't mean, and that was worse--saying things that weren't true to Shinji. "I'm really sorry," he murmured again.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji couldn't deny it had been scary; he had never been that scared, not even when he woke up and didn't know anything. He nibbled on his lip and looked at Kippei carefully, reaching up to turn his chin so he was looking back at him and not at the book.

"You're all I have. You're the only family I have. If you're angry at me, it's like the whole world is shaking, but when you're happy and you love me, it's like the sun's out and bright and everything's perfect. So...yeah, it's scary, when you yell. It's like an earthquake." He smirked a little, proudly. "Almost literally."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei eyed him, unable to remember if there had been a literal earthquake that time. "Was there?" he murmured, disturbed. He supposed Shinji didn't quite mean it that way, but it was an unsettling idea all the same. It was the same way he felt when Shinji was upset or missing or...gone, somehow. It wasn't a good feeling at all.

"I won't yell at you again," he promised. Because it had been a whole lot scarier when Shinji had freaked out and refused to look at him or talk to him.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"No, not really, but it was you, so there could have been." He grinned, incredibly impressed by Kippei's powers. He thought of Kippei as just about the coolest mutant out there and no one was ever going to convince him otherwise.

"Even if I do something bad?" He asked in a deliberately husky voice with his face conveniently blank and innocent.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei rolled his eyes. Sneaky. Not at all innocent, oh no. "Never," he said firmly. But that was pure mischief behind that question, and Kippei glanced at him with deep misgivings even as the low tone of Shinji's voice made him shiver.

"...What kind of something?" he asked.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"I don't know, I hadn't thought about it yet." He grinned, because Kippei had so been worried there for a second. He took the book and put it on the floor before damn near pouncing Kippei, tumbling him back onto the bed and kissing him. The best thing about kissing Kippei was that there was never any hurry. They had all the time they wanted, which was just fine with him.

"Mmm...what if we were on a mission and I kept teasing you...like this," he snuck a hand down to squeeze Kippei through his pants. "Would you yell then?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei's eyes widened and he stared at Shinji. "Depends on the mission," he said finally. "I wouldn't yell... but I might tie you up."

On the other hand, it wouldn't be so different from their first mission together, now would it? "Unless that was the point," he added. "It's a good way to cause an earthquake, or so I've noticed."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji blinked and stared at Kippei.

"We did...a mission? Like that?" He could pick up funny little details from Kippei's mind that made him laugh softly. "At Ryuhana? That was it? Go make out at Ryuhana?" He was laughing fully now.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei smirked. "Yeah. It was pretty awesome." Not to mention it had led to them finally having sex, the first time. The very first time, which Shinji no longer remembered. It made his smile fade, a little. One more thing that they'd lost, that shared memory.

"I'm going to write them all down," he said determinedly.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Then I can read it!" Shinji noted excitedly, a little sad seeing Kippei's smile fade. He wished he remembered things, so that Kippei could share them with someone, but he couldn't so he just shrugged and kissed his forehead and the little frown line there.

"I'm sorry I forgot."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei shuddered a little. "Don't be sorry," he whispered, reaching out to stroke his hair. "It's better that you're still here." He couldn't even imagine the agony of Shinji being completely gone, forever. Dead. No, that was infinitely worse. He could handle it that Shinji forgot. He couldn't handle dead.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"....okay." Shinji smiled, because he wasn't sorry about not being dead, just about having forgotten things, but Kippei knew that so it was okay. "You love me, even though I don't remember, so I'm not very sorry at all. As long as you love me, I don't really mind."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"I know," Kippei said, smiling a little sadly. Shinji didn't mind, of course, because he didn't know what was missing. Couldn't remember it having been there. And of course Kippei would always love him, whether he remembered it or not, so it wasn't like anything was different, for him. Maybe nothing was different at all, really.

"Do you think it could happen?" he asked after a minute. "Do you think you might... delete me?" If he and Shinji both forgot...then what would happen? He knew he'd still love Shinji no matter what; but he wouldn't remember why, and it would be terribly sad if all the memories they'd made before were just...gone.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji shrugged, frowning, and then sighed.

"Then...we die, I guess. And the other Shinji and Kippei get to do everything we've done, just like us, for the first time, all over again." He smiled, a little sadly, but a little happily too. "That wouldn't be so bad. I would be sad it was over but not sad that we got what we did."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"You wouldn't be sad," Kippei pointed out, rolling his eyes a little in amusement. "You wouldn't remember, neither of us would." He didn't like that idea at all. Maybe it didn't really matter, maybe he was making it too important, but it made him kind of sick to think of neither of them remembering anything, of starting all over again.

"Let's try to make sure it doesn't happen, okay?" he sighed.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Yeah. We'll try really hard, and who knows...maybe I'll find a way to...to...wait...that's. I mean...I can't save the feeling, but we would remember that, and I can save...I mean, I can save the thought patterns. All of it...as a radio transmission, and our bodies would still remember the feelings that went with the thoughts, and even if I forgot then...I could still have those thoughts transmitted to myself, and I could transmit them to you...I mean, that would work, wouldn't it? I would save everything? Somewhere?" He had no idea where or how, but...he knew he could.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei looked at him a little strangely, having no idea what the hell he was talking about. If Shinji said he could do it, he probably could, but Kippei wasn't entirely sure what it was he meant to do.

"Sure," he agreed anyway. "Save everything we can, however we can..." It sounded weirdly like backing themselves up, downloading their brains like a computer, and he snorted, amused.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji frowned, not liking that Kippei was just agreeing with him for the hell of it, when it was something so important. Rolling his eyes, Shinji kissed him, because it wasn't like a computer at all, well...not really. Though he supposed he did use computers to train and the people who kidnapped him had used computers to control him and yeah, okay, maybe he was a little like a computer but not really. He was like a person-radio...not a computer. Honest.

"Mmm everything. All of it." He kissed Kippei and nuzzled his cheek, whispering. "I told you I would protect you."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei chuckled, but in a weird way he supposed it was kind of like protection, so he just nodded silently and kissed him back.

"I just need to not lose you," he whispered after a minute. "That's the best protection you can give me." The memories were part of that, but really...only a small part. And he might actually believe that, someday.