xp ficlet: In Dreams
Apr. 22nd, 2006 06:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shattermeltNote: this is after the most recent log. Warnings for weirdness, violence, and angst. Also, have NO idea if the science sucks horribly. Was not in the mood to do research. It's a dream, so... poetic licence? I was way overtired, and. This was me wondering what it would look like if xp Kippei had a temper tantrum. Yeah. >>;
---
In his dreams, he doesn't wait.
In his dreams he doesn't wander around like a lost ship at sea, aimlessly without anchor or compass. He doesn't spend a whole week without his center, with only the empty refrain echoing in his head with every step, every heartbeat,
Shinji is gone. Shinji is gone. Shinji is gone.
Driven into restless roaming of the halls, especially at night. Impossible to sleep in an echoing, empty room. Stifling in it's silence. It's sense of absence that only made his own more acute.
Something missing. Pain, loss, blankness, void, chasm. Vertigo.
Shinji. Shinji is gone.
Every step, every heartbeat. Shinji. Gone. Shinji. Gone.
Like a paradox, a contrast, an oxymoron. Shinji means here, now, present, life. Gone is everything Shinji is not. No Shinji. How can there not be Shinji? How can anything be without Shinji?
Numbness, shock. Despair, grief, anger. Frustration. Guilt. Fear.
Anger again. Always again. Give him back! My Shinji, my Shinji, you can't, you can't, you can't. Mine and I want him back right now. You can't do that to him, look what you're doing to him, look what you've done. You can't. I won't let you--
In his dreams, he doesn't.
Dreams are strange like that, non-linear. In his dreams he knows what happened, even if it hasn't happened yet. In his dreams he can change it, stop it, fix it--
His mistake.
In his dreams he doesn't wait for them to finish, doesn't wait for the time to release Shinji back to him, doesn't wait. He goes down and stands in front of the door, but instead of just staring, frowning, wanting, he beats his fists against it and screams his anger and unreasoning grief,
I want him back! Now! Right now!
It does little to make him feel better, and less to change anything. He doesn't do it for long. It only makes him more angry to step back and face the still impassive and uncaring barrier. Closed. Divisive. Wrong. So very wrong.
Hate. So much hate. Burning acidic vitriolic
I won't let you, I won't, you can't do this to him, I won't let you. I won't forgive you for this!
In his dreams he hunts them down, doctors or techs or scientists or whatever the hell they are, doesn't know, doesn't care, they hurt Shinji.
They die.
So easy, laughably easy, at least in his dreams, all the odds in his favor. He stands perfectly still and just watches, ignores their words and their insistence and their shocked, scared faces. Watches them try to move, weightless, and float helplessly, twisting and impotent,
Pinned like ugly butterflies.
In his dreams, none of them has a gun. None of them can call for help. None of them can stop him from fixing this. Justice.
Or not. Merciless and ruthless and overkill. Literally. Not exactly justice. Not for Shinji. Justice would be letting Shinji melt their brains. But Shinji can't, and it's their fault.
He can melt them too, it will just be messier.
Not as pretty. Which is saying something.
He grins, all teeth and fierce, and they stop haranguing him and stare, wary. Good. They are afraid. They should be.
Oops, he says, flatly. Wrong direction.
They fall, slamming into the floor like so many dominoes.
It's an ugly way to die, he tells them, conversationally, watching with detached interest the effects of many more g-forces than the human body, even a mutant human body, was designed to handle.
It's slow, and painful, and they can't draw breath even to scream. Suffocation, pressure, crushed. Silent agony. And bleeding from the ears, among other things. Crushing melting liquefying
You deserve this.
That, may be justice. Not for Shinji, not only, but for himself.
For taking him, for breaking him, for making me die inside without him. For being unable to breathe, unable to sleep, for pain and fear and grief, crushing. For his and mine and mine on his behalf.
For all of this, I judge you. I will make you pay, I will kill you, you will die for this.
And they do. One by one, slowly.
In his dreams.
---
In his dreams, he doesn't wait.
In his dreams he doesn't wander around like a lost ship at sea, aimlessly without anchor or compass. He doesn't spend a whole week without his center, with only the empty refrain echoing in his head with every step, every heartbeat,
Shinji is gone. Shinji is gone. Shinji is gone.
Driven into restless roaming of the halls, especially at night. Impossible to sleep in an echoing, empty room. Stifling in it's silence. It's sense of absence that only made his own more acute.
Something missing. Pain, loss, blankness, void, chasm. Vertigo.
Shinji. Shinji is gone.
Every step, every heartbeat. Shinji. Gone. Shinji. Gone.
Like a paradox, a contrast, an oxymoron. Shinji means here, now, present, life. Gone is everything Shinji is not. No Shinji. How can there not be Shinji? How can anything be without Shinji?
Numbness, shock. Despair, grief, anger. Frustration. Guilt. Fear.
Anger again. Always again. Give him back! My Shinji, my Shinji, you can't, you can't, you can't. Mine and I want him back right now. You can't do that to him, look what you're doing to him, look what you've done. You can't. I won't let you--
In his dreams, he doesn't.
Dreams are strange like that, non-linear. In his dreams he knows what happened, even if it hasn't happened yet. In his dreams he can change it, stop it, fix it--
His mistake.
In his dreams he doesn't wait for them to finish, doesn't wait for the time to release Shinji back to him, doesn't wait. He goes down and stands in front of the door, but instead of just staring, frowning, wanting, he beats his fists against it and screams his anger and unreasoning grief,
I want him back! Now! Right now!
It does little to make him feel better, and less to change anything. He doesn't do it for long. It only makes him more angry to step back and face the still impassive and uncaring barrier. Closed. Divisive. Wrong. So very wrong.
Hate. So much hate. Burning acidic vitriolic
I won't let you, I won't, you can't do this to him, I won't let you. I won't forgive you for this!
In his dreams he hunts them down, doctors or techs or scientists or whatever the hell they are, doesn't know, doesn't care, they hurt Shinji.
They die.
So easy, laughably easy, at least in his dreams, all the odds in his favor. He stands perfectly still and just watches, ignores their words and their insistence and their shocked, scared faces. Watches them try to move, weightless, and float helplessly, twisting and impotent,
Pinned like ugly butterflies.
In his dreams, none of them has a gun. None of them can call for help. None of them can stop him from fixing this. Justice.
Or not. Merciless and ruthless and overkill. Literally. Not exactly justice. Not for Shinji. Justice would be letting Shinji melt their brains. But Shinji can't, and it's their fault.
He can melt them too, it will just be messier.
Not as pretty. Which is saying something.
He grins, all teeth and fierce, and they stop haranguing him and stare, wary. Good. They are afraid. They should be.
Oops, he says, flatly. Wrong direction.
They fall, slamming into the floor like so many dominoes.
It's an ugly way to die, he tells them, conversationally, watching with detached interest the effects of many more g-forces than the human body, even a mutant human body, was designed to handle.
It's slow, and painful, and they can't draw breath even to scream. Suffocation, pressure, crushed. Silent agony. And bleeding from the ears, among other things. Crushing melting liquefying
You deserve this.
That, may be justice. Not for Shinji, not only, but for himself.
For taking him, for breaking him, for making me die inside without him. For being unable to breathe, unable to sleep, for pain and fear and grief, crushing. For his and mine and mine on his behalf.
For all of this, I judge you. I will make you pay, I will kill you, you will die for this.
And they do. One by one, slowly.
In his dreams.
