xp rambling
Jul. 11th, 2006 07:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shattermeltIt's really interesting, the way Kippei's reacting to Shinji losing his memory--he feels very torn about it, because in one sense it's just like Shinji actually died, but at the same time, Shinji's still here. Kippei still feels like he lost him, especially since Shinji's not comfortable with a lot of the things that Kippei used to take for granted, being able to touch him and hold him and sleep next to him.
Kippei isn't sleeping very well at all right now. Which is something he's not used to--xp Kippei has nightmares sometimes but in general he sleeps much better than some of the others. Oddly enough right now he's not really having nightmares either; he doesn't have too many that are worse than what actually happened. (Which was, in fact, literally a nightmare of his recently, since the first time Shinji lost his memory--the possibility that it could happen again or that it could have been worse or both.)
Right now it's more like night terrors--he's just sleeping light and restless because he's used to being all wrapped around Shinji when he sleeps, and it's very disturbing to him to feel like something's missing, so he's doing a lot of waking up reaching for something that isn't there, and freaking out of his mind before he remembers why Shinji's gone.
He's very stubborn, though--since Shinji is in fact, still here, he's got this idea that he shouldn't be showing any signs of upset or loss, partly because it would upset Shinji too and partly because he feels stupid, grieving for someone who isn't actually dead. He thinks he should just get over it, buuuut it doesn't quite work that way. It's better now that Shinji's warmed up to him a bit, now that he's realized, hey, they CAN start over and they'll make it--it's especially helping that Shinji likes hanging onto him (what Shinji calls cuddling and Kippei would not call that but he likes it just the same.) It helps him feel grounded which means less of the panicking and irrational thinking.
Anyway, he goes back and forth between kind of forgetting that things are not okay, just enjoying Shinji's company and telling him things, and then something reminding him how very not okay it all is and trying not to lose it where Shinji can see him, which is pretty much everywhere. He's kind of just suppressing anger and grief--a few other things, but mostly that. He's not very good at letting it just bleed off slowly... he can vent a little of it that way, but not enough to keep him from feeling like he's strangling on it.
What he really could use is a place where he can let go of the anger without worrying about the potential earthquakes, somewhere to yell things and throw things and break shit and cause a lot of damage. He also really ought to just let himself cry--not just a little and not quietly, but sob and shake and grieve so he can move on. But he's not going to do either one where Shinji can see him, which means not doing it at all (not that he'd probably let himself cry that way anyway).
Thus, mood swings while he tries to just deal with it all being locked up inside, and splinters around the edges where his control cracks. He'll eventually (maybe, because i've underestimated him before) break apart under the strain of it unless Shinji figures things out a lot faster than he's probably going to. In the meantime, wheee angst~! ;D
Kippei isn't sleeping very well at all right now. Which is something he's not used to--xp Kippei has nightmares sometimes but in general he sleeps much better than some of the others. Oddly enough right now he's not really having nightmares either; he doesn't have too many that are worse than what actually happened. (Which was, in fact, literally a nightmare of his recently, since the first time Shinji lost his memory--the possibility that it could happen again or that it could have been worse or both.)
Right now it's more like night terrors--he's just sleeping light and restless because he's used to being all wrapped around Shinji when he sleeps, and it's very disturbing to him to feel like something's missing, so he's doing a lot of waking up reaching for something that isn't there, and freaking out of his mind before he remembers why Shinji's gone.
He's very stubborn, though--since Shinji is in fact, still here, he's got this idea that he shouldn't be showing any signs of upset or loss, partly because it would upset Shinji too and partly because he feels stupid, grieving for someone who isn't actually dead. He thinks he should just get over it, buuuut it doesn't quite work that way. It's better now that Shinji's warmed up to him a bit, now that he's realized, hey, they CAN start over and they'll make it--it's especially helping that Shinji likes hanging onto him (what Shinji calls cuddling and Kippei would not call that but he likes it just the same.) It helps him feel grounded which means less of the panicking and irrational thinking.
Anyway, he goes back and forth between kind of forgetting that things are not okay, just enjoying Shinji's company and telling him things, and then something reminding him how very not okay it all is and trying not to lose it where Shinji can see him, which is pretty much everywhere. He's kind of just suppressing anger and grief--a few other things, but mostly that. He's not very good at letting it just bleed off slowly... he can vent a little of it that way, but not enough to keep him from feeling like he's strangling on it.
What he really could use is a place where he can let go of the anger without worrying about the potential earthquakes, somewhere to yell things and throw things and break shit and cause a lot of damage. He also really ought to just let himself cry--not just a little and not quietly, but sob and shake and grieve so he can move on. But he's not going to do either one where Shinji can see him, which means not doing it at all (not that he'd probably let himself cry that way anyway).
Thus, mood swings while he tries to just deal with it all being locked up inside, and splinters around the edges where his control cracks. He'll eventually (maybe, because i've underestimated him before) break apart under the strain of it unless Shinji figures things out a lot faster than he's probably going to. In the meantime, wheee angst~! ;D
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Date: 2006-07-12 02:34 am (UTC)*snuggles him and gives him a Shinji plushie to play with*
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Date: 2006-07-28 08:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-28 12:03 pm (UTC)