tp5: kippei and shinji

[shattermelt]

Kippei stared down at the note on his bed, and read it three times. Then he dropped it, letting it flutter to the floor like a dead leaf, and rubbed the back of his neck as he stared at the wall where, if this had been a groundbased structure, there would probably have been a window. Shinji was spending the night in Brown, to visit Inanna. That was fair enough. Fucking curfew. It was too late now to go after him. Kippei ignored the oddly crushing sense of disappointment, and went about getting ready for sleep the way he used to, before Shinji.

It was like saying before space travel, or before the war. Before something that changed the world so completely that you could barely remember what it had been like... but it hadn't been that long, really, and habits died hard.

Or not, because once he'd changed into sleeping clothes and stood beside the bed, it looked decidedly unattractive. He went out to sit on the couch for awhile instead, until he was tired enough not to care that his bed was far emptier than it should be. He fell asleep there, and woke up early in the morning with a stiff neck and cold from lack of blankets. Dammit. And Shinji still wasn't home, probably wouldn't be until this evening, and didn't that just suck. Since he was awake anyway, he went ahead and went to work, even though it was much too early, and by the time he came home again he was, for some reason, half expecting Shinji to still be gone.

Comments

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji hid on the opposite side of the doorway than he knew Kippei would come home by, and waited until the door slid open and Kippei was stepping inside, looking deciedly miserable, before sneaking out and reaching over Kippei's shoulders to put his hands over Kippei's eyes. He hadn't showered yet; had fluked getting home a few minutes before Kippei but he figured Kippei would like the scent of grease and oil. At least, he usually seemed to. Amused by the thought, Shinji reached up on his toes and blew warm breath over the back of Kippei's neck before leaning in to kiss the skin there, still not moving his hands.

"Guess who?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei relaxed, instantly and completely and for the first time today, leaning back into Shinji and smiling, just faintly.

"Shinji." He sounded relieved and suddenly content, and also slightly wondering, almost surprised--partly because it was still a surprise, an amazing thing that Shinji wanted to be here at all. Maybe part of him had been a little bit afraid that Shinji was getting tired of it, although he'd known that Shinji wanted to see Inanna and that was a perfectly good reason for him to be gone.

"Mmmm, you smell good." And feel good, and suddenly everything was just good.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji let his hands drop to Kippei's shoulders, sliding down his back and slipping around his waist, pulling him close and inhaling deeply.

"So do you..." But he wasn't saying or doing anything more until they were in and then he ordered the door closed, then he was on his toes again, licking at Kippei's ear and murmering husky 'I missed yous'.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei turned when the door closed behind them, letting his arms close around Shinji and hugging him tight, loosing a rusty sound of laughter at the way Shinji's tongue tickled his ear.

"I missed you too," he admitted, a little awkwardly. He felt silly saying so, and never would have if Shinji hadn't said it first, but Shinji had, and maybe it was okay, maybe it was normal to miss someone when they were only gone for a day.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Holy shit, Shinji hadn't expected him to actually say ditto! It amazed him and delighted him at the same time. It felt good, to be able to hold Kippei again. Ina was nice and squishy and gave fun hugs, but they just weren't the same. Smirking, Shinji walked forward, pushing Kippei straight across the room and into the bedroom, pushing him back onto the bed and leaning down to kiss him stupid.

"How much?"

[flamefighter.livejournal.com]

Kippei blinked, wanting to go back to kissing because that had been good, and trying to figure out what Shinji was talking about. How much what?

Oh. He frowned slightly. How were you supposed to qualify that? So much that... as much as... what? His eyes slid away from Shinji's, hesitating before he answered. Weird question, and it was uncomfortable to know how revealing the answer was, but he wasn't sure that Shinji would realise it, understand what it meant.

"Like flying," he muttered, a bit reluctantly. For just one night, and he'd given up flying more or less for good, but it was the same.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Like...flying? Shinji thought about it for all of five seconds, then froze.

...oh. That was a whole shitload since Kippei didn't miss anything at all in the same fucking universe like he missed flying.

"Well...there's my warm fuzzy for the day," Shinji murmered softly, smiling and gently taking hold of Kippei's chin, thumb caressing Kippei's lips while Shinji met the dark gaze. "I...I give you wings?" In a sense?

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei smiled, relaxing again. "Yeah," he said softly. Something like that.

"It's like being free," he added after a minute, shrugging. He couldn't really explain it anymore than that. It was why he loved flying, because nothing was holding you back and you could just... go, the most free and clear thing in the world. But being with Shinji was the same thing, like suddenly being cut loose of everything that had ever held him down.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Being free? Jesus fucking christ, who was this lock schmuck fool and what had he done with Ambassador Kippei? Shinji chuckled softly and his hands carefully undid Kippei's belt, pulling it and sliding it out from under Kippei then reaching for the zipper on his pants.

"Mmm...I should make sure I free...every...little...part of..you then, huh?" He accentuated each word with wet kisses across Kippei's lower belly.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei slid his fingers into Shinji's hair, like an anchor, though really he didn't need one. Along with being free came the feeling of being absolutely safe, as if he could never fall.

"You already did," he answered, grinning a bit and then exhaling with a rush as Shinji hit a sensitive spot. Mmmm, that felt good.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Mmm...before, but not this time..." He carefully tugged down Kippei's trousers, then stuck a hand under the elastic on his underwear, just playing with it for a minute while he kissed the inside of Kippei's thigh. He couldn't hide the smirk on his face. Tentatively, as if he had never done it before, he pulled Kippei's underwear free, tossing them across the floor, then wrapped his arms around Kippei, nuzzling against his lower belly. Naked Kippei was just sexy as all hell...even if he was only half naked, that was so not the point.

[(Anonymous)]

Kippei laughed, because that hadn't been what he meant, but it didn't matter. "Mmmm," he agreed, a little half smile lurking as he raised himself on his elbows, watching with dark eyes as Shinji undressed him.

"Trust you to start with the important half first," he murmured, amused. His own fingers started tugging at the buttons on his shirt and jacket, wanting to get out of the least comfortable part of his uniform.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji just stuck his tongue out, then put it to good use, trailing it down one side of Kippei's groin, deliberately avoiding the 'important' bits. He studied Kippei for a moment then, spread out on the bed, half undressed and just the sexiest fucking thing in existence.

"Mmm I talked about that with Ina. I decided I liked a guy in uniform, so I didn't want to take it off..."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei sighed, wishing that Shinji wasn't overthinking this. He'd already said yes, and he was a bit curious, he thought he might like it if it was Shinji, but it would be hard to explain how it was so completely different.

"I've done it before," he said quietly. He paused, searching for words. "It wasn't exactly pleasant, but it wasn't meant to be. It wasn't that bad, either. I wouldn't mind if it was you. I want to." He reached out, stroking Shinji's arm, wanting to reassure him that it was alright. Shinji wanted it. It would be okay.


ooc: shinji might want to ask a few more questions, but i'm not sure he'll get more answers. inanna wasn't the first time kippei has used sex in self-destructive ways.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji exhaled slowly, frustrated as all hell and a little angry that Kippei was attempting to be a brick wall, stubborn arse.

"What's that meant to mean? It wasn't exactly pleasant, what the hell? It wasn't that bad either? You want me to do something to you thats not exactly pleasant, just because I want to? Why the hell would I want to do that?! I don't want you to 'not mind' I want you to fucking love it! God!" He rolled off the bed, furious and grabbed a pair of jeans off the floor, yanking them on angrily and marching off to the living room, slumping on the floor near a contraption in need of a new filter, fingers digging in angrily, getting to work.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei sighed, dropping his head in his hands and tugging at his hair. So, obviously, wrong answer. He totally did not want to tell Shinji all of it. At the same time, he did not want this, either. Shinji thinking those things, thinking that he didn't really want it--because he did. Not just because Shinji wanted to, but for himself, too. He wanted to know how it felt when it was good. Shinji obviously enjoyed it, wanted him to love it and Kippei was certain that Shinji could make it that good. He just didn't want to have to explain how he knew it would be different.

"Shinji..." Frustrated, he got up and found his own jeans, following Shinji out to the other room. "It's not like that," he said softly, coming up behind him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just..." he ran out of words, not sure if Shinji was even listening and not knowing how to explain.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji furiously grabbed a wrench and didn't even bother looking, tossing it over his shoulder at Kippei, fingers already covered in grease and he was working too fast but it wasn't like he ever made mistakes anyway so what did it matter. He needed something to be angry at.

"Go away, I'm not talking to you. You never tell me shit, and you say its not like that and you didn't mean it like that but you dont say what you do mean because it IS like that. You DIDNT enjoy it, you DID say yes because it was me, and you didn't tell me someone fucking hurt you before!" He glared at the machinery in his hands, not sure if he wanted to scream or cry and just sitting there instead. "You were so fucking worried maybe someone hurt me, but did you ever once stop and think, oh gee, maybe Shinji would give a fuck if it was me."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei dodged the wrench, startled, then dropped to the floor, wrapping his arms around one knee and frowning in confusion. Well... no. He never had thought of it that way. That Shinji would want to know about someone hurting him, hadn't even occurred to him, because--he didn't think of it like that. But Shinji didn't know, and he was right; he wouldn't know unless Kippei told him.

"I'm sorry," he said again. "I'll tell you, if you want to know. I didn't think it was important."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"If I want to know? You didn't think it was important?" Shinji wanted to kill something. Kippei was insane. "Someone hurt you, like that, and you didn't think it was fucking important? You didn't think I would want to know? The hell?" He couldn't work. He tossed it aside with a loud clunk and glared at the floor, hands wringing in his shirt, needing something to do, tangled so tight in the material he was amazed his fingers weren't breaking he wanted so badly to hit something.

"Do you think I'm just as bad as them? That I would just...I dont even fucking know what! Was...what did they do?" The mere thought made him sick. "Was....was it rape?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"No! Not like that," Kippei shot back, horrified that Shinji would even think that. "If I thought that do you think I would ever enjoy sex with you at all? That would make me that bad too. I never thought that. It's different. It was different." He sighed, a long deep breath and slow exhale. He wasn't even sure he knew all the reasons he'd done it, it had just been something that happened.

"They didn't hurt me, not exactly. It was... I was pretty messed up. You know how I was, before I met you, all tense and... it was worse than that. Sometimes I get like that. I used to... just a couple times, when it was really bad and I'd done... things happened, bad things, people died. It was my fault. I just... needed to... needed something to hurt." He was looking away from Shinji now, studying the floor.

"Sometimes I went and got into a fight I knew I couldn't win, let them beat me bloody. I felt better afterwards, just... I don't know." He shook his head, knowing it was fucked up. "Like I paid for it, a little bit. A couple times, I went to a place like Inanna's instead." He hesitated, not wanting to spell it out. How did you say something like that to your lover? Someone who cared? Let some guy fuck me raw.

He took another deep breath, examining his clenched fists with a sense of detachment. "It hurt, but it felt good, too. Like... I don't know. Like getting beat up when I needed it. I know it shouldn't be like that, doesn't have to be. It wouldn't be that way with you. I want to... I want to know what it's like. When it's good for real."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji's brain felt full of static, unable to comprehend. He never sought out sex, it had just happened once in a blue moon, and he hated parts of it; like the parts Ina worked with. But he hated what Kippei was talking about more. That someone had used Kippei. That Kippei hadn't just let them; he had asked them. Maybe he begged for it. Begged them to hurt him. So he could pay for something Shinji was pretty damned sure had nothing to do with Kippei and wasn't his fault at all. And he wanted Shinji to...to...what if one day he wanted Shinji to hurt him. Because he 'deserved' it. He was pretty messed up? Before he met Shinji....fuck, fuck fuck! Shinji turned like a snake, fist smacking into Kippei's jaw and he didnt stop moving, flowing to his feet and glaring down at Kippei, tears in his eyes but refusing to fall.

"YOU IDIOT!" He was panting, needing to hit something himself, and realising he had just hit Kippei wasn't helping his temper. He had never been so thoroughly at a loss and so completely frustrated. "You...you...YOU! If you thought it was hard to get me to fuck you before, you've got no fucking clue now!" And he stormed off to find a shirt and jacket.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei had not been expecting that. He didn't know what he'd thought Shinji might say or do, but whatever it was, it wasn't that. The punch on the jaw hurt, but not as much Shinji yelling and leaving the room. Kippei shot to his feet, ignoring the stinging pain in his jaw, and went after him, catching him as he was pulling on his jacket.

"Stop!" he ordered, and he was momentarily sorry for the tone, but he was also frustrated and angry. Shinji was leaving, and Kippei didn't think he was leaving for good, at least he hoped he wasn't, but he didn't want him to leave like this, at all.

"Don't just leave, you fucking say I never tell you things but you're doing the same thing. What the hell am I supposed to think? I told you what you wanted to know, and I'm sorry you didn't like it! Why do you think I didn't want to tell you? I'm sorry, but no I didn't think it was important, it was a long time ago. You think I want you to do that? You think I would do that to you? You're the one who has no fucking clue!"

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji was so startled to have someone yelling back at him; throwing his own words back in his face that his temper momentarily fizzled out, leaving him feeling decidedly numb and scarily lost. He hit Kippei again...had tried to take off his head with a spanner. Had not listened and not been sympathetic at all. Had been about to run away in a huff. What the fuck, did guys get PMS?

"I...I don't have a clue." He was damn right about that but the entire concept was foreign to Shinji; he had never understood it. He sighed heavily and sat on the edge of the bed, letting his hair fall forward to cover his face, resting his chin in his palm, trying not to look at Kippei in case he lost his temper again. "I don't want to talk about this," he realised, disappointed in himself. "I don't want to hear about you getting hurt, asked for it or not."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei sighed, exasperated, and ran his hands through his hair again. He wanted to reach out, to hold on, keep Shinji here somehow, but he was aware that the last time he'd done that, he'd left bruises. He didn't want to do that again.

"I didn't think you would," he answered, frustrated. "I wasn't going to tell you. You asked. I didn't think you would understand and I knew you wouldn't like and I didn't think it mattered. It's a completely different thing, Shinji, that's not... that's not even sex. It was just.... I don't know." He was tired of talking about it too, tired of trying to explain something he wasn't sure he understood, something that was only making Shinji unhappy. He resisted the urge to say he was sorry again; it hadn't helped the first few times.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Fuck he was so totally screwed. He wanted, desperately, to know everything, but on the other hand he didn't want to know anything else; already knew too much. Kippei had had not even sex. What the hell was he supposed to think about that? He ended up just blinking at the floor, too stunned to move, adrenalin fading, leaving him feeling sick and tired.

"God, I'm a bastard." He hadn't been anything he should have been. Not a lover at all, more like a jealous prick. Jealous of people who hurt Kippei? Fuck no. He really was screwed up. "Sorry. Jeez..just. Sorry."