tp5: kippei and shinji

[shattermelt]

It wasn't himself that Kippei was worried about. Once the tattoo was bandaged, it was like any other minor injury, something to be wrapped and forgotten--that is, ignored--until it healed. It didn't bother him and he didn't take particular notice of it, except to be reminded of it now and then when he moved and it flared briefly with a subtle burn to make him feel warm inside with knowing it was there.

Shinji, on the other hand, was going to have considerably more to deal with. Kippei didn't like that at all.

"You need to take the day off at least," he told Shinji the next morning. He'd made sure Shinji slept on his stomach that night, sleeping lightly and waking often to check on him, though he made sure that Shinji didn't know he did it. In the morning he knew Shinji was still in pain, no matter what he said, and it would be miserable as hell for him to try to work that way, especially when he got sweaty and it seeped beneath the bandage, it would sting like hell. Not acceptable. "You're staying home, even if I have to stay home to keep you here."

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[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji pushed himself up until he was kneeling blearily on the bed, trying to process what Kippei had said, then frowning darkly when he realised. Like he wasn't hurting enough, Kippei had to go and hurt his pride too. Damnit, it was just a tattoo and sure it was huge and got done with a laser but what the fuck ever.

"Fine, call yourself in sick then," Shinji grumbled darkly, not liking being told what to do at all.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"Does that mean you'll stay home if I do?" Kippei asked him warily. He'd been prepared for a fight, and wasn't quite sure it was that easy. He felt guilty still that this was turning out to be so much harder on Shinji than it was on him; his scars had never bothered him one way or the other, they were just there, but they had never felt like an unfair advantage before.

"I'm sorry," he muttered, raking fingers through his hair and noting absently that it needed cutting. It was way past military regulation now, although it was still fairly short. "I just... don't like thinking of you trying to work like this."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji studied Kippei carefully, realised he was just trying to do what was best for both of them and gave in, grudgingly.

"Fine. I'll stay home. Call us both in sick." And he flopped back down onto the bed and hugged Kippei's pillow, inhaling the scent and smiling because damn it the pain was so worth it. "And then come the hell back to bed."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei snorted, half wry and half amused, and went to make his calls. His staff decided he must be very sick indeed if he was calling in two days in a row, and asked if he wanted a doctor. He told them impatiently to mind their own business and he would definitely be back tomorrow. Then he called Shinji's boss and told him in no uncertain terms that Shinji was sick and not coming in for a day or two. The man wasn't inclined to argue with the ambassador in a bad mood, although he didn't look all that happy about it.

And then he sighed with relief and shut off the comm, setting it to not take any calls other than emergencies, and went the hell back to bed as he'd been told.

"You're a tyrant," he told Shinji in a quiet grumble of amusement as he stretched out beside him again. "Hey, that's my pillow." Not that he particularly minded. He propped himself up on his elbow instead, looking up at Shinji with a grin that wouldn't quite go away.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"I'm a tyrant too injured to go to work apparently. If you cant defeat me what exactly does that make you?" Shinji put the pillow in the crook of Kippei's elbow and snuggled closer, delighted they got to spend another day in bed together. He liked working, but the thought of getting that sweaty and dirty was just begging for an infection.

"Stop grinning, its so not that funny." He wondered if Kippei would be sick of him grumbling at him instead of talking to him anytime soon. Too bad. It wasn't Shinji's fault his skin had still been in one piece.

"Kippei...tell me about those scars?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei kept grinning, unconcerned by the implications and not bothered by Shinji's irritation; especially when he was still snuggling. Closer was good, no matter what kind of mood he was in. He wasn't grinning because it was funny, but he was pretty sure Shinji knew that. It was just that this was so cool, and he felt so good that even the downside of it couldn't ruin the feeling of contentment.

At least, until Shinji asked that, and then he blinked, his brain coming to a momentary halt as he tried to figure out what the hell was the answer to that. He was bemused that Shinji was asking at all, not sure why he wanted to know, and not entirely certain either that he wanted Shinji to know all of it.

"Which ones?" he asked finally.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji thought about it for a while and realised it was a pretty unrealistic request. Kippei had enough scars to be able to talk about them for a month at least. So Shinji thought some more about it then nodded to himself.

"If I point to one, will you tell me about it?" He didn't wait for an answer, reaching around Kippei to where one of the deepest ones was and stroking it lightly. "This one?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei craned his neck, but he couldn't see. It hardly mattered. Most of the ones on his back were the ones he didn't particularly want to talk about. He looked away, stretching flat on his stomach and folding his arms beneath his chin.

"I got shot down and landed in the middle of a war zone," he said briefly. "Enough people shooting at you and they won't all miss, and that was before the building blew up right behind me." He tilted a wry sideways grin at Shinji. "Shrapnel does ugly things to you, but explosive debris can be just as bad."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji gaped a little and he was glad Kippei wasn't looking at him. His hands shook as the they reached out to rest on the scarred skin, wishing he could go back and...and just do something. Stop the building from blowing up. Stop the plane from going down. Stop Kippei from joining the war. Something. But there wasn't much room for wishes in reality and he leant down and kissed the old marks instead, careful not to touch the new tattoo.

"Where?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei hummed softly in appreciation at the soft touch, the kisses that he sensed more than felt. The question made him blink, frowning slightly in confusion. Where what? Shinji could see the scars, what was he talking about?

"Where...what do you mean, where?"

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Where did you get shot down," he demanded, frustrated. "Where was enemy territory, where did the building blow up...where!" He wanted to know and he wanted to hurt something very fucking badly. Most of all he wanted someone to go back, and prevent the war. Someone should have sterilised the Rikkai, then there wouldn't be a problem.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei sighed. It wasn't the only time he'd been shot down, but it was the only time that mattered--and the only time he didn't want to tell Shinji about. He thought about flat out saying, I'm not telling you this--but he'd told Shinji he could ask about things... about the story. The other half of the story he'd never finished telling Inanna.

"You don't want to know," he said tiredly.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji frowned, wanting to say he wouldn't have asked if he didn't want to know, but Kippei was right...he sort of didn't want to know. The whole thing made him feel ill; that people had tried to kill Kippei; that they had almost succeeded. He wanted suddenly, irrationally, to demand Kippei resign. But then they would both be screwed and Kippei would hate him. Kippei was military through and through and Shinji just had to learn to accept it. But fuck...those scars. He deliberately picked the smalled, faintest mark on him and stuck his finger on it.

"Fine, this one."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei rolled his eyes at him. Shinji had so obviously tried to pick something innocuous, well, that one was boring. "Didn't dodge quick enough when Micah was teaching me..." He froze, his breath seizing in his chest and oh fucking hell. That was supposed to be a good memory, and it was, but all he could hear anymore was the last desperate shouts over the comm, and all he could see was the blinding flare of the explosion as he came around just in time to fly through it.

"Teaching me knife fighting," he finished after a moment in a flat voice.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji blinked and stared at Kippei, wondering what that had been about and if he was ever going to get a complete answer out of Kippei about anything. It made him a little mad because Sada had the biggest mouth ever...and yet, Kippei didn't seem to know that much about him either. Maybe her mouth wasn't as big as Shinji remembered. Whatever, it still didn't seem fair. Maybe he could get answers about Kippei out of Sada...

"Who's Micah?" They were obviously important.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei was silent for a long time, fingers absently running back and forth over another small scar on his arm, souvenir of a friendly skirmish from much longer ago.

"He was my wingman," he said simply at last.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Now Kippei had Shinji's undivided attention. He sat up, his hand resting over the bandaged covering Kippei's tattoo and steeled himself because this he had to know. This was why it meant so much to Kippei, that Shinji had asked what side the wingman flew on. This mattered.

"Tell me what happened. And stop telling me what I do and dont want to know."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei snorted. "I know what you do and don't want to know, at least in some cases. This I am sure you want to know, but I am not sure that I want to tell you." He sighed again, feeling melancholy, and reached for Shinji's other hand, pulling it into his line of sight and stroking it, tracing the fingers and tendons and the lines on the palm, then lacing their fingers together and kissing the back of it. Distracting himself, while he thought about it. Telling Shinji about the second biggest failure of his life.

"I screwed up," he said softly.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji just snorted, already knowing that Kippei's idea of screwing up was anyone else's idea of a stupid mistake that was nobody's fault but of course Kippei naturally took the blame. He watched the way Kippei held onto his hand and it was the only reason he bothered to keep is temper under control, wanting to tell the bastard exactly where to shove what he knew and what he didn't want to tell him.

"You're not being fair," Shinji mumbled, and it wasn't fair of him to point it out but one injustice deserved another.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei twisted his head to look over his shoulder at Shinji, frowning slightly. "What's not fair? That I don't want to tell you something or that I think you don't want to know?" He shrugged impatiently and turned back to his contemplation of Shinji's hand.

"I didn't get shot down in enemy territory," he said bluntly. "It doesn't have to be enemy territory to be a war zone." You really don't want to know about this, lover. You really, really don't.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"God, I'm not a child!" Shinji snatched his hand back and rubbed harshly at the tendons himself, not able to describe even to himself what he was feeling. Something old and new at the same time.

"I'm not a child. I'm not...I'm not Sada. Is that what you think? I'm not someone you need to protect. I'm not someone you need to dumb down the truth for. I'm not someone you need to hide from. What do you think will happen, if I know these things that I dont want to know about? Do you think I'll lose something? Do you think I'll hate them? Do you think I'll hate you?" He took a deep breath, but nothing about it was calming. "I already lost everything, Kippei. I already hate them, and if the past can make me hate you then I don't love you enough to matter, and if you honestly think that then go back to the damned doctor and get my name scratched out of your skin. I'm not a child and its not fair to treat me like one."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"It's not that!" Kippei told him sharply, rolling onto his side with little care for his back, and leaning up on his elbow to frown at Shinji. "It's not any of those things. When I say you don't want to know, I mean that you aren't going to like it, it's going to make you feel bad, and...you don't want to know!" He shook his head, frustrated.

"Look, you think you want to know? You want me to tell you, I'll tell you. Most of that," he gestured over his shoulder at his back, "is from when your house blew up."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji stared wide-eyed at nothing. Okay, so that he hadn't expected. Te building exploding was his house? Why the hell did his house explode? Worse, who had been inside it when it happened? Where was Sada? She had no scars, surely she wasn't nearby, unless she was...under Kippei. Holy fucking hell, he was right and yet he was wrong. Shinji didn't want to know and yet he fiercely did. Kippei was wrong; that wasn't Kippei's failure it was Shinji's. He went limp, all the anger rushing out of him and it was too easy to forget sometimes, that Kippei had been there. That they had all suffered and Shinji wasn't even sure where he had been. He remembered the day after, on the ship, when it came on the news. He remembered rushing back but there hadn't been anything left. He swallowed hard, steeling himself.

"Your wingman?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei wanted to shake him; he ignored the question for the moment. "It was not your fault," he said in a low, fierce voice. "It wasn't. You can't just... look at me like that..." He groaned softly, turning over and punching a pillow in frustration. "Jesus, Shinji, I didn't want to tell you because I fucking knew you were going to blame yourself and it's not your fault, dammit." His voice was weary and flat and he rested his head on the pillow, letting his breath out in a slow exhalation.

"Because you regret it," he said after a minute without lifting his head, the words precise and bitter. "And I didn't want to give you anything to regret. Because I don't. I don't at all. But you do, and that makes it worth nothing."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"No...that's not it," Shinji frowned, annoyed Kippei was still ignoring the wingman issue. "I don't regret that you were there; you saved Sada. I regret that you got hurt doing it, but in the end you were doing your job and I can't regret that. I regret that you had to be hurt doing your job. I regret that..." Shit, he'd never had to talk about this before. No one ever asked, no one ever questioned, no one ever mattered. "I should have been there," he whispered. "It was my home and it was my family and...I should have been there. But you were there instead and thats...that's okay."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei raised his head, looking at him, just feeling damn tired all of a sudden. It was a good thing Shinji had started this exhausting conversation early in the morning, now he had all day to sleep after it was over. He had a feeling he was going to need it.

"Is it really?" he asked quietly. "Is it?" He shook his head, holding Shinji's eyes with a steady, searching look. "Because if you were there, and I wasn't, if you wanted it to be that way, then I have nothing. Not even this." And he reached out, his fingertips just brushing the bandage wrapped over the top of Shinji's shoulder.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"You're not being fair again," Shinji murmered tiredly, caressing Kippei's cheek and leaning in to kiss in the wake of his gentle touch. "But no. I wish I had been there; that maybe I could have done something. But I don't wish I died with them. I never wish that I died with them. I just wish I could have been there to help." He closed his arms around Kippei, kissing his head and smiling at home long his hair had gotten, far outside the military style it had been a few months ago.

"Do you wish you died, instead of your sister?" Because really, it was the same thing. Surely Kippei could see the accusation was unfair. Because Kippei had wished it but Shinji had no idea if he still wished that.

[kementur.livejournal.com]

Kippei sighed, and let his head drop, resting his forehead on Shinji's chest. Maybe he wasn't being fair, but he couldn't tell how. He supposed he saw the point, but he didn't think it was the same thing at all.

"No," he muttered, lifting his head slightly to nuzzle Shinji's neck and then smiling up at him, a faint, clear expression. "Not anymore."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji trailed his fingers repeatedly down Kippei's spind, careful to dodge the two halves of the tattoo. It was nice, holding Kippei, as if he could somehow keep him safe from the past which was impossible but it didn't change the way it felt. Shinji smiled and kissed his head again.

"So..the wingman? Whole stories paint a better picture you know."

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

Kippei took a deep breath and let it out, relaxing into Shinji's hold. It felt good, like a reminder of who he was and why he was. The reason that he was anything, anymore.

"He was my friend," he began quietly. "In flight school, and I got to know him better after we were assigned together. He was as crazy as I was, and had as little to lose. We didn't get the chance to become really close, but he was the closest thing I had to a best friend. We used to hang out together, go out and do stupid things--he could drink me under the table, and he knew a lot of really cool things like the knife fighting... I made him teach me everything." He paused for a minute, thinking and remembering, fingering the scar on his arm.

"We could have been really good friends--nothing more, because he wasn't my type and he didn't swing that way, and carried a chip as big as mine for his fiancee that died in another attack. But we were a good team, a really good team. We went through our first few months of combat with a clean record, and we thought we were pretty damn invincible. Then we ran out of luck." Kippei stopped again, his mouth twisting with the memory, and his voice turned short and terse.

"Full Rikkai battle party, two cruisers and their fighters outnumbered us by three to one. He covered me for a strafing run on one of the cruisers, and a Rikkai fighter dropped in on his tail. He told me he had it, and I believed him. I finished my run before I checked the situation, and by then it was too late. I heard him shouting for me to get clear, and then that he was in trouble. I came around just in time to see the bastards blow him out of sky. There were two of them, and I hadn't been paying attention, so the second one snuck up on him. His friend winged me while I was still blind from flying through the fireball, and I was out for the duration. The rest of my flight kept fighting, and I listened from the deck as they all went down." He shrugged, glad at the moment of the fresh wash of the burning sensation over his shoulders. "Just another minor victory for Rikkai."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji was quiet for a long while, as if showing respect for the dead, then at last he sighed and hugged Kippei a little closer. "Nothing is minor when someone dies. It's always an end, and a beginning and for someone it changes their life." It changed Kippei's, even just a little bit. But he had to smile, nuzzling against Kippei's throat.

"Is it wrong of me to be grateful you flew in that fireball and couldn't fight afterward?"

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

Kippei laughed, a short chuckle that barely deserved to be called a laugh. "Is it wrong of me to be grateful that you weren't there when your family was attacked?" He winced, immediately sorry he'd said it. But it was the same, to him.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

A startled jolt ran through Shinji again and really, he would have to get used to it; have to remember that Kippei had been there and seen it and knew the things Shinji only thought about in nightmares. He ran a soothing hand down Kippei's arm, tangling their fingers together, just staring at them and thinking of different fingers, holding different hands.

"You didn't see them, did you?" His other sister, his parents...the old lady next door, the nice couple across the road...anyone. Everyone.

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

"No," Kippei sighed, staring down at their joined hands. "I saw Sada because she was standing out in front of the house. It had already been hit once, had pretty severe structural damage. Anyone who was inside was probably already dead. I pulled her away, but she didn't want to go, kept trying to run back inside, but they were bombing the whole area into oblivion and I had seen them coming around again. I dragged her out into the street and just had time to cover her before they hit the house again, a direct hit. It went up like matchsticks. She never talked for a long time after that, and when she did, she would never say a word about her family. We thought they were all inside. I got the shock of my life when I saw your name on the manifest list here and realized who you were."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Like matchsticks. Shinji shivered, the house in his memories suddenly exploding in his thoughts and raining down..like matchsticks. Hit twice...no wonder it exploded. And Kippei really had covered Sada and the little brat had to be dragged kicking and screaming. It silenced her...Shinji couldn't imagine a silent Sada but she had never mentioned him. Had she really intended to let them all die in her memories? But she had a new family...maybe he would have done the same. But Shinji had registered the family deaths immediately; had wanted everyone to know his family was there, and they were killed.

"No wonder you asked to see me...I thought it was pretty weird for the Ambassador to want to see me in the first few days. I thought, sure maybe in a few months. And you looked at me like you had seen a ghost." He could at least laugh at that memory.

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

Kippei laughed, a little more easily this time, and kissed Shinji's collarbone, a gentle caress. "I thought I had," he murmured. "It was... strange." And then she wasn't my sister anymore. It had hurt, hurt a hell of a lot, to tell Shinji that he could have his sister back.

"You looked like her, but...she never looked at me the way you did." Kippei wasn't even sure what he meant by that. Obviously, Sada had never looked at him the way Shinji did. What kind of stupid remark was that.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji was a little stumped.

"You wanted her to? I told you you should just hurry up and marry her." He laughed, because having seen how completely stumped Kippei was around Sada had been pretty damn funny.

"She'll know you know. She probably won't even need to see the tattoos, she'll just know. That'll be a weird conversation. Hey, both your brothers really are officially now your brothers...god, she'll never let us live it down. And she'll want something for it...I have no idea what. To sleep in our bed or some nonsense probably."

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

Kippei was amused, able to imagine that only too well. "No, I never wanted her to," he retorted, poking Shinji in the side for his teasing. "I never wanted anyone to, before you, and when you did I didn't even know what to do with it." But he hadn't meant just that. It was all the small differences that stood out only once you got to know them.

"First all I could think was that you were so much the same," he murmured, stroking Shinji's arm in a lazy fashion. "And then all I thought was how different you were."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Ah so at last two eyes a nose and mouth turned into a flat chest, a deep voice and a dick?" Shinji snickered, loving being able to wrap Kippei up in his arms and rock him like a kid; something he certainly hadn't been allowed to do a few months ago.

"Mmm...your wingman was really straight and engaged? What did he think of your less than stellar sex choices? I hope he smacked you good when you came home after a beating."

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

Kippei shook his head silently. "He wasn't there for most of that. It was after. The first time was after that." After he'd been the only survivor only because he'd been blind and stupid and hadn't done his job. After he'd let his best friend die covering his ass while he did something that, in the end, hadn't mattered at all.

After he'd sat the whole thing out and listened to his friends and squad mates fighting and losing against overwhelming odds--fighting without him and Micah, the two who had been the best, and made a habit out of helping other pilots out of tight spots. It had all been his fault, or damn near enough, and nothing could hurt enough to make up for that, but he had certainly tried.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji's arms tightened momentarily until he reminded himself it was in the past and it was never going to happen again. Kippei was his now and he could protect him all he had to, to make sure it never happened again. His hand shifted to rest gently against the bandages and he pushed Kippei back far enough to be able to lean in and kiss him, hot and passionate but sweet and adoring at the same time.

"It wasn't your fault. It was just the way it happened. And it means you're here now. That's all that matters."

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

Kippei relaxed, slowly but completely, and he leaned further back, laying down regardless of the bandages and pulling Shinji down after him.

"It won't happen again," he promised softly, laying a hand on the side of Shinji's face to make sure he was looking at him. He wasn't talking about the fight, or the failure, not responding to Shinji's words but rather the protective feeling of the embrace. "It'll never happen as long as I have you."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji panicked a little, trying not to lean on Kippei at all while he tugged at his wrist ineffectually.

"Kippei, you'll hurt yourself! You shouldn't be lying like that..." But he seemed okay and Shinji shut up, studying him carefully to make sure he really was okay. When everything seemed fine he sighed and a small smile replaced his worried frown.

"I'm completely yours, remember?"

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

"I remember." Kippei wrapped his arms around Shinji's waist, relieved by the comfort of just holding him, of being here with him and knowing they belonged, forever.

"I can't forget," he said slowly, with his own small smile back. "You're written on my heart. And my skin." But his heart had come first, and was even more permanent. He laughed, a quiet chuckle as he leaned up to place a kiss on Shinji's shoulder.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Kippei's mouth was warm and wet and Shinji really didn't think it was fair that his shoulder got the attention instead of his mouth. He squirmed until he could kiss Kippei properly, pushing him back into the bed as hard as he dared when they were both still sore and reminding him, even though he didn't need the reminder, of just how completely they owned each other.

"I love you...you're such a closet romantic its hilarious but I love you so damn much."

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

"Mmmm," Kippei answered, taking his time appreciating the kiss, and then he slowly opened his eyes, grinning a little.

"I love you too. All yours."

And wow, he was tired now. "That was a damn exhausting conversation," he noted. "Any more questions, lover? You might as well ask them all at once."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"No," Shinji murmered. "I do want to know what they're from, but I don't want to know them all now. I'm not a total sadist, nor a masochist." He loved watching the way Kippei's eyes opened after a kiss; it was almost enough reason not to shut his own at all.

He stroked a soothing hand down Kippei's chest and left a dark hickey on his shoulder while he just watched him.

"Go to sleep, beautiful."

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

Kippei snorted and reached up to tangle his fingers in Shinji's hair, pulling him close and closing his eyes, savoring the feeling of having Shinji's mark on his back and the considerably more pleasant tingling mark on his shoulder and most of all, the way Shinji just fit, so perfectly against him.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji watched for the longest time, until Kippei's eyes stilled behind the lids and his breathing evened out and the fingers tangled in his hair went limp. And then he watched some more until his own eyes fell closed and he was a little uncomfortable but it was worth every second of discomfort to be wrapped in Kippei's arms, listening to him breathe and knowing his mark was in his very skin.