oob: kippei and shinji

[shattermelt]

Kippei didn't really know how long it was that they sat like that, curled up on the couch together, but he lost track of time, just holding Shinji and enjoying the lightheaded feeling of relief as Shinji eventually quieted and relaxed against him. He hadn't really been aware that he was thinking about anything in particular as he let his mind drift, but apparently he'd been going back over the many, many mistakes and misunderstandings in this relationship, since the beginning. That seemed like a long time ago now. Now he had a question to ask, but he wasn't sure if now was a good time to ask it.

"Feel better?" he asked instead, after the silence had lengthened into something slow and quiet and warm.

Comments

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Mmm..." Shinji answered vaguely, feeling completely boneless and completely foolish and not wanting to move a muscle. He still couldn't believe he had hurt Kippei like that. His mind was on replay and every time it went around again he wanted to cry again but in the end crying was stupid and didnt solve anything and it didn't really make him feel any better, whereas cuddling Kippei definately did.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei laughed, a soft sound under his breath because he heard all the things that Shinji wasn't saying, but it was okay. They were okay. And he never wanted to move ever. Except maybe to slide down a bit more, so he was half laying down with Shinji on top of him and yeah, he could just sleep like that, or something. He wasn't really tired, but he felt drained in the way that makes sleep sound like a good idea regardless.

He wanted to say, I'm sorry I made you cry, along with a lot of other things, but he didn't know how to say them. "I'm sorry," he settled for at last.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Don't start that again," Shinji grumbled, refusing to move, even to open his eyes so he could glare at Kippei. "I'm sorry, you're sorry, everyone's sorry so now we don't have to say it anymore and we can just lie here and I can pretend I am asleep while I watch you pretending to sleep and it'll be all good."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei laughed again, though it was barely a sound this time. Yeah, they were all sorry and they didn't have to say it anymore, but they kept doing it anyway. After a minute he frowned slightly, wondering what Shinji was apologizing for. He hadn't thought about it, before, when Shinji had been clinging to him saying I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry, he'd just been glad that Shinji was touching him again and not looking at him like Kippei had just shot him through the heart. But now that he thought about it, he wondered. After a minute he asked, in a tone of idle curiosity.

"What are you sorry for? You didn't do anything."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Sure I did I'm a whiney shit and just when everything gets back to normal I go and do something stupid to toss it in your face and you have to deal with me being a whiny shit all over again. I mean geez, what eighteen year old guy cant get over something after seven years? That's just...stupid. You should tell me to get over it or something but you dont and I just get worse and then I take it out on you and everything gets messy and I hurt you. I hate hurting you. I hate that more than anything."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"You didn't do anything," Kippei repeated, his arms tightening around Shinji because it just felt good. "It was my fault." He was still puzzled, because yeah, it had hurt like hell, but it hadn't been Shinji that had done it. Not exactly, anyway.

"How...I mean. I hurt you first. That's what hurt, it wasn't anything you did."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Shhh we're not talking about this anymore," Shinji muttered darkly, not wanting to do it anymore. He realised now, how completely he hurt Kippei when he lost it and it was not happening again.

"We're pretending we're asleep, remember?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei made a soft grumbling sound, not content with the answer but not willing to push it at this point. How did Shinji think that any of this was his fault? "You're pretending you're asleep," he muttered, stroking Shinji's hair. "I'm pretending--" And he stopped, right there, because he so did not want to go there and Shinji was right. They weren't talking about this anymore.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"I'm pretending I'm asleep, you're pretending you're asleep and now we just need Aki to pretend he's asleep too and it'll be a really cool pretend afternoon," Shinji mumbled, muffling his words in Kippei's shirt. He felt lazy as all hell and idly trailed his fingers on the floor over the side of the couch...they were on the couch right? Shinji couldn't be bothered opening his eyes to check.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Mmmm," Kippei answered, less a sound of agreement than acquiesence. Really, most of the time that would sound like a great idea, and even now it sounded rather attractive, but there were still questions floating in his mind and pretending to sleep was not enough distraction from them.

"What were you thinking?" he asked, a sudden restlessness letting the question escape before he remembered that they weren't talking about things. "That first time when you kissed me, why did you do it?" Why didn't you just tell me to take my stupid fantasy and shove it?

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji blinked, confused for a while what the hell Kippei was talking about. Kiss? First time? ...what did that have to do with anything? Frowning, Shinji blearily opened puffy eyes, embarassed that they were puffy at all, and eyed Kippei warily. Was this a trick question?

"Because I wanted to?" Why else did you kiss people?

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"You just suddenly wanted to?" Kippei asked him, not really sure why he was asking, why the question had occurred to him in the first place. He paused, trying to sort it out.

"You looked pretty freaked out when you first came in," he said finally. "I wasn't, you know... I never expected you to..." If he'd thought there was the remotest chance of anything, he would have said something himself. To have Shinji's reaction be to kiss him, was the last thing he had expected that day. "Never thought you'd want to," he finished softly, exhaling gently and comforting himself with the soft strands of Shinji's hair.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Well, no, not just suddenly, I wanted to the first day I saw you too. I think I told Aki that...you came to club and we were getting balls and he said we were gonna get punched and I asked him I could kiss you first because I would probably get punched for that so at least I would get hit for a reason that way. He kinda just looked at me funny. I think he thought I was joking, but whatever. I didn't kiss you, but I still got hit that day. With a tennis ball. It hit my nose and it hurt for a week."

He wondered why Kippei was asking this now, and not then, or why not anytime in the last year.

"Do you wish I didn't?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

The first day? Kippei went still, and then his hand resumed it's slow, steady strokes on Shinji's hair. "No, of course not," he answered, hiding his smile rather less than successfully over the top of Shinji's head. "I just wondered... if you had never thought about it before, why you did. At first I thought... it was all me, wanting something that I shouldn't, and you were already happy. I never meant to tell you. I figured you would tell me I was crazy or something. Maybe slap me? I dunno. I was really glad that you kissed me first, though," he added softly. "I wouldn't have tried, when you belonged to someone else--but I wanted to, so much."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"So? I did kiss you. I did want to. I dont belong to someone else, well...I do but he belongs to you too so why are you disrupting my pretend snooze time?" Shinji sighed, disgruntled, snuggling in against Kippei's side and refusing to move another inch. Honestly, Kippei had a funny way of pretending not to talk...sounded like talk to Shinji.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei made a soft murmuring sound that might have meant never mind, and sighed mentally. He didn't know, and now that Shinji asked it sounded rather silly. He decided not to ask any of his other questions, like if Shinji had ever been sorry or when he had fallen in love or if he ever wished that Kippei had told him himself, and a lot sooner. The truth was, he hadn't realized exactly what he wanted until he'd seen Shinji with someone else, someone else that he couldn't even be jealous of because he was just as attractive in his own way, and by the time he'd realized that he might have wanted both of them, he'd thought it was too late. Finding out that it wasn't had taken a long time to really believe. But there wasn't really a reason to tell Shinji all of that. They were pretending to sleep.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Mmm whatever. Shinji stayed still for a long time, until his fingers got cold and even then he refused to move. Until his toes got cold. But even then! ...But then his arms got cold and he groaned in annoyance, opening his eyes and glaring at the ceiling. He tucked his feet in under Kippei's knees, taking care of that problem, then figured to hell with it, Kippei didn't look cold, so he shoved his arms up under Kippei's shirt, sighin happily as his own cool skin met nice snuggly warm skin. Yeah, much better. Back to pretending to sleep.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei snorted with amusement, and reached up over the back of the couch to grab the blanket there, pulling it down and throwing it over them, tucking it in around Shinji.

"We could just go upstairs, you know," he said dryly. "It's early but at least it would be warmer. Why again are we pretending to sleep?" Shinji was pretending to sleep. Kippei was pretending not to be thinking about all the ways he'd screwed up in the last two years, and ways to apologize for all of them.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"No, I'm not moving!" Shinji stubbornly dug his heels into the couch, refusing to get up and go anywhere. Besides, there was a blanket now, which he snuggled further down into and Kippei had tucked it in snugly around him and it was just perfect. Well, except Akira still hadn't come running through the door yet in a nice hot sweaty heap.

"We're pretending to sleep because its the best thing, followed quickly by actual sleep, followed by sex...actually I think sleep and sex go together...I like to do them together."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"You like to have sex in your sleep?" Kippei asked, laughing quietly, though he knew that wasn't what Shinji had meant at all. "I dunno, I think sex before sleep is better."

He rubbed his hand comfortably down Shinji's spine, kissing the top of his head in apology for the teasing. "I love you," he said softly.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"That's what I meant...although I like sex after sleep too...mm whatever." Shinji found himself now feeling a mixture of desire for sleep and sex equally and really wished Akira would hurry up. He would have started teasing Kippei but he felt like yawning too...damnit. Weird subliminal messages conversation. His fingers found Kippei's nipple and toyed with it lazily, not putting all that much effort into it, just light little caresses and petting.

"I know. I That you."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei's breath hitched slightly, his restlessness taking a slightly different direction. Okay, he'd been happy enough to just lay here and cuddle until Shinji started doing that.

"Mmmm," he murmured, and this time it meant, that feels good. "Sex and sleep and then more sex. Sounds like a plan." He fell silent for a minute, letting his hands slip beneath the blanket and Shinji's shirt to find his skin, and continued his lazy stroking of Shinji's back. "Were you ever sorry?" he asked finally, because he was still wondering.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"No! No, I wasn't ever sorry, I'm not ever going to be and if you want me to be then too bad!" Shinji grumbled, not liking the line of questioning at all. He finally gave up, frustrated, and sat up, glaring down at Kippei.

"What are you trying to ask? Stop pussy footing around and just ASK, and wow you might actually get whatever fucked up answer you're looking for!" Okay, maybe he really was tired.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei looked up at him, startled, and shook his head. "Why would I want you to be?" he asked, frowning slightly. "I just..." his lips compressed and he looked away. "Sometimes I wonder if the reason why you are so worried about being trouble for me and upsetting me, thinking that I'm going to be annoyed or stop caring, is because... that's how you would feel, if it were you. And then I remember all the trouble I've made for you, everything I've done to hurt you, and wonder if that's how you feel about that. About me. That's it's too much trouble and... I don't know."

He didn't even really know what Shinji was afraid of, so he couldn't put into words what he thought Shinji might be thinking, but he couldn't help but wonder if all of his stupid mistakes bothered Shinji that much. If that was why Shinji was so paranoid about making them himself.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji couldn't help it; he laughed.

"Kippei...I'm a self-centered ass who never stops to think about what I would think if you stuffed up because I know you never will. Stop thinking about everything like the world will break if you don't have the answer to everything right now. I said I That you, I mean I That you. More than love, more than everything, that's how much I want you and to be with you and for you to want the same thing from me. Get it?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei smiled faintly. "Yeah, I get it." But it was a relief to hear Shinji say it anyway. "That's what I want, too. I never want you to be sorry, or for you to think that I'm sorry. I that you and I always will."

He was a bit incredulous that Shinji would say he never screwed up, because he sure as hell had, more than once. But he supposed it wasn't fair to say to Shinji, let me too. Let me make mistakes, let me be angry at myself, let me not be perfect because I'm not. After all, it had hurt enough when Shinji said that to him.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"I knooooow," Shinji groaned, getting annoyed. "Stop, stop, stop repeating, I don't like broken records! Honestly, weren't we finishing up on the pretend to snooze gig and moving on to feeling each other up for pre-sex while waiting for Akira? Where is the mopy conversation in that itinerary because I so didn't see it on there!"

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

Kippei tugged gently on his hair, smiling wryly. "Hey. Give me a break. You got to freak out, this is my version of freaking out. Sometimes, I just need to things to be said." He sighed and frowned slightly, letting his fingers slip out of Shinji's hair. "I don't like surprises," he muttered, and really what the hell did that have to do with anything?

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"You're freaking out?" Shinji eyed him warily, not sure what to say or do, or anything really. So he frowned and pinched Kippei's nipple.

"That's not fair. When I freak out you always know why. I don't have any idea why you're freaking out, or what that has to do with you not liking surprises except that I give you really bad surprises...maybe I should give you some good ones just so you like them a bit more."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei chuckled, tiredly. Okay, maybe the sleep thing was starting to make sense.

"I'm done now," he murmured. "And I dunno what that has to do with it either." He fell silent for a moment, thinking about it. It wasn't that Shinji had freaked out that had surprised him. He'd been expecting that, kind of, if not today. "Surprises like... things being said when we're upset, that we weren't planning on or didn't mean. That just... makes me freak out a little bit, especially when I surprise myself. Like hurting you again when I didn't mean to." He frowned again.

"How can you say that? How can you say I never fuck up and never will? I do it all the damn time," he muttered, angry with himself. He screwed his eyes shut and curled his fingers tightly in Shinji's hair, trying to breathe when his chest suddenly hurt clear through.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji smiled sadly and rubbed a thumb under Kippei's eye, as if to rub away non existant tears and he leant down and kissed Kippei's temple and his cheek and that sexy mouth and the little worry line between his brows.

"Because your idea of fucking up and my idea of fucking up, are two very different things Kippei."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei opened his eyes again, frowning more, and feeling like a jerk when he saw Shinji looking sad. His fault again. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Fucking up was fucking up, how could it be different?

"How is it different?" he demanded. "How is it not fucking up when..." his voice died and he sighed deeply, shaking his head in frustration.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"I thought I told you to just say or ask whatever it was you wanted and get your answer. I don't like this whole weird....running around in circles thing, that you've got going. It just gets you frustrated. Akira and I should be the only things that get you frustrated and it should be in a good way. It's different genius because to me the only way to stuff up is to give up."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei's whole body tensed, and he closed his eyes again. Like that helped matters any. "I did ask. And I repeat, how is it not fucking up when I... when. God," he groaned in frustration. "I'm not... I said it once, okay, I can't say it again." He shuddered. After a minute he sighed in resignation. "I never gave up," he said finally. "But it amounts to the same thing if I didn't do what I should have done."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"By your rules," Shinji murmered, "we're both guilty." He watched Kippei closely with wide blue eyes, wondering if Kippei really understood that. "I don't want to be guilty anymore Kippei. If I haven't given up, then I'm not guilty. I can keep trying. Mistakes are the only way we learn, but if you just give up you don't learn anything."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei stared up at him, feeling lost, staring at the look in Shinji's eyes and wondering if it could ever be that simple for him. "I don't hold anyone else to my rules," he whispered, and that was kind of stupid really, but it was true. "You weren't guilty. You aren't." He'd never considered Shinji guilty because he'd never held him to the same standards. What that said about him, he didn't know.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji frowned darkly and punched Kippei in the arm, not hard at all, just a vague 'that's annoying and you know it' warning.

"I'm not talking to you, starting when I stop talking in a minute, until you say, either we are both guilty, or we are both innocent and allowed to make mistakes. Okay, starting now."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei grinned, a crooked half grin, and pulled him down and kissed him, since Shinji wasn't talking anyway. "You're sexy when you're mad," he murmured, and then his smile faded. It should be so easy, just to say yes, okay. We can both make mistakes. And he had no problem with Shinji making mistakes, everyone did, whatever. But the idea of saying that it was okay for him to make mistakes, made cold dread coil up in his stomach.

"It's not that simple," he whispered. But he didn't know why. Everyone else could make mistakes, but not him? Even to himself that didn't make sense, but it was as ingrained a reflex as breathing. "I can say that. I can say we're both allowed to make mistakes. But that won't... change the fact that... I can't. I can't allow that for myself. And I don't know why."

He sounded unhappy, wanting to just say yes and give Shinji what he wanted, but knowing that even if he said it, he was still going to hate himself the next time he made one. And he would, because everyone did. "You're right. We should both be allowed." But I'm not. And he knew, now, that it wasn't Shinji that wasn't allowing it. It was his own damn fault. "God, I'm screwed up." He laughed a little, though it wasn't really funny at all.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji frowned because that wasn't agreement, that was an 'I'll say yes so you talk to me again' thing. That didnt count. But it hurt, to hear the self doubt in Kippei and Shinji wanted to kiss it all away and tell him everything was okay but it wouldn't make a difference if Kippei held different standards for himself. So instead, Shinji rolled on top of him and wrapped his arms tight around Kippei's neck and just held him, not saying a word because Kippei was a stubborn idiot and he would just have to figure it out himself. Or Shinji would have to make sure that nothing was ever Kippei's fault, which was easier said than done since he only had vague ideas of how Kippei's brain worked and exactly what he blamed himself for but whatever. He could figure it out.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei's arms went around him tightly and he hung on too, knowing that Shinji wasn't happy with his answer, but he'd been honest and that was the only answer he could give.

"If I'm allowed to make mistakes," he whispered into Shinji's hair, "really bad things happen." Because he was the one that everyone else depended on, and he wanted it that way, wanted to be the one who was safe and sure and picked up the pieces when other people fell or tripped or made their own mistakes, but if he was the one who made a mistake, there was no one left to pick up the pieces for him. And everything fell apart.

He didn't have anyone to depend on like that, and didn't want to need it, so he'd decided just to not make mistakes. But that was so much harder than it seemed.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

So let them happen. Shinji sighed and relaxed and didn't say anything because Kippei would probably laugh at him if he pointed out that Aki and Shinji could pick up the pieces just fine; that it was a three way street and they were supposed to be equals. Maybe one day Kippei would stop being such a stubborn dolt. Whatever.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei sighed too and let himself relax when Shinji did, just laying there holding him and breathing together.

"Keep reminding me?" he asked finally. "When I make a mistake, that it's okay." Maybe one day he'd believe it.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji sighed explosively, annoyed with the conversation, and nodded. Yes, yes, he would point out that blame is pointless and Kippei should stop doing it, but he shouldn't have to because Kippei wasn't to blame for anything to begin with. Whatever. Kissing was more important damn it.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Shinji still wasn't talking, and Kippei sighed, shifting around to get more comfortable on his back, and letting his fingers drift back into Shinji's hair as Shinji kissed him again. Shinji looked a bit annoyed, and Kippei was sorry about that too, but he couldn't say anything else and Shinji was kissing him, so he just kissed him back, letting it say all the things he meant but couldn't say.