xp log: kippei and shinji

[shattermelt]

Kippei woke up slowly, reluctant to leave the warm, easy comfort of sleep. He'd slept well for the first time in what seemed like forever, deep and dreamless and permeated with that sense of warm contentment. He woke up with his face buried in Shinji's hair and sighed deeply, smiling a little to himself without bothering to open his eyes. Shinji was snuggling in his arms, limbs all tangled around each other like they used to do, and it was....wait. Like they used to? Kippei woke up fast and went very still as an ice cold chill swept over him. Dammit. He should have know better than to try to sleep next to Shinji, should have known this would happen and at least thank god Shinji wasn't awake yet and freaking out. Kippei didn't think he could move without waking him, either.

He closed his eyes again and stayed where he was, breathing into Shinji's hair and trying to pretend that he wasn't awake, that nothing was wrong, that everything was just as perfectly right as it felt like it should be. Maybe if he let Shinji think he woke up first, that would be easier, because for the life of him he couldn't move away.

Comments

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Something jerked Shinji into wakefulness and he grabbed hold of the nearest thing, which happened to be Kii's tail and Kippei's arm. The little cat whined loudly and wriggled out of his grasp, batting at his hand with claws that bit into his skin, startling Shinji into letting go and sucking on the injured skin while he blinked and tried to wake up. What woke him? It was warm...Wait, it wasn't this warm normally. Curious, Shinji sat up and then froze, staring at Kippei, who he had been wrapped tight around. He snuggled Kippei like a giant teddy. For how long? God, embarassing. Good thing Kippei was still... wait... Shinji frowned, a dark blush creeping over his cheeks.

"I can read thoughts you know."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei closed his eyes more tightly, and blanked out all his thoughts like they had never been, because he was very sure he didn't want to be thinking anyway. The words sounded like censure and made him feel guilty, he knew better, knew how selfish he was, to lay there enjoying this while he knew Shinji didn't want it.

"Sorry," he muttered, rolling over onto his back and throwing an arm across his eyes.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"I didn't say I didn't want it," Shinji mumbled, disconcerted. He didn't like that Kippei was unhappy and he had only just woken up. It had been warm and nice, sleeping with Kippei. Just like sleeping with a giant version of Kii.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei's body tensed, and he was suddenly, blindingly angry. Like hell he hadn't said that. Practically the first thing Shinji had said to him after... after. The anger faded as quickly as it had come, leaving raw, aching grief in it's wake. Maybe Shinji hadn't said it this time but it was still true and Kippei had known better. He should know better than to want or expect or need anything from Shinji anymore. It wasn't fair to him to think Shinji would want anything from him either, anytime soon.

He turned over on his side, putting his back to Shinji because it just hurt to have him so close and not be able to reach for him. "You didn't have to," he said tiredly.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji sat frozen, gaping at Kippei's back, not able to fully comprehend the hurt flooding through him as he stared at Kippei, turning away from him. But he should have known better. He couldn't expect Kippei to want to do anything with him anymore. He wasn't the other Shinji; that Shinji was dead, and Kippei knew it. That didn't mean this Shinji didn't feel like he had just been punched in the gut. He reached out, but his hand fell away. Kii meowed at him but Shinji ignored the cat, crawling backwards off the edge of the bed, and then crawling forward, under the bed, in amongst the boxes underneath and curling up, hiding.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Shinji? Shinji!" Kippei sat up and twisted, reaching after him, unable to help the instant blind panic response that said Shinji was leaving, gone, going away. "I'm sorry," he whispered, choking on the words and the fear and god, just everything as he fell out of bed and onto the floor, looking for Shinji and trying to reach out to him... under the bed? Shinji was hiding from him and that hurt more than anything. He couldn't quite reach, Shinji was as good as gone and all he could feel was the crazy twisting falling sense of irrational terror.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I won't, I'm not mad and you don't have to do anything if you don't want to, it doesn't matter, please." He was incoherent, the words tumbling out of him not making sense even to him, probably sounded as half crazy as he felt and god he wanted so badly to cry or scream or break something, but instead he sat back and stared, a little stunned, as the bed over Shinji's head floated up and away. Did he do that? He hadn't meant to do that. "Shinji?" he whispered again, and if he'd been in a state to notice he would have been fiercely ashamed of how scared and broken he sounded.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

He wasn't crying; he wasn't! Kippei was mad, and he hadn't meant to make Kippei mad or upset or sad or anything, and why was the bed floating? And what the hell did Kippei think he didn't want to do anyway? The bed was really floating. And Kippei sounded scared and angry and beds were not supposed to float, sure he didn't know much but he at least knew that. Shinji peeked out from under the shelter of his arms, but instead of moving back to Kippei he scuttled forward, away from the bed, not wanting it to land on him, curling up in the corner and just staring at it, not sure what to think. Kippei made things float, but...the bed? He must be really, really mad!

"I'm sorry, please don't be mad, I don't want you to yell at me. Please don't be angry, I won't do it again I promise! I won't listen to your brain, or anyone's, I swear, I didn't mean to do it, please don't be angry!" Okay so he was crying. Whatever.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

At least he was out from under the bed, but he was moving farther away and Kippei just couldn't take it anymore, didn't know how to deal with it at all. Having Shinji here-but-not-here was one thing--having him actively trying to leave just punched a huge smoking hole in him where his heart used to be. The bed slowly settled back where it used to be and Kippei just sat there, numbly staring at Shinji in the corner. Shinji was crying. Kippei was scaring him and asking too much and Shinji wanted to leave so badly that he was crying and Kippei should just let him go and stop hurting him but if he did he was going to go insane and break apart and a lot of people were going to die, himself included.

"Don't leave," was all he could say, all he could think, barely more than a whisper, Shinji's words barely registering past the thundering fog in his mind. His voice didn't work, didn't want to carry the sheer level of pain and fear he was shaking with. Don't leave, don't leave oh god please don't leave I can't do this I need you DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji slapped his hands over his ears and tried to bet away, pushing in against the wall but it was in his head and oh god, Kippei was screaming at him in his head! Shinji whimpered and tried to understand it but he couldn't, he just felt swamped, like he was drowning in Kippei's misery and it was all Shinji's fault but he couldn't leave because Kippei was begging him not to and he didn't want to but he didn't want to get yelled at anymore, he didn't want to hear anything anymore.

"Shut up....shut up, shut up, shup up!" He wasn't just talking to Kippei, but to Kii and all the people he could hear, all those annoying little voices he could hear, like vultures pecking at his sanity. "Shut up!"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei felt the chaos in his head fall abruptly silent, and knew distantly that it was something Shinji had done but it didn't matter, because he could move again and he had to, had to get to Shinji because Shinji was crying and it was all his fault. He went over and picked Shinji up, cradling him close without even thinking about what he should or shouldn't do, just knowing that this was the right thing, Shinji in his arms and he could breathe again.

He sighed a little in relief and turned back to the bed--no, to Shinji's bed, laying him down on it and sitting next to him, holding tightly to his hand and stroking his hair. What just happened? Now that he could think again, he found himself going back over the last ten minutes and wondering what the fuck had happened. Shinji thought he was mad?

"I'm not mad," he said finally, his voice rough and raw but it was steady enough. "It's okay, I'm not mad. I just can't... I miss you and it hurts and I'm trying so hard but I keep doing the wrong things and I don't want you to leave. I need you, Shinji, I know you don't remember and there's no reason you should care but I love you and I need you so much and just, please. I'm sorry."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji couldn't move because his brain wasn't working; was completely empty and he was vaguely aware of Kippei picking him up and carrying him and putting him in bed and tucking him in, but these weren't things he really thought anything about. His brain took a while to wake up, listening to Kippei sluggishly and he wasnt sure what he had done but at least it was quieter now and he couldnt hear anything and that was good. What wasn't good was Kippei being mad. Even if he said he wasn't, Shinji heard him yelling, over and over on repeat in his memory and he curled up tighter, wishing he had a real teddy bear to hold onto, because if he hugged Kii as hard as he wanted to he would strangle the little cat and he thought that would be messy.

"I don't know what that is," Shinji mumbled unhappily. "You're not doing the wrong thing, I just don't know what anything is." It occurred to him that in his current state he was completely useless. So thoroughly useless that he had to wonder what that other Shinji had been thinking.

"The other Shinji should have let me die too."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

The misery in Shinji's voice was killing him. Kippei just sat there quietly stroking his hair, wanting to hold him but not entirely sure at the moment that Shinji wouldn't push him away. "No he shouldn't," Kippei answered softly, brushing at the drying tear tracks on Shinji's face with gentle fingers, unaware of the wetness streaking his own face.

"He knew I'd need you. No matter what, it's better this way. You're not dead. If you were dead I would be dead too and no matter how hard this is, it's better than being dead. It's not the same, but you're still Shinji. I just need you to... we both need time. Just don't leave, please, that's all. I know it's selfish and I shouldn't ask you for so much but I need you so bad, Shin. When you leave, when you're gone or hiding or want to get away, I can't think or breathe or anything. I didn't mean to yell at you, or sound mad, it just feels like I'm going crazy when I think I'm going to lose you--again." His voice broke and died on the last word, and he fell silent, holding Shinji's hand again like a lifeline.