oob: kippei and akira

[shattermelt]

Blinking heavy eyes, Akira finally left the bedroom to Shinji, who was even now sleeping peacefully in the bed. Another endless night of light napping, broken by periodic violent jolts awake if he thought Shinji might have been waking up before him. Akira wanted nothing more to sleep, but being cooped up in the house for too long, he had to walk, to move.

He had to find out where Kippei had hidden himself after Akira had snapped at him over breakfast. He hadn't meant to, just...he was still a shade humiliated from his older lover's lecture the other day, and so tired he was short tempered to boot. Well, more short tempered than usual, he noted with some chagrin.

He found him in the sunroom. For a long moment, Akira just had to look at him. How could he possibly stay annoyed? If it hadn't been for Kippei...Akira didn't even want to think about what the consequences might have been. "Hey" he said softly, leaning heavily on the door frame for a moment. Slowly and purposefully, he made his way across to where Kippei was sitting, blinked down wearily at him, shrugged minutely and crawled into his lap, wrapping his pale, skinny arms around his shoulders and hiding his face. "Sorry I was a jerk this morning. I'm just tired" he mumbled, for some reason just the action of hugging his boyfriend making him emotional. He nuzzled Kippei's chest, his eyes closed.

Startled, Kippei blinked down at him in complete bemusement. Whatever he'd been expecting when Akira finally sought him out--if he ever did--it wasn't that. That Akira had been angry and hurt, he knew, and he'd considered the snappiness this morning to be a pretty good indicator of Akira's likely overall reaction. Akira would probably want to yell at him, or maybe he would just shut him out for awhile. The idea had hurt, adding to the sense of grief Kippei was feeling over the eventual outcome of that hellish day, but it was no more than he expected.

No more than he deserved, really--he could see why Akira was upset, but he wasn't going to apologize. It had been necessary at the time, he hadn't had the luxury of being careful or gentle or taking it easy when he was trying to give Akira the information he'd need to help Shinji before Shinji shut himself down to the point where neither of them could. But Kippei had figured he had a right to be angry, and he wasn't going to argue with whatever Akira eventually decided to do about it.

Trying to fix things with Akira for himself came secondary to making sure that Akira was okay with Shinji, and once that was accomplished, Kippei wasn't going to do anything that would possibly interfere with that again. It hurt, with an immense, incredible sadness, to back off and let Akira go, to leave him to Shinji and not push him to try to work things out, but to maybe unbalance the two of them again for the sake of his own wants and needs was too much of a risk. Unacceptable. Shinji needed Akira, and what Kippei himself wanted and needed was not as important as that. Still, it was a weight of grief that was heavy and painful, not least because he was keeping it carefully well hidden--or trying to. He'd retreated to the sunroom finally, both to give them some time to themselves and to hide the sadness in his eyes that he couldn't quite erase when he watched them together.

Apparently he'd misjudged things rather spectacularly, unless Akira was just too worn out to remember how mad he was. Carefully, a bit warily, he wrapped his arms around the boyfriend now inexplicably nuzzling catlike in his lap, and tried to figure out what the hell was going on. "You okay?" he asked finally, as a general invitation for Akira to spill whatever the fuck he was thinking and feeling.

If his eyes had been opened, Akira might have blinked at the question. He'd asked himself the same thing over and over since that night, and he thought maybe he had had enough time now to work things out in his head. For one, he was more than just physically tired, he was completely and utterly tired. With himself. Laying in bed, restless and wary of falling asleep, he'd watched his two lovers sleep in the bed, and spent long hours trying to work out exactly where things had started falling apart.

No matter where he went with it, most everything pointed back to him. So, he needed to fix things. And he really needed to start with Kippei. The only way to start doing that was to be brutally honest, no matter how much it might scare him to do it.

And so he buried his face in more, and uttered out a dull, "No. Not really. How are you?" He wanted to laugh and cringe at how stupid he sounded, but he'd made up his mind, hadn't he? He wasn't going to back down now that he started.

Not okay. Well, it was a start. Kippei concentrated on breathing carefully past the ache in his chest as he rubbed one hand gently up and down Akira's spine. He wasn't entirely sure what to say.... I love you so much, but that wasn't going to help fix anything, I'm sorry, but he wasn't, exactly, why not?--but he wasn't sure he wanted to know. Shinji was okay, so everything was okay, right? And if not, then something else was bothering Akira, probably something about him, and Kippei thought maybe he was too tired and sore to deal with that right now.

"I'm okay," he said instead, but it wasn't very convincing. It was soft and muted and tired, and a little bit sad, the way he was feeling at the moment.

Right. That was why Kippei was sitting alone in the sunroom, because he was okay. It was even on the tip of his tongue to say so, but that would be the exhausted bitchiness talking. Instead he sighed, a sound that carried across both his understanding and acceptance of the lie he was just told. Laboriously, he moved to sit up, and though everything in him felt lethargic and gummy, opened his eyes to look back at Kippei. "Okay...well...I'm not. I've been...thinking. About stuff. About us. About what the hell my problem is. And..." It was so naturally a habit by now to stop himself, pull himself back before he revealed too much, that it was difficult to form the words he needed. He needed a minute, just a minute, to regroup. "Kippei...are you in here because of me?" he asked point blank, kicking himself for changing the subject, no matter if the question was related or not.

Gods, he was such a wimp.

Kippei blinked a lot more, and retraced this short conversation in his head. What? He shifted uncertainly, the way the words were shifting in his head, and he was almost sure that Akira had changed the subject, but on the other hand he wasn't sure what the new subject was, or even what the old one had been.

"In... here?" he asked blankly, not at all sure where 'here' was supposed to be.

"Well...here. Yeah. In the sunroom. I thought...thought maybe you were mad at me cause you're in here all by yourself" Akira shrugged, his face partially (and thankfully) hidden behind his hair. Maybe he was reading too much into stuff, though. Maybe Kippei had just needed some peace and quiet. And while it had been pretty quiet the last couple of days, it hadn't exactly been what Akira would have called peaceful.

Kippei pushed Akira's hair back, trying to get a better look at his face, but Akira was hiding and Kippei was thoroughly confused. He thought Kippei was mad at him?

"Not mad," he answered, shaking his head. "Just... figured I'd let you have some time to yourselves for a bit." He was unable to keep entirely the note of sad wistfulness from his voice, or the slightly bitter edge beneath. Since that's what you seemed to want. That wasn't really fair, however, and rather selfish besides, and he crushed the uncharitable thought. "Aren't you mad at me?" he asked after a pause.

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[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Something flickered in Kippei's eyes and he pulled Akira closer, wrapping around him fiercely tight and burying his face in Akira's hair.

"I don't know, Akira," he whispered. "I don't know, sometimes... sometimes it's hard for me to think of you two separate because I need you to be together, always, but it's not... it's not just that. I love you too, just you, so damn much. And you..." God, this was stupid, he wasn't going to cry now. "I thought you were gone," he managed, and his voice was low and rough and shaken as he tried to remember not to leave bruises from holding on too tight. "Don't ever do that again, Kir, please don't. Please don't leave."

[daredtygrz.livejournal.com]

If he'd thought dealing with Shinji being upset had been strange, trying to console Kippei was even stranger. Akira was used to Kippei being the consoler, the one that had the answers and knew what to say.

But he tried his best, because he loved him, because he hated to see Shinji or Kippei look so absolutely torn up about what was basically a mistake.

"I never left. Not ever. It's okay, 'Pei, I'm right here" he reassured his lover, winding his arms tight around him, nuzzling.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei let out a long, shuddering sigh and tumbled over, falling onto his back and taking Akira with him, sinking into the firm mattress of the daybed and letting Akira's weight anchor him there, holding him down.

"You did," he breathed, stirring the red strands of Akira's hair briefly with his sigh. "I know you didn't. But it was like you did." He didn't even know anymore if he was talking about yesterday, thinking Akira was dead, or this morning when Akira had snapped at him, been shutting him out and that had hurt just as much, been the same kind of grief.

Like Shinji, Kippei had felt as if Akira died twice, as if he'd gotten him back only to lose him again. No matter how strong he wanted to be, that was still hard to deal with. It had still been trauma, and maybe in some ways he was still in shock. "I've never hurt that much before," he whispered, half to himself. Ever.

[daredtygrz.livejournal.com]

Akira's eyebrows drew together in confused frustration. He just didn't get why they couldn't move on from that. Yeah, it sucked, and he could imagine how they must have felt to go down there to identify his 'body', but he thought by now they'd be happier, even laughing over the mistake, than worried so much that he was going to disappear somehow.

But, as confused as he was, he was still touched by it. Even if he wanted to rip his hair out in clumps by now if Shinji begged him not to go one more time.

"I don't want you to hurt anymore, 'Pei. Or Shinji either. It was just a dumb mistake, that's all. Dork cops should have checked dental records or something first before scaring you like that. Or...I should have watched my bag better" he added sheepishly, his face warming.

"I'm alive, Kippei...I wish you'd remember that and be happy, then remember me dead and be miserable."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"I remember that," Kippei agreed, reaching up to trace the lines of his face. "Believe me, I remember that. And I'm very glad." The words were soft and fervent, and really, it wasn't that he was remembering Akira dead or that he was miserable, or anything like that... he was... stunned, he thought, amazed that Akira being gone had made such a difference, and that he was not gone after all.

It was one thing to know that you didn't want to lose someone, and another thing entirely to come face to face with having lost them, to know what you were always going to miss.

"You don't understand," Kippei noted quietly, but that was fine. He smiled. Akira didn't have to get it, as long as he was here. "You're not mad?" he asked again, with just a touch of doubt.

[daredtygrz.livejournal.com]

Another shake of the head. "No. I'm not mad at you." Akira turned his face slightly into the touch, closing his eyes.

Bad idea. Closing his eyes, horizontal as he now was, nearly pulled him back into his exhaustion. He needed to be awake right now, as much as he'd like to just lay his head down on Kippei's broad chest and finally let himself drift off.

So he yanked his eyes open, wondering absently in the back of his head if he looked as crappy as he felt. Best to press on, get it all out, before he did fall asleep. He couldn't be so sure he wouldn't chicken out later if he waited, and he was sick of chickening out.

"I'm not mad at you" he repeated, looking down at Kippei intently before averting his eyes away. "I'm mad at myself. Because...I told myself stupid things, ever since...ever since Mori left. I guess I thought that...since you loved him and Shinji so much then...I don't know. That maybe you were only with me because Shinji wanted to be with me."

He rushed on, anxious to get it out, and worried that if he didn't explain it all at once, Kippei wouldn't understand, and he needed him to. "I know that's not fair, and I should have talked to you...but I'm not good at that. It's different with Shinji; I've known him all my life and I've loved him like I do now for longer than I can remember, even if I was a moron and didn't know it. But I...you...I don't have that with you. I keep catching myself trying to...be better, I guess. Not bug you with stupid stuff or say stuff that might make you mad, or upset...and I don't mean to. It's like I just wimp out or something. And then, I don't know, it was like I was competing with Shinji or something and that's just stupid..."

He sighed heavily, daring a look back at Kippei's face. It wasn't as hard to spill it all out as he'd thought it might be, as long as he let himself keep talking. But he couldn't talk forever; eventually he'd have to stop and face what his buchou had to say about it all.

"I guess I just forgot why I really wanted this. It wasn't supposed to be about all that dumb stuff, or anything like that. It was just supposed to be about the three of us, that's all."

"You scare the hell out of me, buchou" he added, quietly, bunching his fists in Kippei's shirt. "Sometimes I just look at you, and it's all new to me again. Like I'm back that first year, watching you show Ishida how to control his serve, or stopping to talk to Shinji after practice, and trying to figure out why I want your attention so much. So when you look at me, my stomach does these dumb flip flops and I can't look away. And then I remember you're already mine, already ours...and its so..." He couldn't think of the word he wanted, what would explain how weird and cool and awestruck he felt at it.

"It's so great. Better than that. It's like...it's right. And it's so scary. I don't really know why, but it is."

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

"Akira," Kippei breathed, reaching up to stroke Akira's cheek and his hair and not really knowing where to start, but surprised and a little bit awed by the sudden flood of confession. Akira suddenly opening up, suddenly not hiding any more, and Kippei didn't know whether he wanted to laugh or cry. Just... god. He pulled Akira down against him, holding him tight, so tight, and tried to choke out words or laughter or breathe or god, just anything. He bit his lip and pressed his face against Akira's hair and just held on.

"Already yours," he whispered finally. He had so many other things to say, things he wanted to say, reassurance and promises and reminders, but he couldn't manage them past the searing ache in his throat. God, Akira. It took all of them, all three of them to be absolutely certain and perfect and right, but it was. Oh god, it was. And hell yeah, it was scary, Kippei hadn't even known how scary it was until he thought he'd lost it. But he wasn't going to let that happen again.

He still couldn't talk, the emotion in his chest choking him in its intensity, but he rolled them over, trapping Akira beneath him and kissed him over and over, his hair and his forehead and all over his face, trying to say in actions what he couldn't say with words. So damn beautiful. And mine.

[daredtygrz.livejournal.com]

Actions were something Akira could understand. It was a huge weight off his chest, knowing Kippei understood what he was trying to say. Even more important was feeling that his buchou felt the same way about him...it was almost too good to be true, and he wanted to kick himself again for putting them both through crap for so long about it. It was going to kill him with embarrassment and chagrin for a long time that he'd been such an idiot about this for so long.

He wasn't big on talking, not like Shinji and Kippei were...he believed more in actions speaking louder than words. And right now, Kippei's actions were wonderful. His breath hitched dangerously, and he blinked back the sheen of tears in his eyes hastily, not wanting to ruin the moment by stupidly crying.

Even if it was happy crying. "Kippei" he breathed, hugging his taller boyfriend tight, not wanting to let go. "Sorry for being such an idiot...I love you." It was so much easier to say now.

And he didn't even blush.

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

"It's okay," Kippei told him, kissing him again, and it was, now, or it would be. He was just so glad Akira had finally told him what was bothering him. It was nothing they couldn't deal with.

"You don't have to be better for me," he murmured, nuzzling Akira's temple in relief. "You're already perfect, just like Shinji. I forget too, sometimes, I look at you and Shinji and you fit so well together and you have so much history and I don't understand why you wanted me too, but I want this. I want you, both of you. I love you, just the way you are. You don't have to change for me. Just always be there, that's all I need."

They were really going to have to start doing better about this talking thing. Neither of them was very good at it, and somehow it was easier with Shinji, but that didn't mean it was impossible. They could both try harder. "Just ask me, okay, if you ever start to wonder again, I'll tell you anything you want to know. Anything."

[daredtygrz.livejournal.com]

But asking is the hard part...

Akira thought as he nodded, a smile widening on his lips. This was new territory, being so open, really open with Kippei, and it was still scary as all hell, but that part of Akira that went with the flow, always with the rhythm life gave him, accepted it, took it into himself and moved on. It was a part of him that had been dormant for a long time; possibly since just before Mori had insinuated himself into their relationship. Now it just clicked, and he was far more at ease, everything starting to fall into place, where the pieces should be.

"I can be there for you, Kippei. Always. I can do that" he murmured, his eyes heavy and overly bright as he blinked up at his boyfriend, his arms growing lax around his neck. Exhaustion was starting to pull him under.

"Don' lemme fall asleep, kay? Gotta go back an' take care of Shin...can't wake up alone, Kippei" he mumbled drowsily, fighting sleep by widening his eyes, but a yawn slipped out, and said eyes threatened to close all the way.

[ooc: Haven't had a chance to talk to you...we can end this with your tag if you want. Think Aki's gonna drift off here...you can GM him doing that if you want. I'll be at work til wed. night so I'll just check in periodically here, okay? Better get back >.< ]

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"It's okay," Kippei told him softly, stroking Akira's hair until his breathing evened out and he lay still, curled up against him. Just be there. For us.

After a few minutes, when he was fairly certain that Akira was sound asleep, he shifted carefully and stood, lifting Akira in his arms and carrying him back to the other room where Shinji was sleeping. Nobody should wake up alone. Not when they were all right here.