potg: Shinji and Kippei
Sep. 22nd, 2006 07:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shattermeltShinji woke in a cold sweat, eyes wide but unseeing as he jerked into a sitting position, wrenching himself free from Kippei's hold and gasping at the air, convinced he was dying. He could hear the blood thundering in his ears and had no idea where he was. He felt around madly, searching and finally finding warm skin, grabbing hold and forcing himself to calm down. He knew that skin, knew the scent in the air, knew the easy pattern of breathing. Kippei. He was at home, with Kippei, in bed. Just a dream...a bad dream and that was all. Fuck.
Kippei reached out automatically and wrapped himself around Shinji before he was even awake, though he came awake quickly as he was used to, puzzled and reaching up to touch Shinji's cheek reassuringly. "Hey, hey, you're okay, I've got you," he murmured, hands searching briefly to make sure Shinji was not hurt in any way.
"What's wrong?" Apparently a nightmare, which was disturbing, moreso to him than his own. He didn't want Shinji to have bad dreams.
Shinji didn't want to say anything, wanted to just be able to curl up and forget it, but it was dark, not that old sort of almost can see dark, but pitch black, complete maddening emptiness and all he could do was feel Kippei and it terrified him, so he clung and he let his tongue say whatever the hell it wanted.
"I want it to be you! It's supposed to be you. I want to get better, I don't want to be sick, and I want it to be you! Why can't it just be you?" God, he was so not going to cry in front of Kippei, that would be the most fucking embarassing thing. Ever.
Kippei felt cold, suddenly unable to breathe, and he held on tighter, rocking Shinji back and forth and swallowing hard against the ache in his throat. He wanted it to be him too, wanted it fiercely and intensely and more than he'd ever wanted anything else in his life. He hated the feeling of living on borrowed time, of knowing that the sand was slipping constantly through the glass as each fucking minute brought them closer to the end of everything. The end of time, because for him, when Shinji's time ran out the world was going to stop. Literally. And no matter how long it was--god, he hoped it was at least a year or two, but even then--it was too short. So fucking cruelly unfair.
"I know," he whispered. "I want it too."
God, he really was going to cry. Maybe Kippei couldn't see either? Shinji squirmed around until he could wrap his arms around Kippei and held on desperately, hiding his face against Kippei's shouder and neck, biting down hard on his lip and clenching his eyes shut. The world was so damn screwed up, but he reminded himself that had he not had the disease he never would have met Kippei, and that would be worse. Much worse. But still...couldn't he have been human and normal and with Kippei from the beginning?
"It's not fair!"
Kippei sighed tiredly, hearing Shinji echo his own thoughts and reminding himself that life was not fair, had never been fair and had no obligation to be. You took the cards you were dealt and you made the best of it. And however much he wished things could be different, wondered what it would be like if they could be, he was just so fucking grateful for what he had. They had. For them, for this, for Shinji.
"It's not," he agreed quietly, stroking Shinji's hair. "But I don't regret anything at all. If I had never known you, that would be worse, baby. Much worse."
"Of course it would be worse, I'd be fucking dead," Shinji muttered darkly, and it hit him suddenly, the completeness of that statement and he wondered if he wasn't more than a little suicidal after all. Maybe Kirihara had rubbed off on him. He whimpered a little and clung tighter, hiding in Kippei and not caring that he was. He couldn't see the world, so as far as he was concerned the world couldn't see him.
"I never want to leave you...I shouldn't have to if I don't want to."
"You won't," Kippei told him calmly, ignoring the minor detail that Shinji still had to go home every few days. Kippei was still going to be here waiting for him the whole time. When the time came that he really, really left, for good, well... Kippei was going with him.
"I'll always be here for you."
It helped settle him down and Shinji finally stopped biting down on his lip and let go of his death grip on Kippei, pulling back a tiny bit, more than a little sheepishly.
"I know. I just wish always was...really always."
Kippei knew better than to tell Shinji what he was thinking, that always was always, in a way, that he was going to be here for him in life and death and whatever else there was, but he only sighed a little and kissed the top of Shinji's head.
"I wish a lot of things, angel, but that doesn't make them happen. We just have to make the most of the time we have."
"But I want all the time!" Shinji grumbled unhappily, snuggling in nonetheless and sighing heavily, delighted just to have Kippei there now, and enjoying the hand petting his hair.
"I love you," he murmured. He wanted to say he wished he could see Kippei, but like Kippei said...it didn't make them happen, wishing for things. "I don't want to go back to sleep."
Kippei chuckled, curling up around Shinji completely and dropping kisses on his face. "You don't have to," he pointed out. He could think of a lot of other ways to pass the time. Sleeping was overrated.
"I love you too," he said warmly, kissing Shinji properly and feeling the shadows flee with a rush of pure joy. Anything, ever, was worth this. Having Shinji here in his arms, being able to hold him and kiss him and touch him, was something so incredible that it was worth any price. Anything at all.
Proper kisses, warm and hot and tasty and perfect. When Kippei kissed him like that, Shinji didn't feel blind. He felt like he could see the whole world, and yeah it was a different world; his own little world where things were what he wished for, but it was a world and he wasn't blind there.
"I know you do. I hear it, every time you say my name," Shinji smiled against Kippei's lips, running his hands through Kippei's hair happily. "I wish I could see you, right now. Naked and hot and perfect...I wish I could see you all the time and I know wishing it won't make it true, but maybe if I want it badly enough..maybe if I get better enough. Maybe I can see you."
"Mmmm," Kippei answered, preoccupied with kissing his way down Shinji's shoulder and nuzzling there, breathing him in and sighing contentedly at the familiar scent. He knew how much it would mean to Shinji if he could see, but to Kippei he was already perfect even so. It still seemed terribly sad to him that someone as gorgeous as Shinji was blind, for Shinji's sake, but he didn't mind it the way Shinji did.
"I see you," he murmured. "Naked and hot and perfect, and in my bed." He smirked against Shinji's skin, his tongue sneaking out to taste it. "Right where you belong."
Shinji laughed, low and delighted. He moaned a little at the tongue on his skin but shook his head.
"Maybe I belong in your bed..but I had a bad dream and I want pancakes and hot chocolate. Come with me while I make it?"
Kippei sighed reluctantly and sat up, wondering vaguely where the hell his clothing had ended up at. He didn't really want to move, but if Shinji wanted it then he was going to get it, and like hell Kippei was going to make him do it alone.
"What did you do with my jeans?" he asked absently.
Shinji blinked at him, curious. It must be weird to be able to see things. It did funny things to your sense of perception. Shinji shrugged and crawled out of bed, remembering how many steps and wandering out, naked, into the hallway and out to the kitchen.
"Who are you trying to hide from anyway?" He mumbled, more to himself than Kippei.
Kippei stared after him, perplexed. What? hide? He was up and moving, he was coming like Shinji asked him to, he wasn't hiding in here under the covers or something so what the hell... oh. He chuckled a little wryly and shrugged, giving up on the jeans and following Shinji out to the kitchen. It wasn't hiding, nor was it about embarrassment, it was just... more comfortable that way, or something. It felt weird to be doing something as domestic as making pancakes when you were naked.
He yawned a little as he followed Shinji into the kitchen, turning on the light since Shinji hadn't bothered, but Kippei wasn't quite up to messing around with hot surfaces in the dark.
The light was on, but the only reason Shinji knew was because he heard the click when Kippei flicked the switch. He didn't feel any more or less awkward; Kippei knew what he looked like naked and no one else could see. He didn't feel the light and couldn't see it himself, so he ignored it, moving carefully around the kitchen, getting out all the ingredients and pouring what he needed into a bowl with well practised ease, feeling good and not so blind.
"You want some?"
"Nah," Kippei answered easily, not really hungry in the middle of the night. He went about finding stuff for hot chocolate instead, making some for himself and Shinji both. "You go ahead, I'm fine." He leaned against the counter while he waited for the water to get hot, wincing a little as the edge dug into his hip and deciding that one advantage of clothing was not having to come up against edges and surfaces that were not designed for skin.
"Okay," Shinji mumbled, concentrating on scent and sound and warmth and pouring in the mixture at just the right time, listening and waiting for those little sounds that told him to flip the pancake, tossing them onto the plate and starting again. It was a little like a game, waiting for the right second and then acting, moving fast and exact so he didn't spill. Learning had sucked, but now it was fun and he thanked god for his mum every day. Lifesaver, much? When he had a full plate of them and turned, a little nervous, listening.
"Where are you?"
"Right here," Kippei assured him, picking up the two steaming mugs of hot chocolate and taking them over to the table. He pulled out a chair for Shinji and then took his own seat, picking up his mug with both hands and breathing in the steam. "Come sit down."
Okay, that was a little freaky, eating in front of someone who would no doubt sit there and watch, but Shinji so did not care. He made sure the heat was turned off, then carried his plate over, sitting down and winding his feet around Kippei's, reaching out across the table and pouring syrup in a straight line across the pancake before rolling it and carefully devouring it, never spilling.
"Mmm...! So good...oh my god..."
Kippei rolled his eyes as he listened to Shinji making orgasmic noises over his pancakes, still a little disgruntled that Shinji would rather eat than stay in bed with him, but he was trying not to let the sound affect him too much. Sitting here getting a hard on at the table and having to walk back to their room like that would be awkward, to say the least.
"Sounds like you're enjoying those," he noted dryly, amused.
"I had a bad dream," Shinji reminded Kippei, as if that explained everything. He demolished another one, slowing down as he realised that no, that really didn't explain anything. Kippei didn't really get it.
"My mum taught me to make them." And eating them reminded him he was loved, whether by his family or Kippei or both, just loved was all that mattered. Alive, able to eat, and loved.
Kippei sighed and sipped at his hot chocolate, because no, he didn't understand, not even when Shinji explained it. When he woke up in the middle of the night after a bad dream, the first thing he did was reach for Shinji and if Shinji woke up, then some fierce desperate sex was definitely in order. That was the thing that made him feel most real and alive and loved, having Shinji physically as much a part of him as possible.
"They're very good pancakes," Kippei admitted in the interest of peace. He didn't understand, but all that mattered was that it made Shinji feel better.
"Mmm they are," Shinji mumbled, continuing to make orgasmic little groans until there was nothing left on the plate, then taking a big gulp of warm chocolatey goodness. "This is good too," Shinji smiled at him, inhaling the delicious scent of it while he shifted his chair around until he was pressed up against Kippei's side, snuggling and happy.
"Sorry I woke you up."
Kippei shrugged dismissively. "I'm glad you did. I wouldn't want you to wake up alone, ever." He draped his arm around Shinji's shoulders and pulled him closer, enjoying the warmth of Shinji and the hot chocolate and the prospect of going back to bed soon. Very soon, he hoped.
Shinji just smiled feeling warm all the way through, hunger sated, desire for warmth filled with hot goodness, and starving for affection soothed by Kippei's presence. All in all, while he hadn't liked the way he woke at all, not a bad night. He finished off his drink and nuzzled at Kippei's throat, giving it the attention it deserved, wondering if he was leaving a hickey and deciding it didn't matter since he wouldn't see it anyway. Kippei tasted good so what the hell ever.
Kippei hummed his appreciation and decided that they were done here now, and the kitchen no longer required their presence. "Come on, angel," he growled playfully, pushing his chair back and picking Shinji up, carrying him off to the bedroom. God, he had his arms full of naked Shinji and they were both warm and happy and life just so did not get better than this.
Kippei reached out automatically and wrapped himself around Shinji before he was even awake, though he came awake quickly as he was used to, puzzled and reaching up to touch Shinji's cheek reassuringly. "Hey, hey, you're okay, I've got you," he murmured, hands searching briefly to make sure Shinji was not hurt in any way.
"What's wrong?" Apparently a nightmare, which was disturbing, moreso to him than his own. He didn't want Shinji to have bad dreams.
Shinji didn't want to say anything, wanted to just be able to curl up and forget it, but it was dark, not that old sort of almost can see dark, but pitch black, complete maddening emptiness and all he could do was feel Kippei and it terrified him, so he clung and he let his tongue say whatever the hell it wanted.
"I want it to be you! It's supposed to be you. I want to get better, I don't want to be sick, and I want it to be you! Why can't it just be you?" God, he was so not going to cry in front of Kippei, that would be the most fucking embarassing thing. Ever.
Kippei felt cold, suddenly unable to breathe, and he held on tighter, rocking Shinji back and forth and swallowing hard against the ache in his throat. He wanted it to be him too, wanted it fiercely and intensely and more than he'd ever wanted anything else in his life. He hated the feeling of living on borrowed time, of knowing that the sand was slipping constantly through the glass as each fucking minute brought them closer to the end of everything. The end of time, because for him, when Shinji's time ran out the world was going to stop. Literally. And no matter how long it was--god, he hoped it was at least a year or two, but even then--it was too short. So fucking cruelly unfair.
"I know," he whispered. "I want it too."
God, he really was going to cry. Maybe Kippei couldn't see either? Shinji squirmed around until he could wrap his arms around Kippei and held on desperately, hiding his face against Kippei's shouder and neck, biting down hard on his lip and clenching his eyes shut. The world was so damn screwed up, but he reminded himself that had he not had the disease he never would have met Kippei, and that would be worse. Much worse. But still...couldn't he have been human and normal and with Kippei from the beginning?
"It's not fair!"
Kippei sighed tiredly, hearing Shinji echo his own thoughts and reminding himself that life was not fair, had never been fair and had no obligation to be. You took the cards you were dealt and you made the best of it. And however much he wished things could be different, wondered what it would be like if they could be, he was just so fucking grateful for what he had. They had. For them, for this, for Shinji.
"It's not," he agreed quietly, stroking Shinji's hair. "But I don't regret anything at all. If I had never known you, that would be worse, baby. Much worse."
"Of course it would be worse, I'd be fucking dead," Shinji muttered darkly, and it hit him suddenly, the completeness of that statement and he wondered if he wasn't more than a little suicidal after all. Maybe Kirihara had rubbed off on him. He whimpered a little and clung tighter, hiding in Kippei and not caring that he was. He couldn't see the world, so as far as he was concerned the world couldn't see him.
"I never want to leave you...I shouldn't have to if I don't want to."
"You won't," Kippei told him calmly, ignoring the minor detail that Shinji still had to go home every few days. Kippei was still going to be here waiting for him the whole time. When the time came that he really, really left, for good, well... Kippei was going with him.
"I'll always be here for you."
It helped settle him down and Shinji finally stopped biting down on his lip and let go of his death grip on Kippei, pulling back a tiny bit, more than a little sheepishly.
"I know. I just wish always was...really always."
Kippei knew better than to tell Shinji what he was thinking, that always was always, in a way, that he was going to be here for him in life and death and whatever else there was, but he only sighed a little and kissed the top of Shinji's head.
"I wish a lot of things, angel, but that doesn't make them happen. We just have to make the most of the time we have."
"But I want all the time!" Shinji grumbled unhappily, snuggling in nonetheless and sighing heavily, delighted just to have Kippei there now, and enjoying the hand petting his hair.
"I love you," he murmured. He wanted to say he wished he could see Kippei, but like Kippei said...it didn't make them happen, wishing for things. "I don't want to go back to sleep."
Kippei chuckled, curling up around Shinji completely and dropping kisses on his face. "You don't have to," he pointed out. He could think of a lot of other ways to pass the time. Sleeping was overrated.
"I love you too," he said warmly, kissing Shinji properly and feeling the shadows flee with a rush of pure joy. Anything, ever, was worth this. Having Shinji here in his arms, being able to hold him and kiss him and touch him, was something so incredible that it was worth any price. Anything at all.
Proper kisses, warm and hot and tasty and perfect. When Kippei kissed him like that, Shinji didn't feel blind. He felt like he could see the whole world, and yeah it was a different world; his own little world where things were what he wished for, but it was a world and he wasn't blind there.
"I know you do. I hear it, every time you say my name," Shinji smiled against Kippei's lips, running his hands through Kippei's hair happily. "I wish I could see you, right now. Naked and hot and perfect...I wish I could see you all the time and I know wishing it won't make it true, but maybe if I want it badly enough..maybe if I get better enough. Maybe I can see you."
"Mmmm," Kippei answered, preoccupied with kissing his way down Shinji's shoulder and nuzzling there, breathing him in and sighing contentedly at the familiar scent. He knew how much it would mean to Shinji if he could see, but to Kippei he was already perfect even so. It still seemed terribly sad to him that someone as gorgeous as Shinji was blind, for Shinji's sake, but he didn't mind it the way Shinji did.
"I see you," he murmured. "Naked and hot and perfect, and in my bed." He smirked against Shinji's skin, his tongue sneaking out to taste it. "Right where you belong."
Shinji laughed, low and delighted. He moaned a little at the tongue on his skin but shook his head.
"Maybe I belong in your bed..but I had a bad dream and I want pancakes and hot chocolate. Come with me while I make it?"
Kippei sighed reluctantly and sat up, wondering vaguely where the hell his clothing had ended up at. He didn't really want to move, but if Shinji wanted it then he was going to get it, and like hell Kippei was going to make him do it alone.
"What did you do with my jeans?" he asked absently.
Shinji blinked at him, curious. It must be weird to be able to see things. It did funny things to your sense of perception. Shinji shrugged and crawled out of bed, remembering how many steps and wandering out, naked, into the hallway and out to the kitchen.
"Who are you trying to hide from anyway?" He mumbled, more to himself than Kippei.
Kippei stared after him, perplexed. What? hide? He was up and moving, he was coming like Shinji asked him to, he wasn't hiding in here under the covers or something so what the hell... oh. He chuckled a little wryly and shrugged, giving up on the jeans and following Shinji out to the kitchen. It wasn't hiding, nor was it about embarrassment, it was just... more comfortable that way, or something. It felt weird to be doing something as domestic as making pancakes when you were naked.
He yawned a little as he followed Shinji into the kitchen, turning on the light since Shinji hadn't bothered, but Kippei wasn't quite up to messing around with hot surfaces in the dark.
The light was on, but the only reason Shinji knew was because he heard the click when Kippei flicked the switch. He didn't feel any more or less awkward; Kippei knew what he looked like naked and no one else could see. He didn't feel the light and couldn't see it himself, so he ignored it, moving carefully around the kitchen, getting out all the ingredients and pouring what he needed into a bowl with well practised ease, feeling good and not so blind.
"You want some?"
"Nah," Kippei answered easily, not really hungry in the middle of the night. He went about finding stuff for hot chocolate instead, making some for himself and Shinji both. "You go ahead, I'm fine." He leaned against the counter while he waited for the water to get hot, wincing a little as the edge dug into his hip and deciding that one advantage of clothing was not having to come up against edges and surfaces that were not designed for skin.
"Okay," Shinji mumbled, concentrating on scent and sound and warmth and pouring in the mixture at just the right time, listening and waiting for those little sounds that told him to flip the pancake, tossing them onto the plate and starting again. It was a little like a game, waiting for the right second and then acting, moving fast and exact so he didn't spill. Learning had sucked, but now it was fun and he thanked god for his mum every day. Lifesaver, much? When he had a full plate of them and turned, a little nervous, listening.
"Where are you?"
"Right here," Kippei assured him, picking up the two steaming mugs of hot chocolate and taking them over to the table. He pulled out a chair for Shinji and then took his own seat, picking up his mug with both hands and breathing in the steam. "Come sit down."
Okay, that was a little freaky, eating in front of someone who would no doubt sit there and watch, but Shinji so did not care. He made sure the heat was turned off, then carried his plate over, sitting down and winding his feet around Kippei's, reaching out across the table and pouring syrup in a straight line across the pancake before rolling it and carefully devouring it, never spilling.
"Mmm...! So good...oh my god..."
Kippei rolled his eyes as he listened to Shinji making orgasmic noises over his pancakes, still a little disgruntled that Shinji would rather eat than stay in bed with him, but he was trying not to let the sound affect him too much. Sitting here getting a hard on at the table and having to walk back to their room like that would be awkward, to say the least.
"Sounds like you're enjoying those," he noted dryly, amused.
"I had a bad dream," Shinji reminded Kippei, as if that explained everything. He demolished another one, slowing down as he realised that no, that really didn't explain anything. Kippei didn't really get it.
"My mum taught me to make them." And eating them reminded him he was loved, whether by his family or Kippei or both, just loved was all that mattered. Alive, able to eat, and loved.
Kippei sighed and sipped at his hot chocolate, because no, he didn't understand, not even when Shinji explained it. When he woke up in the middle of the night after a bad dream, the first thing he did was reach for Shinji and if Shinji woke up, then some fierce desperate sex was definitely in order. That was the thing that made him feel most real and alive and loved, having Shinji physically as much a part of him as possible.
"They're very good pancakes," Kippei admitted in the interest of peace. He didn't understand, but all that mattered was that it made Shinji feel better.
"Mmm they are," Shinji mumbled, continuing to make orgasmic little groans until there was nothing left on the plate, then taking a big gulp of warm chocolatey goodness. "This is good too," Shinji smiled at him, inhaling the delicious scent of it while he shifted his chair around until he was pressed up against Kippei's side, snuggling and happy.
"Sorry I woke you up."
Kippei shrugged dismissively. "I'm glad you did. I wouldn't want you to wake up alone, ever." He draped his arm around Shinji's shoulders and pulled him closer, enjoying the warmth of Shinji and the hot chocolate and the prospect of going back to bed soon. Very soon, he hoped.
Shinji just smiled feeling warm all the way through, hunger sated, desire for warmth filled with hot goodness, and starving for affection soothed by Kippei's presence. All in all, while he hadn't liked the way he woke at all, not a bad night. He finished off his drink and nuzzled at Kippei's throat, giving it the attention it deserved, wondering if he was leaving a hickey and deciding it didn't matter since he wouldn't see it anyway. Kippei tasted good so what the hell ever.
Kippei hummed his appreciation and decided that they were done here now, and the kitchen no longer required their presence. "Come on, angel," he growled playfully, pushing his chair back and picking Shinji up, carrying him off to the bedroom. God, he had his arms full of naked Shinji and they were both warm and happy and life just so did not get better than this.
