xp log: kippei and shinji

[shattermelt]

Kippei carried Shinji all the way home, taking him directly to their room. He thought about taking him to the medical center, but whatever was wrong with him it wasn't likely something they could fix, anyway. And he wasn't in any hurry to let more scientists, however well meaning, anywhere near his boyfriend. He was worried as hell, Shinji looked terrible; pale as snow almost literally, and still out cold. Kippei didn't like it at all, but he had no idea what Echizen had done to him, or what Shinji had done to himself for that matter. He got cold chills all the way down his spine remembering that last sad smile Shinji had given him. He'd done something.

All he could think to do was get Shinji safe in their room, in bed, laying him down and curling tightly around him, wrapping him up and waiting for him to wake up again. If he woke up again. He had no idea what he was going to do if Shinji didn't, but hunting Echizen down and killing him was right up there on the list of possibilities.

Comments

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

When Shinji did at last start to wake up, it was an odd thing. He wasn't sure what he was doing. He felt weird...warm, what did that mean? Weird meant warm? It was seriously confusing and he opened his eyes and blinked, amazed, because there was STUFF everywhere. It wasn't dark like a few seconds ago and that was incredible and yet scary as all hell. He reacted immediately, clenching his eyes shut again and ducking under something that was near his head; soft and big and fluffy and it was dark underneath. But there was something around him too and he felt along it, realising it felt a bit like he did and that scared him too. What was in the dark place with him under the soft thing? Freaking out, Shinji curled up into a tight little ball, and held his breath, refusing to move.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

By the time Shinji finally moved, Kippei had fallen into a light, exhausted doze, having stayed awake, tense and watching for as long as he could before his body demanded some kind of rest. He came awake immediately when Shinji stirred, his eyes snapping open and a huge feeling of relief sweeping through him. Shinji was awake.

"Shinji?" Kippei barely whispered the word; Shinji was curling in on himself, burying himself under the blanket and he probably had a killer headache.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Some noise was coming from the other thing in the bed and Shinji damn near wet himself in fear, inching away from the other body and almost falling off the edge of the...whatever they were on. He felt frightened tears welling but for some reason couldn't even cry, then realised he was still holding his breath and finally took a long ragged intake of air, a loud whimper coming out, startling him so much he held his breath again.

What the hell was going on?

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei mentally cursed himself for even trying to talk, Shinji was obviously hurting, but he wanted badly to make sure of... well, he didn't even know what he wanted to ask, because Shinji was certainly not alright and all the other questions he could think of were equally stupid, but he wanted to ask them anyway. Wanted Shinji to talk back and hear his voice and figure out exactly what had happened and what the damage was. Instead he just reached out to lay a careful hand on Shinji's shoulder, uncertain whether that white, white skin would be sensitive and painful as well.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Something was touching him and Shinji cried out, drawing in breath and bursting into tears, having no idea what was going on, head hurting and demanding he look and see but he didn't understand any of it and it just frightened him more until he didn't dare more for fear of seeing something that just confused him more and his own crying was too loud but he couldn't stop it and it hurt and he wanted it to go away.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Startled, Kippei drew back, dismayed at the reaction, and then increasingly worried by Shinji's tears. What the hell? Even when it was bad, Shinji had never cried because of pain, definitely not like this. There was something... off about it, something odd and he didn't like it at all. It didn't sound like Shinji could get any more miserable than he already was, so he reached out again, placing his hand on Shinji's back and rubbing in soothing circles, murmuring softly to him in reassuring tones.

"It's okay, you're okay, I've got you."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji panicked, pushing away from the thing touching him and falling off the bed in the process. The whole room spun dizzily and he just stared for a moment, than curled up even tighter and kept crying, completely at a loss as to what anything was, including himself.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei swore under his breath, scrambling after him but hesitating before he reached out again. Was he really hurting Shinji that much? But his sobs didn't sound like pain. They sounded like pure misery, but not pain. He didn't know what the hell was going on. Shaking his head, he picked Shinji up again and held him firmly, cradling him close and murmuring soft words with an edge of desperation, something he gradually realised was Shinji's name, over and over.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

What the hell was a Shinji? Struggling against Kippei, Shinji realised he couldn't get free and just gave in, miserably clinging to the stuff hanging off the other...person? Person. Good word. Shinji clung to it and realised it smelt good; comforting and he slowly calmed down, halting the desperate cries and subsiding into random sobs. His head hurt, and he felt like he might throw up any second, and he had no idea what anything was. He frowned, trying to listen to what the person was doing making funny noises like that.

"Shinji?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei was just relieved that Shinji was calming down, relaxing in his arms and hanging on like normal, sort of. The question and the accompanying frown made him look down, taken aback and not sure how to respond. Echizen was the one who hit his head, but Shinji sounded utterly confused. Was it a question, or did he honestly forget his own name?

"You're Shinji," Kippei agreed in a slow, measured tone, unable to keep the worry out of it. "My Shinji. You."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"You're Shinji?" Shinji mimicked the words. Oh yeah, they were words. "My Shinji you?" That didn't seem to make any sense at all and only made Shinji frown more. The frustration was getting to him again and he felt tears welling again and bit down on his lip, refusing to just sit here and cry. He would figure it out. He would. As soon as he figured out what the hell a My Shinji you was.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei stared down at him, his arms tightening automatically as he shook his heead, in denial or incomprehesion or disbelief. Just, what the hell? Shinji was tiny and paler than death with tear tracks streaked all over his lovely, desperate face, and Kippei's heart clenched painfully as he listened to Shinji's soft voice mumble his words back to him without any apparent understanding whatsoever. He looked frustrated and confused and Kippei kissed his forehead, pulling him closer and holding on tight.

"Shhh," he whispered, "hush, it's okay. You're okay. I got you, now, it's alright." It was a flat out lie, and yet not. No matter what was wrong, Shinji was safe with him. They were going to be okay, Kippei would take care of him.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji just blinked at him, and then of all things he smiled, trying to make the sound Kippei was making.

"Shhhhh." It felt funny and he laughed, doing it again and for some reason he lifted a finger and put it against his lips, which only made him laugh more. "SHHHH." He tried to remember the other sounds Kippei had made.

"It's alright? You're okay?" Mmm that sounded sort of familiar.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei smiled back a bit sadly, realising that Shinji hadn't understood a word even if he'd managed a sensible response this time. He went back over to the bed and settled them both in the middle again, sitting cross-legged with Shinji in his lap, both arms wrapped securely around him.

Yeah, it's fine. I'm fine. He much doubted Shinji's powers were working yet, but he couldn't quite manage to actually say it. He sighed and settled for pressing his cheek to Shinji's hair, as silk and soft as ever, but pure white at the moment. He shivered slightly; this was all just so weird. Shinji was right here, and yet he wasn't. He missed Shinji, his Shinji, with a sudden sharp ache. Pushing it aside, he tried desperately to think. Should he take Shinji to the doctors? Maybe he had hit his head when he hit the ground somehow. Maybe he had a concussion or something.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

There was a weird buzz in his head and it sort of hurt, but Shinji ignored it and just watched the person. He smelt really good and even if Shinji didn't get what he was saying, his voice was really nice; Shinji wouldnt mind just listening to his gibberish all day. It helped him calm down and Shinji just sat there, looking around the room but nothing was as interesting as the person and his gaze just kept coming back to him. He frowned, trying to think of how to ask...and a word came to mind.

"Who...? Who are you?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei closed his eyes, hiding the sudden surge of pain that welled up with Shinji's question. Not his fault at all, but just, god. The last thing Kippei had ever wanted to hear from him, in a calm, puzzled voice as if Shinji were asking the time of day or something. Yours, he thought, but he didn't say it. More important was the fact that Shinji seemed to know what he was asking, so maybe speech was coming back to him a little. Maybe other things would be soon.

"Kippei," he whispered finally past the tightness in his throat. He cracked half a smile and attempted a joke, not that Shinji would find it funny. "Me Kippei, you Shinji," he said gruffly, laying a hand on his own chest and then touching Shinji's shoulder to demonstrate.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji looked at the hand on his shoulder, then at the place Kippei had touched on his own chest and nodded, mimicking, in reverse, placing a hand on Kippei's chest.

"Kippei." It was warm and he didn't want to take his hand away so he didn't, pointing at himself with his other hand instead.

"I'm Shinji?" Shouldn't he have known he was a Shinji?

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei sighed, a soft, shuddery sound, and then he nodded, biting his lip. "You're Shinji," he repeated. "You're my Shinji." He closed his eyes, feeling Shinji's warm handprint in the middle of his chest like it was branded there, and half wishing it was. "My Shinji," he whispered again to himself, bleak and fierce with despair. His Shinji, but he wasn't, exactly. Not right now.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Yours?" Shinji thought about that, and he supposed it must have been true because there weren't any other people here, and Kippei said it was true, and it wasn't like Shinji knew any better. But, he was curious, and he was remembering words.

"Why?" Why lots of things and... "Where?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei tilted his head, eyes blinking open in some confusion. Why what? Where what? He was still struggling to put pieces together, half really wanting to take Shinji to the doctors now, but fairly certain Shinji would freak out again if he did. He reached out gently to run his fingers over Shinji's head, searching for any injury that might explain this. There was nothing, and he felt relieved for only a split second before a hard, cold knot settled in his gut.

The last time this happened, the last time Shinji lost his memory... it had only been temporary, but this seemed worse somehow, yet he suddenly knew it was the same thing. Whatever had happened to Shinji in the quiet room, Echizen had managed to do the exact same thing to him, only worse. Trapping him away from anyone's thoughts but his own until he had no choice but to delete himself, or something like that.

"Why what?" he asked softly, keeping a tight lid on the sudden surge of anger and fear. This was worse, infinitely worse. Shinji had lost a lot more, and it was coming back slower.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Why." Shinji frowned, trying to remember anything at all but he couldn't remember anything. A few of the words were coming back, but only a skeleton of what he thought he should know and other than that, there was nothing.

"Why...am I yours?" He wasnt sure how that worked at all. "And...where...we are?" Or something like that. And..."Why...why don't I...know?" You. This. Me. Anything at all?

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei swallowed hard; his throat hurt. "You're mine because I love you," he whispered, and you love me, but he didn't even know if that was true anymore. "We're home. This is our room, it's where we live." He shook his head silently over the last question, not at all ready to answer it.

"You don't remember," he said finally, soft exhausted words on a long sigh. "You don't remember anything."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji had a lot of questions about that, like what was love and how did he know he loved him, and why, and why was this home ad where was it, and did they own more or just the room and why, and who else lived here, or was it just them, but he was stumped by the last answer.

Because he didn't remember anything.

"...oh." Why did Kippei love him if Shinji didn't even remember him? That was sort of weird. "Why?" He realised he was being unclear and tried to clarify it. "Why don't I remember anything?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei's jaw clenched, a muscle in his cheek twitching. "Something happened to you," he said briefly. "Someone attacked you and you... I don't know. You erased yourself."

He pulled Shinji closer again, needing to hold him and feel him safe and secure, still here and still Shinji even if he didn't remember. "Maybe you'll remember," he whispered, his breath stirring Shinji's hair where his cheek rested against it. "Last time... you got most of it back." But this wasn't like last time and Shinji had turned white. All the color bleached out of him along with his memories. Kippei had the sick, nasty suspicion that things were gone for good this time--a lot of it, maybe all of it.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

".....oh." That seemed a pretty good response to pretty much everything he was hearing. He did this to himself? That kinda sucked. He wasn't sure what would be so bad that he would delete everything, hell he didn't even know how that was possible.

"How...Shinji...How I...erased myself?" God this was annoying!

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei ran a hand through Shinji's hair, smoothing it out, stroking it gently and rocking him a little.

"I don't know," he answered quietly. "I don't know how you do it. Your mind... the way it works, you hear thoughts, other people's thoughts, or you receive them. It's not like telepathy, but it kind of works like that." He tried to remember everything he knew about Shinji's abilities.

"Like a radio set to brain waves," he said finally. "You receive and broadcast thoughts, change and delete them. I think maybe you need to, and when you get trapped inside your own head, there's no thoughts for you to take but your own. Last time, you didn't erase them completely, just scrambled things up a bit. This time... I don't know." He shook his head again. "I don't know."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"....oh." Yeah that really was a good answer to things. Was that normal? He didn't think so; Kippei seemed to have to think about the way it worked, as if his brain didn't work the same way. It made Shinji feel weird, though he couldn't explain why. He studied Kippei for a moment, then looked at his hand, not liking that he wasn't the same colour as Kippei.

"I hear them?" He remembered the weird buzzy feeling that he had been ignoring and focussed on it but it hurt and it was still like...static. "....oh."

"So...what...what now?" If he didn't remember anything, and it didn't feel like he was going to, what was he supposed to do?

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei shook his head. Totally did not have an answer to that. "How are you feeling?" he asked finally. "Headache, nausea, hurt anywhere? I think maybe I should take you down to medical, but..." he trailed off, studying Shinji with a concerned expression. "It's loud. There will be lots of people."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji thought about it, tilting his head to the side and shivering as something brushed his shoulder. He reached up and grabbed at it, holding his hair in front of his eyes and blinking. It was white. Was he an old man? He guessed he kind of felt old? Young people didn't have white hair, did they?

"I don't..." He didn't know how to explain to Kippei what he was hearing, so he thought hard at Kippei and something happened, something snatching at something in Kippei and feeding it back to him, nothing there but the empty static that Shinji couldn't understand. "I don't know the words."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei closed his eyes, wincing, and exhaled in a long heavy sigh. Shinji didn't know the words, didn't know or remember anything. Undoubtedly he had a headache, but he didn't seem to be injured.

"I know," he said softly. "Lets just stay here for awhile, okay? Come here." He stretched out on his side, pulling Shinji down to lay beside him and tucking him close, putting an arm around him. It didn't occur to him not to, although maybe it should have. Shinji didn't remember this, didn't remember him, and Kippei couldn't, shouldn't take for granted that Shinji would still want to be with him. It was unfair and would grate on his conscience later, the presumption of taking advantage of memories Shinji didn't have. For now, though, Shinji wasn't protesting, and Kippei needed badly, desperately to hold him tight and keep him close.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji flinched and curled in on himself again, not sure if he was supposed to be doing this. Did normal people let other people cuddle them like this? Had he let it happen before? Maybe...it felt like it was normal to Kippei, but to Shinji it was brand new and he felt a blush creeping hot across his cheeks.

"I don't...want...Mmm." He squirmed uncomfortably and finally sat up again, too embarassed to say anything. It felt wrong, lying down with a boy, and yet...he liked it. He liked it a lot. But he didn't think you were supposed to do that.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Didn't want... what? It was like a torrent of cold water, crashing over Kippei, aligning his fuzzy, chaotic thoughts into sharp, clear focus. He hadn't been thinking, but that was a hell of a wake up call. Of course, Shinji wouldn't know that they did this all the time. But you're my boyfriend, he wanted to say, my lover, mine.

Kippei almost bit his tongue trying to stop the words and caught his breath painfully, something ripping inside him as he realised that Shinji didn't know this, didn't want this, didn't remember. Kippei had lost him, at least for now, and the thought made him feel sick and dizzy--he lost control of his own powers for the first time in months, sending a vibration through the room, the walls starting to shake with the intensity of his emotion. He bolted upright and clenched his fists, locking down any stray tremors and controlling himself ruthlessly.

"I'm sorry." The words were flat and stark and he looked away, hurting clear through and feeling the beginnings of a headache himself.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

The room was shaking. It was SHAKING! Shinji panicked and jumped off the bed, diving under a desk and curling up in a tight little ball, whimpering. The whole building was going to collapse!

Only...it didn't. The tremors stopped and Kippei was saying sorry and he didn't look too good. Shinji slowly crawled out from under the desk and was going to get back up on the bed when his gaze met too huge foggy blue eyes. He blinked, and the eyes blinked and he felt something a little odd. Curious, he went over and poked it and was rewarded with a little leg swiping at his finger. It made him smile and he carefully picked up the little ball of fluff, staring at it, then lifting it up where Kippei could see.

"What's this?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei looked up blindly, automatically tracking on the sound of Shinji's voice, but it took him a moment to actually focus his blurred vision. He felt shaken, empty, like someone had torn a huge whole in his chest. It was worse than getting shot, but Shinji didn't remember that either. Not that it mattered.

"Cat," he answered mechanically. "Your cat." His voice died and it took him a couple of tries to say the name, though it was rough and unsteady. "Kii. His name is Kii."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji thought Kippei sounded a little funny and he felt bad, but it was embarassing, being that close to someone he didn't know, and he didn't know what to say or do anway, so he just stared at the cat instead.

"Kii...like you?" Had he named his cat after Kippei? Wow...he must have really liked Kippei. Hadn't Kippei said he loved him? "Are you my...." He tried to think of the word. Someone really close to you. "Brother?" Yeah that.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei laughed, short and sharp like the sound of breaking glass. "No." God no, and it wasn't funny at all, but if he didn't laugh he was going to put his head down and let out the burning, choking tears crammed at the back of his throat. He swallowed grimly, forcing them back again and shaking his head. "Not like that," he muttered. It wasn't like that at all.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji looked at Kippei and for some reason he wanted to cry, because Kippei looked like he wanted to cry and Shinji knew he had upset him somehow but he didn't know how, just like he didn't know anything, so he just curled up on the floor with the cat in his lap, staring at it. Why had he named his cat after Kippei?

The cat was madly licking his fingers and the static in Shinji's head grew more intense. It hurt, but he just ignored it and pet the little cat and it seemed to help a bit.He looked around the room again, getting a feel for it and then spotted the other bed. It looked comfy.

"Is that...my...bed?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei rubbed the heels of his hands in his eyes, fighting a losing battle with a fucker of a headache. God, was everything always going to hurt this much? He used to manage without Shinji--how did he do that? He couldn't remember, couldn't imagine not having someone so much a part of him.

"It used to be," he said tiredly, and winced, feeling guilty. That wasn't what Shinji was asking. "Yeah. It's yours." He couldn't move, couldn't seem to think of anything he could do that would be acceptable. All the things he wanted to do, to say, were definitely not. He couldn't help Shinji like this, but then, maybe Shinji didn't want his help.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Used to be? Meaning he usually slept...in the other bed? In...Kippei's bed. The blush was back and he felt like it was eating his whole head it was so hot. Shinji snuck sideways with the little cat, peeking up at his bed and figuring to hell with it, getting up and dumping both himself and Kii on there. The little cat kept licking him, which tickled, and it really loved cuddles. Shinji thought he liked cuddles almost as much as the cat did, but he didn't want to ask Kippei for one when he looked so miserable.

"Is Kippei okay?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"I should be asking you that," Kippei cut in, not entirely sure if Shinji had been talking to him or to the cat, but feeling bad anyway. He was so upset that Shinji was trying to give him space, and while he hated that, too, he couldn't seem to get a grip on anything beyond the fact that he'd lost Shinji.

He shivered, a trickle of ice cold terror running down his spine. He couldn't do this, didn't know how. Especially didn't know how to be around Shinji and not... be his boyfriend. But whether he was or not, Kippei was still in love with him and that wasn't going to change, and taking care of Shinji was still his job, and he was failing miserably at the moment.

"Are you okay?"

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji blinked, not expecting the question. He stopped playing with the cat, letting it lick at his fingers while he stared at Kippei, but he felt embarassed and stupid and ended up looking away.

"I don't know." He really didn't know anything; didn't know what he was supposed to think or feel or anything. He wished he came with a manual. Maybe he did?

"I don't come with a manual, do I?"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei chuckled, a little strained but some of the tightness eased in his chest. "No, I'm afraid people don't come with manuals, not even mutants. But if you have more questions I can try to answer them." He paused, debating. "Or I can give you a tour, if you want?" He was extremely apprehensive about taking Shinji outside of their room, worried that it would be too overwhelming, too many unfamiliar things at once, but on the other hand, Shinji had no experience of anything, and he wouldn't until they went out and did stuff, saw things, talked to people.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji shook his head adamently because he knew that while he didn't know anything else, he didn't want to go anywhere yet. He would much rather stay in their room until he knew what everything in it was, and got used to just having his cat and Kippei around, and then he would try out other stuff. He took a deep breath and focussed on the cat again. It wanted cuddles and it wanted to sleep on him, and it had missed him.

"I...speak cat?" Now see, that was weird.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei blinked, and then smiled faintly. "No, you're listening to it's thoughts. That's what you do, Shin. You're a reader--well, a receiver." And god, he was so fucking jealous of the cat right now. Not in the half amused, faintly irritated way he'd used to be, when it didn't really matter, but sharply, painfully envious of Shinji's hands touching and stroking and loving it.

It was, he thought, a good sign that Shinji was picking up the kitten's thoughts again. Whatever he'd done hopefully hadn't damaged the way his mind worked any. He decided against pointing out to Shinji that he could listen to Kippei's thoughts to, because he wasn't sure he could deal with that right now--much as he desperately wanted Shinji in his head again, it wouldn't be the same, it would be awkward and awful to have to try to hide everthing he was feeling even in his thoughts.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"....oh." Shinji just smiled and leant down to kiss the little cat on the head, laughing a little when it licked his cheek. He was tired and he felt more than a little dizzy. Frowning, he looked at the bed and pulled back the blankets, crawling in, amused when Kii crawled in too. Okay, so the cat slept with him. Cool.

Only it felt weird. Lonely. Cold and somehow not at all relaxing and he curled up tighter under the blankets.

"Kippei? You won't...you'll stay won't you?" He didn't want to be left alone; thought that would be just about the worst thing ever.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei laid down too, flat on his back, staring at the ceiling. He was tired as hell but he had no idea how he was going to manage to sleep without Shinji next to him.

"Go to sleep," he said gruffly. "I'm not going anywhere. Promised I wouldn't." Never mind that Shinji no longer remembered that--a promise was a promise, and he was never leaving, no matter how painful it was to stay.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Kippei sounded kind of mad, which was sort of scary. Had Kippei made the room shake? That was sort of scary too. Shinji ducked under the blankets with Kii and hid, but he couldn't help smiling, because if Kippei wasn't going anywhere, that was good. And well...Kippei was...really kind of cool, and good looking and he made Shinji feel...warm. So Shinji smiled and let his eyes close and went to sleep cuddling the cat.