oob: shinji and kippei - akira is dead?

[shattermelt]

Kippei was cleaning up the kitchen, getting ready for dinner, keeping an ear out for Akira coming back. Shinji was in the living room, he thought, and Akira was out running or something. Whenever he came back they could eat--Shinji had cooked, which was why Kippei was cleaning up. But if Akira was much later, it was going to be cold before they ate it. He told himself he wasn't worried, yet. Moving to the doorway, he glanced in at Shinji and smiled faintly--he looked like a sexy cat, all sprawled out on the floor, and Kippei couldn't tell from here if he was doing something, reading maybe or just dozing, but it made a very nice picture anyway.

He opened his mouth, hesitating briefly as he tried to decide whether to risk waking Shinji up if he was dozing off to ask him if Akira had called or anything--and Kippei was pretty sure that he hadn't, so maybe he should let Shinji be instead of betraying his disquiet in so obvious a way. The question became a moot point when there was a knock at the door. Kippei turned his head, frowning a bit. Not Akira, then. But they weren't expecting anyone else...

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[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Looking up lazily, Shinji glanced from Kippei in the doorway to the door where he was sure he had heard a knock. The frown on Kippei's face pretty much confirmed it, but no one was meant to be coming to visit and Akira didn't need to knock to enter his own damn house. Shinji was hungry and wished Akira would hurry up; he had cooked Akira's favourite too. Pushing himself up off the floor, Shinji made his way to the door, opening it tentatively, and peeking outside. He frowned, staring at the two policemen on his doorstep.

"I didn't do it."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei shook his head, coming up behind Shinji and laying a hand on his shoulder. Of course he didn't do it. No one had done anything. So why were they here?

"Can we help you?" he said politely, and if his tone was a bit wary, no one could blame him. His experience with the police was mostly associated with memories that went from bad to worse. This appeared to be no exception, and he frowned again as he confirmed that yes, Kamio Akira lived here.

Everything froze inside of him with the policeman's next words. What?

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Huh? Shinji just stared through the man, not really hearing the words, just that sinking feeling like the doorstep was turning to liquid and he was falling through it and he would have thrown up if he had eaten so it was a good thing he hadn't. His hand moved, searching, trying to find something to cling to and finally finding the hand that wasn't on his shoulder, clutching to Kippei like a lifeline, feeling a scream building and not wanting to let it out.

It was a lie. It had to be a lie. He would know; he would know if it were true. Wouldn't he? It wasn't true. It couldn't be.

Kamio Akira was not dead.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei held Shinji's hand tightly, feeling numb. No way. This was so much worse than somebody getting arrested again. There had to be a mistake.

"Of course, I can identify him," he snapped icily at the cop. "He's my boyfriend." Mine and Shinji's, and Kippei could already feel Shinji panicking beside him. His hand on Shinji's shoulder squeezed reassuringly, and with a curious white sort of blankness he agreed to meet the policemen at the station in a couple of hours.

Then he pulled Shinji inside and shut the door firmly, wrapping his arms around him and hugging him tightly. He couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't ring terribly hollow and false.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

The door shut and Shinji felt his knees giving out, grateful for how hard Kippei was holding him because he couldn't hold himself up. He felt slow tremors building, shock settling deep. Kippei had agreed. Did Kippei think it was true? How could he?

"It's not true," Shinji murmered in a strained whine. "It's not...he's not..." his voice was getting louder, more panicked and his fists wrapped in Kippei's shirt, demanding something he couldn't articulate. "It's not true!"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

note: a couple of hours, since it was going to take him at least that long to make sure Shinji was calmed down enough to go, and Kippei couldn't think of leaving him behind.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei stroked his hair, at a loss for words. He didn't see how it could be true either, but he was terribly, horribly afraid. How could it not be true? There had to be a mistake, but how could there be? The vague description they had been given fit Akira, although admittedly it could have fit half a dozen other people he knew--a short, slender young man with light hair, carrying an ipod and id that said Kamio Akira, and that was pretty damning evidence.

"Shinji..." he said helplessly, wanting to agree immediately that of course, it couldn't be true--but he couldn't say that. Suddenly it was all too possible that it could be true. It was like a bad dream, only he'd never had a dream about losing Akira before. Akira was sure, steady, dependable, always there. Kippei had never been afraid of losing him like this, because it had simply never occurred to him. Akira was dead? Just like that? Kippei couldn't even process that.

"We don't know," he murmured to Shinji, rubbing his back in an attempt to soothe him. "There could be... a mistake." Highly unlikely, but he refused to believe it until he saw it with his own eyes. Nevertheless, the fear lay in a sick, cold knot in his stomach, and he swallowed hard. Akira... gone? For good? That was impossible. It had to be. Please.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Could be. Not was or probably or most likely. Just could. Shinji felt the shaking getting worse and clung tigher, wrapping his arms around Kippei's neck and burying his face in his shoulder as he felt tears coming. Tears of denial or fear or doubt or all of the above he didn't care.

"Make it not true! Make is not true and I'll believe you I swear." Anything, anything at all so long as Akira was still there.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

That one little sentence had never hurt so much. I'll believe you I swear. Kippei shuddered and held him tighter. So many things that Shinji didn't believe, and now he wanted Kippei to practically lie to him, just because if Kippei said it he would believe it. It felt like Shinji had stabbed him with a knife.

"I can't do that, Shinji," he answered softly, his voice full of grim patience. "I don't want it to be true--" He took a deep, unsteady breath, and god, he didn't want it to be true. "I'd do anything to make it not true," he said vehemently. "But I don't know... you heard him." Kippei pressed his lips together, shaking his head. "I don't see how..." there could be a mistake. "But we don't know," he reminded Shinji. "We can't know for sure until.... until we see him." That's all I can tell you, and I'm so sorry.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

It wasn't enough; wasn't good enough, but some small part of Shinji knew it was never going to be. He was numb and trembling like a child but he didn't even notice, clinging to Kippei and listening to his heart beat, which really wasnt helping matters any, imagining Akira with no pulse, lying dead on a table and they wanted them to go...

"See him? See him dead and cold and not seeing anything and not moving and dead! I don't want to see that, ever and it's not true, it can't be true, he can't die. People can't die if you don't want them to..." But it was a lie, all lies; it was just the lie he wanted to be true.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei shook his head and picked him up, carrying him into the other room and sitting down on the couch. Curling up around him, holding him tight and close and surrounded in a rather desperate embrace, Kippei buried his face in Shinji's hair and just held on.

God, what would they do without Akira? Shinji was right, Kippei thought, shuddering. He didn't want to see that ever, couldn't stand the thought of seeing the redhead who had been so vibrant and warm and alive laying there still and cold and lifeless where he would never move again.

He realized he was thinking of Akira in past tense and felt suddenly terribly ill. "You should know by now that just because you don't want something to happen doesn't mean it can't," he told Shinji in a soft, bitter voice, feeling absolutely wretched as he added this last, greatest agony to the long list of things he hadn't been able to stop or keep from happening.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

That was so far removed from anything Shinji wanted to hear it was just making it worse. Everything just hurt and yet he wanted it to hurt more because maybe if it hurt enough he wouldn't remember why it hurt.

"It's not...true...I want him back! I want him back right now! Make them give him back, he was just running so he should come back soon, right? Make him come back now!"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei didn't answer for a long time, because what could he say to that? He couldn't do that, Shinji knew he couldn't do that, but Kippei couldn't tell him no. Could never tell him no, even when it was something as impossible as this. And Akira was never coming back. God.

He realized with a vague feeling of bemusement--he didn't really have the energy for surprise--that nothing had ever hurt like this before, and amazingly enough every time that he got to the point where he thought nothing could hurt any worse, something else happened and it always did. But Akira was dead. Maybe it hurt more because it was the last thing he'd ever expected. The white, numb feeling settled over him again, and he welcomed it, wrapping it around him like a shield and willing himself not to fall apart. Shinji needed him now.

"You know I would if I could, Shinji," he said quietly at last. "I want him back. God, I do." And if he was feeling like the heart had been ripped out of him, how must Shinji feel, who'd known Akira all his life? The thought occurred to him that it should have been him, that if Shinji was going to lose anyone it should have been him. Not Akira.

Akira was so much a part of Shinji that Kippei couldn't imagine one without the other. And he needed them both--part of his mind in the back of his head was screaming, and for Shinji it must be deafening; or maybe he couldn't hear anything at all because losing Akira was going to kill him too. Kippei knew he was going to see Shinji fall apart like he never had before--just please, god, no. This can't be happening.

"If I could do anything, if I could die and give him back to you, I would." His voice was rough and raw and hurting, and he wrapped his arms more tightly around Shinji and just closed his eyes and wished that he didn't have to think about it. Akira. I want him back too...

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"NO!" Shinji damn near screamed against Kippei's chest, hitting him hard, angry, wanting to backward in time and tell Akira not to go, or to go with him, just anything to make it different. It was like opening a floodgate, words spilling out of Shinji like blood. Like Aki's blood must have been spilt, somewhere.

"No, you can't die and he can't die I can't lose either of you but they said he was dead which means he's already gone but I dont want that to be true, make it not true, someone must have been able to do something, no one can be gone, not again, I dont want people gone again, and where is he? He should be home by now! I cooked his favourite dinner and everything, he should want to come home and eat it soon. Maybe we should go look for him or something, he might have got lost, we haven't lived here that long...He's not gone, he's just lost is all and we have to go find him!"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei knew what this emotion was now... that incredible sadness, the tearing sense of loss choking him was grief. He'd never really lost anyone before, not like this. Akira... was... dead. Nowhere in the world, not coming back ever. They couldn't find him. No matter how far they went, how hard they looked, they could never find him again. And it hurt to hear Shinji saying that, as if it were that easy, when Kippei knew there was nothing they could do.

"Shinji, stop it!" He captured Shinji's hands, holding them tightly in one of his, stroking his hair back from his face and pulling him close again. "I know, okay? I know how you feel. I can't lose you either, not either of you, and I don't know how... how we can do this, but it happens. It's life. People die. We can't change that."

He paused, hating himself for having to say such hurtful things, but neither could he stand to see Shinji just refusing to believe it. "Do you want to go see him tonight? I told them we would come, but we can call and tell them we'll come tomorrow. That's the only way we'll know for sure." Kippei wasn't sure he wanted to, didn't want to see that final incontrovertible evidence, but at the same time, he wanted to be certain. That tiny insistent hope that just wouldn't die, that insisted there must be some mistake, hurt more than all the rest.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Well that's not good enough! We should be able to change it; people shouldn't die." Shinji knew he was being unreasonable but he couldn't help it. He wanted Akira and he wanted him now. "I want to see him tonight, and every night just like every night already...I want to see him all the time, just like always. That shouldn't be too much to ask for!"

Shinji struggled against Kippei's hold but couldn't break it and slumped against him, struggling for breath around the tears starting to choke him.

"I can't do this."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

"It's not," Kippei whispered, bowing his head and stroking Shinji's back in slow, steady motions. "It's not too much to ask. It's the way it should be." But just because you could ask for it, didn't mean you could have it.

You can do it, he wanted to say, you can do anything. But this, this one thing--it was too big and it hurt too much and Kippei wasn't sure that they could. But he knew they shouldn't have to, and Shinji was right. It wasn't good enough. It was wrong, wrong, wrong on so many levels. No Akira. Kippei felt like he couldn't breathe any better than Shinji. How could there be life without Akira?

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji could almost feel the slow slide into sadness happening in Kippei and it just made his own worse; that Akira was gone and Kippei was suffering. He didn't want to deal with it, didn't think he could. The way it should be wasn't the way it was and it wasn't going to change. Akira was gone. Dead and cold and ready to be buried. A choked sob broke loose and Shinji couldn't hold it back anymore, muffling his scream against Kippei, wanting something he couldn't have ever again. He was screaming and it was stupid but it helped a little and he couldn't stop because Akira wasn't there to tell him to shut up.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Somehow it helped a little bit to hear Shinji screaming, a sound of pain and anger and defiance that wouldn't be quieted, something that Kippei himself didn't think he was capable of, but it still felt better somehow to hear it given voice.

Kippei shifted to draw his legs up beneath him, crossing them and nestling Shinji there against him, wrapping both arms completely around him and just hanging on, being strength and warmth to contain the storm. Letting Shinji cry and sob and scream for both of them, because the sheer anguish of something this devastating, something this important missing all the time, for always, ever again--that deserved to be heard.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji couldn't say how long it went on, but eventually he fell quiet, the screams giving way to broken sobs and desperate whines that he might have been ashamed of if anyone else saw, but it was Kippei and he understood. He knew how it felt, even if he didn't say it in the same way. Shinji felt tired; weary in his very soul, a quiet black mood settling over him while he tried to pull himeslf together, even if it was just for Kippei. He deserved better from Shinji.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, voice barely even there and he wished he could scream more and louder until someone heard him and gave Akira back but that wasn't going to happen. He was gone, gone, gone and Shinji felt terribly guilty for wanting to go with him, to take Kippei with them and just go wherever Aki went. "I'm so sorry."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei kissed his hair, and his forehead, and anywhere he could reach, feeling somehow relieved and now just... aching somewhere deep inside, like an invisible bruise. It was easier to deal with than the immediate shock of fear and anger--this was a longer, lingering yearning, but at least he could breathe around it.

"I know," he answered quietly. "So am I." More sorry than anything, and god, he wished he could change it or fix it or anything other than just try to find a way to accept something that was unacceptable. Unthinkable, he would have said yesterday.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Kippei knew, understood; knew everything. It was a relief, of sorts. Shinji just held on to him, suddenly filled with the irrational fear that if he let go Kippei would leave to, in that same forever way as Akira and he would be alone. Completely alone.

"I just want him back. I want him back so much..." He couldn't begin to explain how much, but that was okay because Kippei already knew that too.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei didn't think that was the end of it, not by a long shot... once Shinji got over the initial shock of it, it would get worse, but that might take a day or two. In the meantime he just held him as tightly as he could, trying to make sure Shinji knew that he wasn't going anywhere and somehow, the two of them would do this together. But no Akira ever again.

"I know," he said again, and god that was such a useless thing to say, but it was the only thing he had. I know. I understand. I feel the same way. I want him back so much.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"I have to see him," Shinji said suddenly, struggling against Kippei's hold, as if the storm having passed were now replaced with a desperate need to be doing something and making sure it was true and seeing it with his own eyes. He had to see him and say goodbye and I love you and I'm sorry and take me with you.

"Now. We have to go now!"

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei nodded silently, releasing him and standing up, studying him worriedly but feeling the same insistence, the certainty that he had to see this to believe it, that maybe somehow it could not be true and he couldn't quite crush that hope without seeing it for himself. But it hurt, it hurt so damn much to think of it.

Not trusting himself to speak, he handed Shinji his coat, finding his own and his shoes and remembering blankly that Akira's weren't here, because he'd been wearing them. They should be here. Akira should be here. He took a deep, aching breath.

"Okay," he said softly. "Lets go."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Restless. Too fidgity. Shinji could tell he was in shock, because his hands were almost too cold to pull on the jacket and yet he couldn't feel it, too numb to care that he had to put on the jacket; he wouldn't have noticed, for once, if he hadn't. He shoved one hand in his pocket and reached for Kippei's with the other, still clinging, not sure what might happen if he just shoved the other in a pocket too.

It felt good, to move, to do something, even if it was go make sure it was real. It was almost tempting to just go to bed and pretend it wasn't and just wait for Akira to come home, no matter how long it took. But moving was good too.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei kept looking sideways at him, concerned, but how could he tell Shinji not to fall apart? Not to freak out on him? Hell, he was this close to freaking out himself, somewhere beyond that comforting white noise that was blanking out all other thoughts in his head.

He pulled Shinji closer, tucking both their hands into his pocket and determinedly not thinking about anything, especially where they were going. Akira wasn't dead. He couldn't be. Kippei gritted his teeth, and kept walking. One foot in front of the other, just like that, and it seemed impossible that he was doing something so mundane as walking when Akira was.... never going to walk or run or play tennis again. God, he hurt all over.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

His hand in Kippei's pocket felt weird, burning almost as if it were the only thing in him that could retain heat any more. Shinji stared at his wrist where it disappeared in there for a long time before he looked away and watched te ground while they walked, nibbling at his lip distractedly, still fighting off the urge to run back to the house and hide under the bed and scream for days. The only reason he was going at all was the tiniest hint that it might be true; that it wasn't true unless he saw it, and maybe if he never saw it then it would never be true...maybe there wouldn't be a body at the morgue at all. But that was stupid the police wouldn't say there was if there wasn't and he found himself clinging tighter to Kippei's fingers, so tight it had to be hurting but they were nearly there so Kippei didn't really mind, did he? Oh god, they were nearly there.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei thought distantly that Shinji's grip on his hand ought to hurt, and it did, but not because it was too tight. It felt like silent screaming, as if Shinji hadn't really ever stopped, and the sound went on inside his head. Kippei felt it too, the pressure in the back of his mind, the knowledge that if he let himself think too much he might start screaming too, and not stop. Or maybe he would just throw things, or find someone to blame, someone to hurt for this. He wanted to do something, anything, but there was nothing he could do that would make it better. Somehow that was the most depressing thing of all.

He stopped outside of the cold grey building and stared dully at it, reluctant to go inside, afraid, and yet that crazy little bit of something like hope was demanding that he had to see, had to know because it couldn't be true until he saw it.

"You ready?" he asked Shinji softly.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Not trusting his voice right now, Shinji just nodded, shifting a little behind Kippei, completely terrified of what they might find inside. He repeated in his head a silent litany of 'this isn't happening's but it wasn't helping much at all.

"I'm scared," he suddenly blurted out and then just stared, pale faced at the pavement because god, scared wasn't the right word for it and it wasn't helping anyone by admitting it and he just wanted Akira back. Wanted to hold his hand and drag him home and tie him to the bed and make sure he never went anywhere again and damnit he was not going to cry again in front of morgue people!

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei pulled his hand out of his pocket and wrapped both arms tightly around Shinji, not really caring where they were or who might see them, only thinking that Shinji needed him right now, and this was the only thing he could do. I'm here, I'm scared too, but we'll go in together.

A flash of pain hit him like a sudden, sharp knife, because he wanted Akira here so badly he could feel it like a physical injury, that gaping space where he wasn't. He'd said together, but they were only two instead of three, and that was just wrong. And it was always going to be wrong, he could only look forward to years of this, for the rest of his life there was always going to be something missing and god, he couldn't breathe.

"I'm sorry," he murmured to Shinji, more because he was suddenly holding on too tightly, hard enough to bruise, than as a reply to what Shinji had said.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Having Kippei hug him, hard and desperate like he was only just realising what it meant, only made Shinji want to cry more. He held it back and settled for hugging him back just as tightly, desperate with the longing to see it was a lie and knowing it wasn't going to happen. Quietly, he pulled away and took Kippei's hand again and walked in, paying no attention to anything, just walking up to the desk and saying Akira's name, hoping that was enough because nothing else was coming out of his mouth any time soon.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

The lady at the desk gave them a curious look, and Kippei hated her with the sudden fierce irrationality of grief that has been intruded on by an uncaring world. She didn't know who Akira was, or who they were, or how they knew him--all she knew was that they could identify him.

We sure as hell can, Kippei wanted to snarl at her, and that was stupid, because it wasn't her fault that she didn't care--but identification was such a clinical word for the way that Kippei knew Akira, knew what he felt like and smelled and tasted like, every damn inch of him, never mind how he looked. But he knew that too, knew every mark and tan line, every pale arch and curve of muscle on Akira's body, knew his smile and silly, sexy blush and the clear blue eyes and bright, sunfire hair.

Asking him if he could identify his boyfriend was almost like an insult, it made him unreasonably angry somehow that anyone had to ask. But of course, that was their job and they didn't know who he was, or Shinji, or what Akira was to them. So he held his tongue and let Shinji pull him down the hall, following her directions. Trying not to think about the terrifying reality that there would come a day when he didn't know Akira so well anymore, when he couldn't remember every detail like it was yesterday. He didn't want to lose a single memory, since they were all he had left--but eventually, inevitably he would.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Kippei was like a stone at his side, hard and cold and filled to the brim to near bursting with...regret? Anger? Despair? Shinji couldn't begin to say. He just took his hand and pulled him along with him, not wanting to go alone and knowing for once he didn't have to. He was shaking so badly he had to wrap his arms around himself once he opened the door, clenching his eyes shut as he stepped inside, not game to look.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Shinji was shaking. Kippei shook his head to clear it, because the only thing that mattered right now was that they had to walk in here and look and Shinji was shaking as if he were about to fall apart again. Kippei looked over at him as he came into the room, eyes fixed on Shinji because that meant he didn't have to look at anything else yet, and Shinji's eyes were closed as if he couldn't look yet either.

Kippei took a deep breath, and it burned raw and dry in his lungs, like the surface of his eyes when he blinked. He wanted to just stand here for awhile and hold Shinji and tell him it was going to be alright, but that would be a lie and it wouldn't help; unless maybe it would make him feel better. But he was pretty sure nothing could do that just now, and they just... had to look.

He put his arm around Shinji, feeling rather as if he were holding him up, and walked him slowly over the white covered stretcher and the technician waiting to uncover it for them.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

They were moving, Kippei's arms around his shoulders but he couldnt stop shaking and Shinji didn't open his eyes until they had stopped again and then they flew open, staring at the white sheet and he frowned a little because the sheet seemed taller than him, or the body under it did and Akira was the same height but it was probably just his eyes playing tricks on him, not that they had ever done that before but he thought now would be a pretty good time for them to start. Then the sheet was being peeled back and oh god there was a hole in the side of that guy's head and Shinji stared at it for the first time while he registered the hair not being red enough, and the ear being the wrong shape and the skin too tanned and...oh god. Oh god, oh god, oh god.

"You lied..." Shinji stared at the hole in the head where it must have hit the gravel, smashed like a watermelon. He could see the brain. "You all lied..." He was grateful, so spectacularly grateful, but at the same time he felt worse, filled with the immediate need to have Akira there, alive, where he could touch him and never let him go. "Where is he? Where's Aki? Where did you put him? What did you do? Where is Akira, I want him now!" It did not occurr to Shinji that he was screaming at a corpse, nor that he would not be getting any response.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei just stared, in complete, absolute blank shock. Akira... wasn't... that wasn't Akira. Akira wasn't dead. Jesus, Akira wasn't dead. That was all he had time to register before Shinji started yelling and Kippei had the sudden bizarre urge to laugh, which would be rather rude and he shouldn't do that here, but oh god, Akira wasn't dead.

He felt lightheaded, strange, as if someone had taken him apart and put him back together again, and not gotten all of the pieces right. Akira wasn't dead. But Shinji was yelling and he had a point--if this wasn't Akira, where was he? And why did he have Akira's things? Kippei reached absently to wrap his hand around Shinji's arm, tugging him away, wanting to ask all the same questions but they needed to find someone who might know the answers.

"Shinji," he whispered, kissing his forehead and turning him away, guiding him back out of the room. "We'll find him. It's okay, lover--we'll find him." Because Akira was alive, and the sheer inexpressible relief was making him dizzy.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"Find him?" Shinji murmered, frowning, not at all content but so fucking relieved. "Of course we'll fucking find him, and then I'm putting him under house arrest for the rest of his damn life!" There was still something in Shinji panicking. Why did that guy have Akira's wallet? What had he done to Akira? For all they knew he might still be dead, but in a ditch somewhere, or worse. He felt like screaming, still, but now in frustration and sheer desperation, wanting Akira like never before, just to be near him, hold him, inhale him, drink him so they would never be apart, ever again.

He suddenly pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialled Akira, waiting impatiently and nearly jumping out of his skin when it rang behind him. He looked over at the corpse and scowled darkly.

"I want to kill you....but you're already dead."

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei shook his head, not having anything against the dead man now, in fact he didn't have anything against anyone at all anymore, he was so fucking grateful to the entire universe that Akira wasn't dead.

He was now firmly, absolutely convinced that Akira was fine, somewhere, maybe hurt but he was alive. He was definitely alive. Shinji would know if he was dead. Kippei wasn't entirely sure that he would know, himself, but he liked to think he would. They should have known better. Akira couldn't be dead. They would have to talk to the policemen again, find out where the man had been found and how he might have died, search hospitals or what the fuck ever until the found Akira, but they would find him.

With relieved sort of chuckle Kippei reached over and held out his hand to the man who had showed them the body. "Those aren't his," he stated, nodding at the 'personal effects' that had been brought in with him. "They're Akira's. May we have them, please?"
A note of hard steel in his voice suggested that it would be a very bad thing for the tech if they could not, and the man shrugged and handed them over. Kippei gave them to Shinji, and took one last look at the body. Poor bastard. Karma was a bitch.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Snatching at Akira's belongings, Shinji held them tight against his chest like relics, desperate not to lose any part of Akira, even his phone. Kicking the side of the table the body was laying on, Shinji turned sharp on his heel and stomped out, angrily marching back to the front desk and signing the declaration that stated that was in no fucking way his god damned missing boyfriend before stomping out the front door. He wanted Akira; it was the only thought left in his brain. He turned, waiting impatiently for Kippei. He better hurry or Shinji fully intended to leave him there and go Akira hunting by himself...but Kippei was bound to have more sensible ideas of just how to go about that.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei took a minute to talk to the lady at the desk, and he no longer hated her. She told him where to find the policemen who'd been working on this case, and he told her thank you and apologized for Shinji kicking the table, and ran to catch up with Shinji before he tore off to god knows where looking for Akira. They had no idea where to start looking, and Kippei wanted to know at least where the body had been found before he started calling hospitals nearby.

Right now, though, the only thing that mattered was that no matter where Akira was, he was alive. Missing, yes, and Kippei could tell Shinji was rather angry about that still, but he was alive. His eyes were shining with relief and determination, and hell yes, they were going to find Akira now. And then maybe lock him up for the rest of his life, if Shinji's dark look was anything to go by. Slightly amused, Kippei grabbed Shinji's elbows and spun him around, kissing him hard on the mouth.

"He's alive, Shinji," Kippei told him exultantly, brushing the corner of Shinji's sulking mouth with his thumb.

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

"I know," Shinji whispered, as if it were a secret he dared not believe. "But I want to know where..." Shinji couldn't control the little quiver in his voice. "I want to know where right now, I want him with us, why hasnt he called or gone home, or why hasn't anyone called to tell us anything? I want him here right now!" God, he was getting tired of his own whining, but he couldn't stop, still in shock and half a panic and demanding before he even thought about his demands. I want him. I want him with me all the time. Find him right now. Conjure him from thin air, I don't care if its impossible.

[shattermelt.livejournal.com]

Kippei chuckled again because he couldn't help it, and he knew Shinji was still worried but no matter what had happened, where he was, it could never be as bad as Akira being dead.

"I don't know," he said simply, pulling Shinji into his arms and holding him close and warm and safe. "It'll be okay," he said again, brushing a kiss on Shinji's forehead. "I want him too, and we're going to find him right now. Come on. I want to talk to the police again."

[ayretala.livejournal.com]

Shinji sighed and grabbed Kippei's hand again, though with only half the strength he had before, and followed, because really, Kippei had the sensible idea. Running all over the city screaming Akira's name? Wasn't going to get them far.

"I still say we should stop and buy stuff ont he way home. Nails to permanently shut the windows. And double bolt locks for the doors with special codes so he won't know them. And something to put over the windows so he can't smash them to get out. And something to seal off the chimney so he can't climb out!"

...Shinji was only half joking.